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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified with my friend and not really want to see her any more?

378 replies

Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 19:35

My 'friend' is actually the wife of one of my dh's golf buddies and while we usually get on ok, we don't really have a lot in common and I find her a tad spoilt and selfish.

She has never been particularly hands on with her kids, opting to put her son in full time child care from an early age despite her not working because she didnt want to give up going to the gym etc, which i don't have a problem with, it's her life after all.

However she recently has a 'much wanted' second child and booked a holiday abroad for the four of them plus her PILs for a couple of months after the baby was born. When it came time for the holiday she decided it would be too much hassle to take an 8 wk old baby abroad and decided instead to leave him at home with her parents and went away for 2 weeks! I know it really is none of my business but I can't help but be utterly disgusted with her for caring so little about this poor little baby, I could understand if her and her hubby wanted a night away to themselves but to go on holiday and leave the baby for 2 whole weeks seems beyond the pale.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 11/03/2013 10:35

annie that's daft! Just another assumption.

pictish fair enough. Some posters seemed to be using that as their main position in the discussion so I wondered.

I would feel a bit put off as I said earlier. But I don't think the OP had much of a friendship with this woman anyway and I can understand her feeling like there wasn't enough in common there to continue a friendship.

However if it was one of my close friends I wouldn't judge her and would accept our differing approaches. Not that I'd judge an acquaintance I didn't like that much to start with - I'd just feel less connected to the idea of a growing friendship with her IYKWIM.

Feminine · 11/03/2013 10:35

annie once we have children they should be the centre of our universe. Confused

I had a very full and exciting life before I had mine. I'm not missing out by dedicating myself to them for (what turns out to be) a very short space of time.

acceptableinthe80s · 11/03/2013 10:35

I think 'horrified' is a bit strong OP. Everyone parents differently. I know several people who go on holiday without their kids, it's not something i could do but it certainly doesn't horrify me. A close friend of mine went on holiday for a week when her baby was around 8 weeks old and has continued to so every year since. I should add though that her child is at home with her dad and they do also have a family holiday.
I do however think it's incredibly selfish to expect someone else to look after such a young baby for 2 weeks, i would never expect my parents to do that, my child is not their responsibility and young babies are hard work especially if they're crap sleepers like mine was.

pictish · 11/03/2013 10:38

I'll concede it's unusual.
I'll even concede that I can't imagine doing the same.
But that's as far as I can go and still expect my opinion to have any validity. As soon as I start deciding what other people should and should not do as regards the ins and outs of their own holidays and babies, then it's time for me to button up.

birdofthenorth · 11/03/2013 10:38

Yabu for ignoring her requests for a coffee etc, she may well need a friend.

Yanbu for finding it surprising and slightly alarming. I couldn't put PFB DD down for months and panicked severely when she was out of sight. This may make me as odd as your friend however, albeit at the other end of the spectrum. I aspire to be more relaxed and balanced with next month's arrival hopefully able to leave him for a few hours by 8 weeks, rather than a fortnight

appletarts · 11/03/2013 10:40

This woman does not have PND.

OhDearieDearieMe · 11/03/2013 10:43

Oh stop your childish goading apple. You cannot possibly know what she has or has not got.

WhatsTheBuzz · 11/03/2013 10:47

agree
with Feminine - most people make pretty huge changes to their
lifestyles after having kids, you can't just pretend they don't exist
Hmm

PromQueenWithin · 11/03/2013 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 11/03/2013 10:47

Feminine - annie once we have children they should be the centre of our universe.

Sorry, I disagree. My children are a very large part of my universe, but they are no more important than I am. Everyone's wants and needs get equal weighting in our household. How do you raise children with respect for other people's wants and needs if their own always take top priority?

I will continue to have a full and exciting life while I care for them, and I imagine they will learn from my example how to have full and exciting lives themselves.

AnnieLobeseder · 11/03/2013 10:48

Oh FFS, it's a pretty huge leap from not putting your children first over every tiny thing to pretending they don't exist. What a bizarre comparison to make! [confised]

LemonPeculiarJones · 11/03/2013 10:49

pictish I know what you mean. But you are allowed your opinion.

Of course it would be awful of the OP to be frosty and stern to the friend's face, completely unreasonable. But, with the rest of the description and the fact that they weren't friends to begin with really, I support her right to feel turned off from developing the connection further. I would feel the same.

That is just my opinion of course! Goes no further than that. But I think the OP just wanted opinions.

LemonPeculiarJones · 11/03/2013 10:51

Ps by 'you are allowed your opinion' I meant you don't have to button up when discussing it here Smile probably unnecessary clarification

OhDearieDearieMe · 11/03/2013 10:53

This -

Everyone's wants and needs get equal weighting in our household. How do you raise children with respect for other people's wants and needs if their own always take top priority?

And the rest of Annie's post. I suggest you 'baby to the exclusion of all else' protagonists read and think about that. It's probably way way beyond you but have a go anyway.

WhatsTheBuzz · 11/03/2013 10:53

annie
thank-you for singling my comment out as part of your full and exciting
life Smile. Question - does your full and exciting life include your
dc or are you referring to what you do without them?

squeakytoy · 11/03/2013 10:57

"once we have children they should be the centre of our universe"

I would completely disagree with that. Their basic needs should of course be put first, but the world does not revolve around them.

I would suspect one of the reasons that many relationships fail is down to this type of attitude. Because once the children become more independent, the couple realise that they have spent so long putting their children first, their own relationship is dead.

My own Dad was left in the very good care of his grandmother and aunt for almost three months when he was under a year old. There was little choice because it was either that or his parents would have been on the streets. They went to London to work, and couldnt take the baby. My dad grew up with no issues, but he did also have an exceptionally close bond with his grandma too.

As long as a child is loved and cared for, they are not being neglected.

Two weeks holiday away from her baby will not cause life long damage to either the mother or the baby.

In the USA there are servicewomen who have to leave their children behind after maternity leave.. those kids are not damaged either.

gordyslovesheep · 11/03/2013 10:58

My full and exciting life also includes work, holidays sans kids, a social life AND my children

Totally on board with Pic and Annie x

eavesdropping · 11/03/2013 11:00

Isn't it normal for your children to be the centre of your universe, at least whilst they are 8 weeks old Confused

DD is absolutely the centre of my universe. Doesn't mean I don't have a social life, or hobbies away from her - but I'm not the centre of my own universe anymore. I find it odd that mothers with young children could feel otherwise.

Feminine · 11/03/2013 11:01

My children don't know they come first. They just do. I imagine most parents do this.

Both myself and my husband lead happy and rewarding lives also.

We have tried to organize things the best way we can. The children come first quietly Wink

Fillyjonk75 · 11/03/2013 11:03

I wouldn't drop a friend over that. I thought from the title she might have murdered a puppy or joined the National Front.

dreamingbohemian · 11/03/2013 11:03

So I presume your DH is also cutting off contact with his friend, as after all he's also the one leaving his baby for 2 weeks?

No?

Thought not.

I'll skip the rant about bitches the sisterhood and instead advise all you frothers to stay away from the States, where the lack of maternity leave means babies are in childcare from 4-6 weeks. You can go ahead and ask all those American mums, why did you bother to have kids in the first place? But I wouldn't advise it.

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 11:03

What about her other son?? I take it he is going on hols as well?

He hasn't been mentioned since.

WhatsTheBuzz · 11/03/2013 11:05

so
if you don't have the luxury of having people who you can dump your
kids on and plenty of money, your life and your relationship are boring
and empty? Well, I never did.

pictish · 11/03/2013 11:06

So I presume your DH is also cutting off contact with his friend, as after all he's also the one leaving his baby for 2 weeks?

No?

Thought not.

Well played Boho.... well played.

Thingiebob · 11/03/2013 11:06

Plus the plan was to take the baby in the first place. Perhaps as one poster up thread said, it turns out the baby is too young to travel re: jabs and so on.

Why should she and her DH jack in an expensive holiday, which presumably she will not get refunded for, if they can provide good childcare for their little one. It is not as if she has put her baby in kennels fgs.

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