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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified with my friend and not really want to see her any more?

378 replies

Rosesarenotalwaysred · 10/03/2013 19:35

My 'friend' is actually the wife of one of my dh's golf buddies and while we usually get on ok, we don't really have a lot in common and I find her a tad spoilt and selfish.

She has never been particularly hands on with her kids, opting to put her son in full time child care from an early age despite her not working because she didnt want to give up going to the gym etc, which i don't have a problem with, it's her life after all.

However she recently has a 'much wanted' second child and booked a holiday abroad for the four of them plus her PILs for a couple of months after the baby was born. When it came time for the holiday she decided it would be too much hassle to take an 8 wk old baby abroad and decided instead to leave him at home with her parents and went away for 2 weeks! I know it really is none of my business but I can't help but be utterly disgusted with her for caring so little about this poor little baby, I could understand if her and her hubby wanted a night away to themselves but to go on holiday and leave the baby for 2 whole weeks seems beyond the pale.

OP posts:
LittleChickpea · 11/03/2013 09:24

shewhowines' seriously get a grip and a reality check.... These people are doing nothing wrong.

eavesdropping · 11/03/2013 09:26

Pictish, we all use our own experiences and feelings as a frame of reference. When my DD was 8 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to have left her at all. She didn't spend a night apart from me until she was 21 months.

I have been through A LOT since she was born (admittedly not PND, but things at the very least just as bad imo) and the most I've had is one night off. So yeah, I will use that as a frame of reference, and yes, I am judging. So shoot me.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/03/2013 09:26

HeadFairy - that's awful. You do wonder why some people bother to have children.

If there is PND going on then I think it can be a different thing entirely, but just buggering off for a jolly then I would judge massively.

Ineed - are you planning to leave your teen home alone then while you go off and have fun?

shewhowines · 11/03/2013 09:27

And your opinion is the only right one then. The loads of posters that disagree are the wrong ones then.

Fakebook · 11/03/2013 09:27

Am genuinely shocked at how many MNers think this is ok... Shows why the next generation are as messed up as they are, I guess.

And the thickest comment ever award goes to.......

pictish · 11/03/2013 09:28

Pictish, we all use our own experiences and feelings as a frame of reference. When my DD was 8 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to have left her at all. She didn't spend a night apart from me until she was 21 months.

Good. Have a chocolate medal too. Do a lap of honour round your living room if you like. I don't care.

WhatsTheBuzz · 11/03/2013 09:30

the
thing is, it's not really about the baby's physical needs being met, is
it? That's not really the point... fact is, if you can't get your head
around the fact that sacrifices should be made when you decide to have a
child, there is something wrong.

Lavenderhoney · 11/03/2013 09:30

I have a friend like this- she judges me and does plenty of eye rolling at me having my dc with me all the time, even to meet for coffee, and the horror at me bf a newborn in a coffee shop. However, I judge her right back with her endless holidays and work travel without her kids from baby up to 10 yrs, and we get on quite well. I don't have her background or lifestyle and she doesn't have mine.

We tease each other about " put that dd in a nursery and have some time to yourself" and I say " your dc won't recognise you!" then we both smile, roll our eyes at each other and talk about something else.

But our friendship is not based on parenting ideas, we like each other and enjoy meeting up.

Fakebook · 11/03/2013 09:32

Lavender, you sound like you have a right hoot with the eye rolling. What a lovely friendship.

pictish · 11/03/2013 09:34

A much healthier and more intelligent attitude Lavendar.

Live and let live. When there is no question of abuse or neglect of any description, then live and let live.

Mintyy · 11/03/2013 09:36

I would find it hard to feel I had anything in common with parents who would do this (for the people saying "why aren't you judging the dh?" - well, its not the dh who wants to be friends with op and texting her and asking to go to coffee is it??) and as I have lots of friends and not much time I would dump her without a second thought.

If she was my best friend I would ask her if she was feeling well, or if she had anything she wanted to tell me.

Because it is very unusual behaviour and a red flag for something or other.

eavesdropping · 11/03/2013 09:37

pictish Sod a chocolate medal, I probably deserve a real one for what I've been through since DD was born. In fact funnily enough, people in real life who know my situation have actually said so.
But I don't expect one, because when you're a mother you get on with it, you don't swan off for 2 weeks for any reason. Not at 8 weeks.

pictish · 11/03/2013 09:37

A red flag for something or other?
That's as clear as mud.

shewhowines · 11/03/2013 09:38

There is a middle ground here you know. Nobody is saying never have a small break.

But 2 weeks?

Mintyy · 11/03/2013 09:38

Its not about whether its "right" or "wrong" you silly people, its about whether op wants a relationship with someone she feels a lack of connection to/understanding of.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 11/03/2013 09:38

I dont understand it at all but I guess its up to her how she parents, not uncommon these days to do this

I do wonder with us all living longer lives whether eventually all these children who have been foisted off into full time child care are not ultimately going to have the last laugh, they wont need to feel bad when they do the same to us will they. Trust me pensioners are high maintenance - dont be surprised if this generation are too busy with their careers and holidays to be of any help.

She isnt a friend is she - I would continue to be busy and hopefully you and she can find other friends who are more in tune with your lifestyles. I think you are entitled to your view as she is hers - I dont think its judgemental of you to ask this question but I wouldnt be impressed if you continued the friendship and criticised her behind her back all the time. I think its brave to say "I have an issue with this and am struggling to be her friend" - generally people just continue to be "friends" and bitch - I admire your honesty.

PND is a possibility but I doubt she would be dragging herself of the gym if that were the case would she?

pictish · 11/03/2013 09:38

YOU don't Eaves...someone else might. And that's their choice entirely.

LittleChickpea · 11/03/2013 09:43

I think OP is what can be classically described as a Friemy.... She doesn't need our thoughts on this. She was never this woman's friend!

Mintyy · 11/03/2013 09:45

Or frenemy, even.

5madthings · 11/03/2013 09:45

A red flag...ha ha ha oh yes making sure your baby is loved and cared for by their grandparents is a massibe red flag...

And as for theur being no excuse for leaving your baby ever...what crap i had post natal psychosis when ds4 was tiny and had a week in a psych unit...how shit of me i shoukd have just got on with ut hey eves

No-one knows what is going on in this womams life.

I have a different parentung style from many of my friends, ie some do cc or cio which i woukd never do, some if us bfeed, soms bottle feed, some work, somw dont but meh we are all doing what is best for our own individual families. No abuse/neglect so no issue.

You can not like it or not want to do it yourself, hell i woukdnt do it but dont kid yoursekf that it makes you some kind of superior parent, it doesnt.

TheMaskedHorror · 11/03/2013 09:46

I personally wouldn't do it but each to their own.

Friends left their new born and toddler with the grandparents while they went on holiday for 2 weeks.
I did think they were selfish for doing this because firstly they asked the grandparents to come from overseas to look after the kids and secondly, the grand parents were fairly elderly and couldn't cope!
Luckily they had lots of offers of help from the couples friends who took the kids off their hands for a few hours here and there.
None of the friends got any thanks either.

Some people do just think of themselves. Op will know how she feels about her friend due to generally knowing her, not from this one incident.

WaterfallsOver · 11/03/2013 09:47

Yanbu. Sounds like she hasn't really bonded with the baby. Or perhaps she doesn't care about the baby and is doing the bare minimum, in which case I hope the baby will be brought up with a lot of love from someone else, GPS etc.

She does sound like a really rubbish mother, poor baby.

LittleChickpea · 11/03/2013 09:48

Thanks Mintyy'but I was using the original Urban Dictionary spelling....

Loving this bread..... PMSL...

appletarts · 11/03/2013 09:48

I work in mental health, most of the women with pnd struggle to take a shower let alone get to airport, check in, go on holiday, out to dinner, clubbing etc. Treatment for PND focusses on keeping mum with baby with the acknowledgement that their attachment is potentially at risk. I'm afraid PND is being bandied about here as an excuse for neglectful mothering. I think if women can't work out that having a baby means a certain amount of compromise on the life they had before then they honestly shouldn't bother having children. There is no excuse for dumping your small baby on anyone and fucking off on holiday. This no judging standpoint just seeks to justify anyone doing anything they like. Oh lets all do whatever we fancy eh, no judging now! Oh I wonder why we have a criminal justice system.

kx147 · 11/03/2013 09:52

I would be worried about the woman. In my experience not many people leave such little babies for that long. Perhaps if you got to know her better, you'd understand her reasons better and could help support her in the future?? If your dh's are close then I imagine you could try?
I struggled leaving my baby just to go the the toilet in the early days, I just couldn't be apart from her. I know everyone is different and whilst it would not sit well with me I would rather try to be of some help that cutting all ties. You never know, you could be the friend she needs.

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