Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that 'but it's mother's day' is a crap excuse.

482 replies

manicinsomniac · 10/03/2013 18:51

We had the dress rehearsal of our very large scale school play all day today .

The children were not forced to be in it. They auditioned. They have known since mid October that this rehearsal was unmissable in almost all circumstances and that if they couldn't commit to it then they couldn't be in the show.

on Friday night as he left for home one boy (with a large-ish part) told us he can't come as it's mother's day. I rang home explaining the importance of the rehearsal and pointing out how long it has been scheduled for but the response was no, he can't be away from his family on mother's day.

And now they are cross because we've kicked the kid out. They were warned.

The other 70 odd children were all there.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
idshagphilspencer · 10/03/2013 19:42

Oh and good luck keeping parents and pupils on side in the future.

EnjoyResponsibly · 10/03/2013 19:43

Mother's Day moves every year. It mightn't have occurred to anyone in October that it's so early this year. But at that point the date was realised as MD it would have been reasonable, as with any large-scale project to do a sanity check on the crucial date.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 10/03/2013 19:44

OP, YADNBU and I am shocked at how many have said differently. I think a lot of those reponses are classic projection onto the OP of stuff that has no foundation in what we have been told. To wit:

  • not right to punish a child for something over which he has no control. But the whole family had to sign up and commit to attending rehearsals at the very beginning. The parents knew about this a long time in advance and have chosen to make MD arrangements which would clash and make their child stick to them, and now have the gall to complain? They are BVU.
  • What if there are circumstances you don't know about that make this a particularly poignant day for this family? They were at perfect liberty to explain these to the OP and there is no suggestion that anything of the kind took place. And to the follow-up "why should they have to explain personal stuff" moan, my response would be - this was a serious commitment by the whole family, and IMO it is totally reasonable to expect a proper explanation, in advance, when it was broken.
  • One kid can't make that much difference. The OP clearly stated that this was a major part, so it is entirely likely that not having that individual would put the utility of the whole dress rehearsal at risk.
  • "I hope you never need compassion from anyone else...". Oh please, are you twelve? There's no suggestion that the OP would not have made allowances for a genuine emergency, bereavement etc. MD is not the same thing, and if it was for this particular child, the family should have checked their calendar at the outset and/or raised the issue as soon as they were aware of it, and managed the kid's expectations accordingly.
Bogeyface · 10/03/2013 19:44

the reason was that it was mother's day so they were going out for lunch and to see grandparents. Something I assume they could do any weekend.

Then you assume wrong. Because they didnt.

I have put some money in the whipround for your new grip. Its a school play ffs not Hamlet at the RSC. The kid had no choice so should not be punished for something that is out of his control.

YABVVVU and very mean to boot.

Essexmamma · 10/03/2013 19:44

How ridiculous holding it on Sunday at all but especially on Mother's Day. Yabvu.

Original poster
manicinsomniac · 10/03/2013 19:46

Enjoy and idshag - I've already said why upthread
shopping - there wasn't a lot of commitment and effort but yes I feel bad about it and we did have a meeting to check whether we really thought we should do it.
shesparkles - no, we didn't.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 10/03/2013 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

idshagphilspencer · 10/03/2013 19:46

I will ask again how do you not know the past history of this family is difficult? A stillbirth , a terminal illness , any of a myriad reasins why today may have been very difficult.

ProPerformer · 10/03/2013 19:47

YABABU. You're not BU to set out rules and expect them to be obeyed but I do loads of theatre and there have often times been members if the cast (fully grown adults) unable to make tec/dress rehearsals and it certainly hasn't meant they can't be in the show! Shock We had our orchestra run today and some couldn't make it.
If the poor kid has been to all/most other rehearsals then cut him some slack and let him be in the show, don't punish him for his parents doing!!

StuntGirl · 10/03/2013 19:47

How utterly ridiculous and over the top you are OP. YABVU about everything.

idshagphilspencer · 10/03/2013 19:48

Dh had to miss his school tech run and he is the producer. For personal reasons. Should he have been thrown out?

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 10/03/2013 19:49

If this is true Ive never known a school or teacher to be so unsupportive of a child, its not usually in their make up.

Its not the west end darhhling.

Sirzy · 10/03/2013 19:50

I think to have anything to do with school at a weekend compulsory is unfair and shows a great lack of understanding that children actually have a life outside of school.

Many children have commitments to other things at weekends so why does the school play have to come first?

Shesparkles · 10/03/2013 19:50

shesparkles - no, we didn't.

Thought not.

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 10/03/2013 19:51

YABU.

'Mother's Day is just a day surely'.

Obviously NOT to quite a lot of people. How do you know the significance it holds for others?

Poor wee guy Hmm

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/03/2013 19:51

Some anecdotal stuff.

First one.
I organise several school trips per year, for the international trips the forms always say that the bus will be leaving at X time, you must be there 30 minutes early for the loading of the bus, checking of passports etc.

In the 5 years that I have organised the trip I have left 3 children behind as they have not arrived on time.
In each case the parent has rung me up and asked "what the fuck are you doing" (paraphrased, normally much worse).

the reply is simple "The ferry, international bus, plane will not wait for us if we are late and you know the time that you had to be here for, if you can get to X place your DC can still go". Most don't bother and complain to the school.

Second one
A friend got in to RADA he was told that he was not to do any productions other than RADA productions, he did other productions and got thrown out.

Last one.
A close friend was selected for a national football team and was told not to play for other teams, he played on a saturday for a local youth club team, broke his leg and destroyed his dream of being a national footballer.

rules are rules and as long as they are set down in advance the OP is not being unreasonable.

DontmindifIdo · 10/03/2013 19:52

OP - there's something else I really hate about this attitude, and it's something I've seen in a lot of schools, in order to do well in something that's school based, a child needs to have parents who are involved, care and think that activity is important.

By putting rehearsals on Mothering Sunday, you put a barrier in the way of DCs who might really want to take part but who's families really don't care one way or another. (You only had one drop out, but that's one DC who wanted to do the play enough to take part, you don't know how many who's parents saw the form, actually did check the dates and said "no" to them auditioning in the first place)

There's a reason you often end up having to deal with hard work, pushy parents - the sort of parents who aren't all that fussed if their DC gets the lead or not are also the sort of people who really don't think a school play is important enough to cancel family plans for so some will have already not let their DCs take part.

But the pushy parents will find ways to fulfill their DCs extra curricular interests outside of school. Plays, sports teams, choirs etc need to be run in schools not for the DCs of parents who think it's important, but because there are so many DCs who's parents really don't think they matter enough to put the effort in to give their DCs access to these outside of school.

There was thread after thread at the Olympics about why so many of team GB went to private schools, or had 'sport mad parents' - there are a lot of things, regardless of your natural talent, that if your parents don't give a shit about it, you will never get the opportunity to do it. Personally, I think extra curricular activities at schools should be focussed not on those who'll get the chance to do that anyway, but those who won't.

Shoppinglist · 10/03/2013 19:52

I work in a college so much older kids and I would NEVER punish a student for something their parents made them do. Yes the parents were probably being unreasonable but I think the punishment was over the top and cruel.

Pozzled · 10/03/2013 19:52

I agree with Mrs malcolmreynolds

OP, YANBU. As you have said, you have reasons w

idshagphilspencer · 10/03/2013 19:53

excellent post dont mind

Thingiebob · 10/03/2013 19:54

I feel really sorry for the boy! Don't kick him out because of his mother.

Sirzy · 10/03/2013 19:54

Well said don'tmind

bonzoed · 10/03/2013 19:55

Excellent post DontMind.

LaurieFairyCake · 10/03/2013 19:56

I think the problem with this is nothing to do with Mothers Day or it being out of school as:

  1. The children know exactly what the commitments and responsibilities are, they sign up to it in consultation with their parents - it's not compulsory
  1. Being allowed to 'not attend' the dress rehearsal causes a nightmare for the other kids in the play acting with them - each kid missing a performance means no coherence
  1. If one kid was allowed to miss a dress rehearsal you can guarantee that parents would then say 'well such and such missed so my kid has an Ugg boot fitting' - we all know parents like this Hmm though of course there's none on Mumsnet Wink
  1. It's a commitment that affects others and we're all trying to teach our kids to take responsibility - if we didn't want our kid in it, we wouldn't sign up
Original poster
manicinsomniac · 10/03/2013 19:57

idshag - I don't know for certain. But a) I do know this family and their history of commitment and it isn't good and b) I would expect a family with a genuine problem to let us know so that we could accomodate them. I am as sure as it is possible to be that their reason was exactly what they said - they had booked lunch out and were going to see their grandparents afterwards. And your Dh obviously made the decision as to whether he could do his job or not. And I would imagine his reason for not going to it was good as I'm sure he would very much have wanted to be there.

Sirzy our school has things on almost every Saturday and many Sundays (sports, arts, trips, boosters etc). Some are compulsory, some aren't. None are for every child, some are for very few children. We balance our events with other important commitments and work out compromises.

OP posts: