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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that 'but it's mother's day' is a crap excuse.

482 replies

manicinsomniac · 10/03/2013 18:51

We had the dress rehearsal of our very large scale school play all day today .

The children were not forced to be in it. They auditioned. They have known since mid October that this rehearsal was unmissable in almost all circumstances and that if they couldn't commit to it then they couldn't be in the show.

on Friday night as he left for home one boy (with a large-ish part) told us he can't come as it's mother's day. I rang home explaining the importance of the rehearsal and pointing out how long it has been scheduled for but the response was no, he can't be away from his family on mother's day.

And now they are cross because we've kicked the kid out. They were warned.

The other 70 odd children were all there.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
prettybird · 12/03/2013 10:48

I spent most of Mother's Day at a rugby ground as ds and his team played 4 games of rugby in driving hail and snow*. Hmm

I could have railed against the SRU for arranging a festival of rugby for 12-13 year olds on Mother's Day. But I still got breakfast in bed and I still had the evening (and if my mum had still been around we would probably have gone to my parents' place for dinner but she died last year after a long illness). Life doesn't stop just 'cos it's Mother's Day. The OP explained the logistical reasons for the timing of the dress rehearsal and the fact that participants and their parents were made aware of this before signing up.

I am ShockShock at those that cast aspertions on the organisational abilities of the OP and who then go on to wish ill on the production Angry. So the efforts of the other 69 kids (and all the adult helpers) should be sacrificed? Hmm

  • ok, I might have spent most of the time in the nice warm clubhouse but I did pop out a couple of times to support ds Grin
WilsonFrickett · 12/03/2013 10:51

Completely agree cantspel I got a home-made card on DS return from school on Friday - he's only 7 and not very good at surprises, then a nap and an extra cup of tea on Sunday. I just don't get this mothering cult that we're all supposed to sign up for. Can't think of anything more icky than the family sitting round telling me how fab I am I make them do that 365 days a year anyway

higgle · 12/03/2013 10:57

he is 13 now, only another few ears before he will hpefully have a part time job and have to miss out on all sorts on Saturdays and/or Sundays. Good training for him to have to face up to the realities of life - you can't have it all.

fascicle · 12/03/2013 11:25

WaterfallsOver
Yabu. What were you trying to pull off, Les Mis in the west end? Poor child, you must have a huge ego to have felt the need to eject him from your production, I'll look out for you in Hollywood Grin

This dreary argument has been used repeatedly on the thread ('It's not RADA' etc). The fact that it's not a West End production is irrelevant! The point is, like many things in life, it's a large scale collective effort which requires commitment from all those involved to do it justice.

As for the OP's 'huge ego' - what about the mother and her all day Mother's Day-fest?

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 11:30

what about the mother and her all day Mother's Day-fest?

Big assumption. Who says it was actually the mother? It could have been the father who was getting in his ear from his own mother who insisted that they make a big deal of it for her, so booked lunch for his wife as well.

Lots of assumptions being made here but it boils down to the fact that the child has been punished for something that is completely out of his control and that is wrong and unfair.

whattodoo · 12/03/2013 11:34

I have mixed feelings

I feel sorry for the boy.

I feel sorry for the OP who has been working hard on a pretty thankless task.

But I think its a shame for all 70 families who committed 5 months ago and probably didn't realise the significance if the date of the dress rehearsals.

The school obviously encourages many out of hours/weekend activities, and maybe this family just decided for once that this sunday would be a family day.

OP, I presume you'll double check these details in future years before setting the date?and do you acknowledge the part you/the school played in this situation arising?

For what its worth, I reluctantly agree that the boy should continue to be excluded from the performance.

Maryz · 12/03/2013 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fascicle · 12/03/2013 12:14

Bogeyface
what about the mother and her all day Mother's Day-fest?

Big assumption. Who says it was actually the mother?

My comment was supposed to be a slightly tongue-in-cheek exaggeration.

Bogeyface
Lots of assumptions being made here but it boils down to the fact that the child has been punished for something that is completely out of his control and that is wrong and unfair.

You have made an assumption right there - that it was completely out of the boy's control. For all we know, he might have been included in the decision - he may have wanted to be with his family rather than at an all day dress rehearsal.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 12:17

Yes I did make that assumption because I have known many 13 year old boys in my career as a mother and I can't think of one that would rather spend a day visiting rellies over a school activity that they are heavily involved in. However, I also know that it isnt always the mother that causes the trouble on such says but the grandmother/mil/sil/fil.

fascicle · 12/03/2013 12:22

Bogeyface

...I can't think of one that would rather spend a day visiting rellies...

Nothing to say the boy was visiting rellies Wink

Ilovexmastime · 12/03/2013 13:03

I can't get over how horrible some of the posters on here are being to the OP. You do realise that she didn't set the dates herself don't you? Or have you not thread the thread properly? You do realise that she is a mother herself, who has given up her time, and presumably not for just this one day?
There is no need to make personal attacks on her.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 13:09

the reason was that it was mother's day so they were going out for lunch and to see grandparents.

From the OP at the top of the thread. Wink yourself!

FakePlasticLobsters · 12/03/2013 14:00

Zen - "Some posters have more or less got your 13yo's dm as mourning a stillbirth..."

I think you might mean me, as it was me that said we had lost a child to stillbirth, but I wasn't suggesting this boy's mother had experienced one as well or that this was why she wanted him at home.

I was just explaining that MD is important and special to me, but not to the point that I would ever stop my DS from taking part in something he wanted to do and had perhaps worked towards for months just because it was MD and "my special day" or anything.

I think the family were wrong and selfish, and the OP was placed in a position where she had no option but to follow through with the penalty for missing the important rehearsal.

marcopront · 12/03/2013 15:18

I asked this before and no one answered so I'm going to ask again.

Can anyone come up with a justification as to why someone from the boy's family couldn't have contacted school and explained he would miss the rehearsal in advance?

Maryz · 12/03/2013 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crinkle77 · 12/03/2013 15:34

Surely if you kick him out you only have to find someone else to take over the part?

SneakyNinja · 12/03/2013 15:35

That is my biggest issue marcopront The OP knew nothing about this until the Friday and that was from the boy himself (not even his parents) which just shows a huge lack of consideration and respect on their part. I honestly can not believe that anyone here is saying OP is BU!

UniqueAndAmazing · 12/03/2013 15:49

I knwo you're at the end, but I got halfway through.

I'm religious, I go to church every single week.
I think Mothering Sunday is an important church festival.
I'm also a mother and live a long way away from my parents and if they came to visit, it would be a significant event.

However, I think YANBU because the parents made the commitment in October, and they knew how important this rehearsal was.
they should have arranged the Mothering Sunday lunch for another day, by telling their families how important this play was.
you make a commitment, you have to stick to it, no matter what else comes up that might be better.
no, the boy had not much choice in the matter, but he knew the rules.

aldiwhore · 12/03/2013 16:01

IWBU with my comments yesterday in some ways, though I still stand by the argument that you were taking a risk booking the dress rehearsal on Mothering Sunday.

I STILL think YABVU to have kicked the boy out of the production, it was not his fault, and IF 69 out of 70 children attended you certainly could have worked around that without much disruption.

catsrus · 12/03/2013 16:02

As the mother of DCs who were all in sports teams and dramatic productions at school- and who spent a lot of time in the car dropping them off and picking them up on lots of 'special' occasions - I say the OP is certainly not BU.

My DCs might never be in the Olympics or get an Oscar, but they did learn the importance of commitment and doing what you say you will do and not letting people down. At least one of mine has lost a place on a team / in a production because of not turning up to practice/rehearsal and it is a lesson learned.

This family had the dates - it's not rocket science to check them against anything else you might be doing to make sure the commitment can be kept.

jerrykyle · 12/03/2013 17:05

YANBU. The lads parents are at fault, if they gave a shit about their sons life they would have at least contacted you to sort it out. They knew this would happen and thought they were too special to make an effort they just told their son to tell you at the latest time possible.
Im also guessing that there could be a lot of trouble if there is an accident if he missed the h&s tour.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/03/2013 17:09

A question for those that are still saying the OP IBU.

I have organised teams that represent the schools during half term (they are organised and the date set by external organisers).

If someone doesn't show commitment by missing important dates should I keep them on the team or should I give the spot to another more committed pupil?

Is it also unreasonable to think that if you don't want to/can't go on a trip you should allow someone that wants to go on it?
Again I have had pupils that don't turn up on the morning of the trip and have to phone their parents to find out what is going on.

If you can't commit don't sign up.

(part rant, Sorry)

Fillyjonk75 · 12/03/2013 17:19

I don't believe the OP actually, would someone really be kicked out of a main part in a show just before the performance because they had to miss one rehearsal? Who would know the lines or be able to do it? Also it's completely unfair on the child.

Fair enough if they missed a few early on and showed a general lack of committment.

My daughter did a dance competition the day before Mother's Day but the older ones had to do it on Mother's Day. There was no way in this world she would have done the competition if it was on Mother's Day as I was desearate for a lie in and a bloody rest.

And her dance school is holding the next show in half term and bank holiday weekend. Priceless, well planned there. Unsurprisingly less than half the class are doing the show.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/03/2013 17:27

Filly, the Op has an understudy who got the part, and the original boy had missed more than one rehearsal.

ICBINEG · 12/03/2013 17:29

YANBU

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