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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that 'but it's mother's day' is a crap excuse.

482 replies

manicinsomniac · 10/03/2013 18:51

We had the dress rehearsal of our very large scale school play all day today .

The children were not forced to be in it. They auditioned. They have known since mid October that this rehearsal was unmissable in almost all circumstances and that if they couldn't commit to it then they couldn't be in the show.

on Friday night as he left for home one boy (with a large-ish part) told us he can't come as it's mother's day. I rang home explaining the importance of the rehearsal and pointing out how long it has been scheduled for but the response was no, he can't be away from his family on mother's day.

And now they are cross because we've kicked the kid out. They were warned.

The other 70 odd children were all there.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
bangwhizz · 11/03/2013 13:53

Poor boy . months rehearsing and the adults (which side unimportant) stuff it up for him.He is the victim in all this .stuck between a rock and a hard place

Jux · 11/03/2013 14:50

Well, the other 69 kids and their families would probably feel pretty pissed off if they had made the effort to be there, not gone out to lunch etc, so that yheir child would be at the fehearsal, only to find that Little Johnny 70 gets away with it, wouldn't they?

I know they're still at school, and only 13, but if he were to miss the most important rehearsal and still do the show, then he learns that rules don't apply to him. As it is, he has learnt that they do, though maybe his parents haven't, but he knows for sure now that once he's an adult and makes his own decisions, that a commitment is a commitment. It's never too early to learn that. Next time perhaps he'sll remonstrate with his parents if they look like queering his pitch.

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 11/03/2013 15:22

YANBU - not one bit. How ridiculous of the parents to say that their son couldn't be available because it's mother's day.

My DD is in a dance show every year. Right at the start, before rehearsals begin, parents get a rehearsal schedule and are asked to sign an agreement that their child will attend rehearsals etc. When I get the schedule, I sit down with the family calendar and put in all the dates. Then, when other things arise, they get scheduled around existing commitments such as rehearsals.

Doesn't everyone do this? I assumed it was the norm! I know mother's day is fixed in the calendar - but then I'd notice it there when I was writing down rehearsal dates. And if a family member were to say, 'shall we all go for lunch on mother's day?', I'd look at the calendar and say 'DD's busy with rehearsals til 5.30pm, but free after that' - or whatever.

I know we don't all do things the same way, but pre-existing commitments to something big like a part in a play surely have to take priority. (Unforeseen emergencies excepted, of course.) Isn't that an important thing to teach our kids?

mrsR1991 · 11/03/2013 15:31

mm i don't think you were unreasonable if it had been scheduled for so long then his parents are in the wrong for not letting him attend. to me mother's day is just like any other day. my partner still works, i still get up with our daughter and feed and change her and make sure shes happy and do the housework etc it makes no difference to me. i am happy with a card and cuddles and to me the mums that need the celebratory meal or big family get together etc etc should just reschedule to a day that suits everyone. the world doesn't stop because it's mother's day.yes it's nice to be appreciated but can't people just be happy with a card or a littlle present? that way if anything extra did happen we would all appreciate it a lot more! the boy's mum should have celebrated mother's day the night before, she was being selfish. rant over x

Jux · 11/03/2013 15:59

I don't actually understand why anyone needs to turn into a cossetted poodle on a particular day of the year just because some other women are turning into cossetted poodles on that particular day.

Especially when the day chosen has nothing to do with being a mum and is everything to do with spending rather a long time journeying to your centre of spiritual enlightenment and worshipping your God for quite a long time, and then journeying back home.

After which, you would still be expected to do the dinner..... Grin

bangwhizz · 11/03/2013 16:22

The same thing though...it isn't the boy's fault.

RapunzelAteMyHamster · 11/03/2013 16:24

Thinking about it, I doubt the mother in question thinks mother's day itself is particularly important. I suspect it's more along the lines that the family think that anything they organize automatically trumps anything the school wants, because they are paying the school, therefore teachers = servants.

SpecialAgentKat · 11/03/2013 16:47

PuppyMonkey Mon 11-Mar-13 09:13:23
YABU - hope your understudy balls it up Grin

You wish another child humiliates themselves?

How malicious of you.

OverAndAbove · 11/03/2013 17:38

I think the school and its production are probably completely identifiable by now. When will the parents of the kicked-out boy come on and provide their opinion?!

BTW OP, YANBU

marcopront · 11/03/2013 17:47

Can any of the people who have come up with reasons why this mothers' day was so important come up with a reason why the mother couldn't have called the school during the week and said "I know we said DS would be available for all rehearsals but we really want him to be with us for mothers' day. Is it possible for him to miss the rehearsal or to leave early?"

The parents showed no consideration to the school, to me that is the problem.

SpecialAgentKat · 11/03/2013 18:17

OverAndAbove I agree, I'm actually interested to see their justification of why they weren't selfish assholes who flouted the rules and in turn let their son suffer for their special day.
No doubt it will either be incoherent, frothing rage or a defensive soap opera story which makes no sense because knowing the rules from five months ago which explained in special circumstances your kid won't be booted they would have quietly explained a/the situation like a normal person who wasn't entitled enough to spoil their child's happiness.

I feel so sorry for this boy. :( His selfish family truly let him down. I will never be one of 'those' mothers!

Greensleeves · 11/03/2013 18:30

yabu and a teeny bit pathetic

I think you have lost sight of what you are supposed to be doing it for tbh. You're not directing the RSC, you're a teacher! It's meant to be for the kids' benefit, remember?

No excuse for being so petty and nasty. The child has probably dodged a bullet by the sounds of it.

nkf · 11/03/2013 18:39

Of course you are being unreasonable. You are forcing a poor child, a vulnerable adolescent to choose between a school and his mother. The woman who carried him inside her for nine long months. Do you have any idea how long the labour was? How she suffered? And here, her own precious son has to choose between her and a school play. And it's all your fault. What sort of example are you showing those 69 kids who can manage to turn up when they're supposed to? You are teaching them that their mothers, their one and only mothers, are disposable. Blah blah! Don't give it another thought.

Scrubber · 11/03/2013 18:44

Not unreasonable at all. How can you be expected to put on a decent production and be fair on all the hard working kids if you let them pick and choose their rehearsals. It is a good lesson for the boy that life sometimes is tough. Parents weren't fair on him.

Mother's day a complete non event in our house though.

UniS · 11/03/2013 18:47

YANBU - commitment needed was known well in advance. Lack of commitment was given only days in advance and for a non emergency reason.

Good chance for the understudy.

stealthsquiggle · 11/03/2013 18:49

I am so tempted to interrogate gently question DS to find out if something like this happened at school yesterday (everything else fits - DS is not in the play, which I am kind of glad about as I don't think he could have taken the pace this year. Next year, hopefully). On the general principle I am entirely with the OP. The DC have it made abundantly clear to them that a commitment is exactly that - there are weekends when I would prefer to not be scheduling around DS's matches /choir/whatever, but that's the way it is.

RapunzelAteMyHamster · 11/03/2013 18:53

Nkf - would you like a teeny tiny violin to go with that post? Grin

nkf · 11/03/2013 18:55

I would like an orchestra, please.

Ilovexmastime · 11/03/2013 18:56

Nfk - :)

Yfronts · 11/03/2013 19:03

If this was a palladium performance in front of the queen I'd understand your actions but it is just a school play at the end of the day.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/03/2013 19:04

Greensleeves
"I think you have lost sight of what you are supposed to be doing it for tbh."

69 children or one child? I think that the OP has it.

nfk

Do you use emotional blackmail often? you seem very good at it.

nkf · 11/03/2013 19:06

It's when people think something is "just a..." that things never get better and standards become low. Just a school play... Just a mock exam...Just a job interview... If it isn't enormous, then it must be insignificant.

I hope the understudy rocks it.

SneakyNinja · 11/03/2013 19:17

Nope, absolutely NBU in my opinion. Yes it is 'just' a school play but they still involve hard work and commitment from everyone involved. The boy and his parents were given more than enough notice.

Some families are very set on 'properly' celebrating everything which is fine, good for them but it is not up to you to accomodate this.

EvilTwins · 11/03/2013 19:32

Given the type of school it is, I suppose YANBU

BUT...

In my school, this would be hideously unreasonable. I teach drama in a state comp. Our productions are fab (even if I say so myself) but I simply cannot rely on parents to be supportive, and I wouldn't dream of kicking a kid out of the show if they behaved like your cast member did. We did our show the week before half term, and we didn't have the full cast for a full run through until the tech/dress day (which was on a school day - thankfully out HT is really supportive and lets us have a day off timetable for it) We had two Sunday rehearsals, but various cast members couldn't come. Reasons included:
I have to work (6th Formers)
Can't get home (I end up doing lifts every year)
I'm at my dad's/mum's that weekend so can't get there

The Sunday before the show, we had the band (all pro musicians - friends of our amazing Music teacher) but not the lighting/sound operator (ex employee of school who now does that freelance) and on the dress rehearsal day, we had sound/lights but no band (they have day jobs)

On the last night of the show, we were missing one cast member - she'd fallen out with her Grandmother (legal guardian) and wasn't allowed to come.

And you know what? It was FINE. Every night - the kids had a ball, the show was slick and the audiences LOVED it. I cried, they all cheered. It makes my year, every year.

So, I suppose my point is, OP, chill out. And maybe stay in the private sector - nothing wrong with rules and standards, but flexibility and compassion have to come into it too.

MummytoKatie · 11/03/2013 19:43

The boy hasn't had his H&S tour. Therefore it is illegal and unsafe for him to go on.

He hasn't been taught how to use the mikes, the changes made to the play or how to get his costume changes. Therefore for him to go on could easily lead to him embarrassing himself and being very upset.

The other 69 kids are expecting his character to be in the right place at the right time in the right costume. If he isn't it may throw one of them. Leading to one of them forgetting their lines and being very upset.

For those who think he should go on how exactly are you planning for these problems to be sorted?