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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh has just announced he is going out tonight and tomorrow night. I have a week old baby and 2 other children under 5. AIBU to feel mightily pissed off with him

226 replies

Mugglewhump · 10/03/2013 16:34

i have just arrived home from visiting my Mum on mothers day with all 3 children. As I walked through the door and just as DH's parents arrive at the house he announces to me "by the way I forgot I am going out tonight and also tomorrow night" He brought tickets for 2 comedy nights a few months ago (and would have known full well we would have had a newborn baby)

His will be going out just before bath and bedtime so i will have to bath 2 under 5's and get them to bed whilst the newborn screams as it will coincide with the time newborn ds normally cluster feeds.

Aibu to feel pissed off about this? I will have to sit on my own this evening with a baby plugged into my boob who i can't put down feeling pissed off, upset and knackered and to top it all its bloody Mothers day. I am fuming. Dh went out only 1wk ago to see Harry Hill (this was when i was 8 days overdue and could have gone into labour at anytime) but I was fine with this as thought I would be v miserable to moan and make him stay at home with me.

In 1wks time he has to go to Prague for a week with work so he will get rest and sleep whilst yet again I am left literally holding the baby! Am i being a miserable cow as Dh has just told me?

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 10/03/2013 22:23

It was me who posted the Twitter link so I hate myself for being a party pooper, but OP, think very carefully about whether to do anything 'public'. It could make the papers, which might be funny, but probably wouldn't feel it at the time.

For now, I think having 'mwahaaa' thoughts, but not acting on them is probably the best idea Grin

Sorry everyone else!

hillyhilly · 10/03/2013 22:32

Umm, I'm going to be really controversial here but, he got older kids ready for, or in bed, you've breastfed your tiny one for much of the evening and now you're off to bed? What has he not done that he should have done?
While I totally agree that on the face of it it was v selfish of him to go out, I think that it's worked out ok tonight (but a 2nd nights taking the piss)

narmada · 10/03/2013 22:40

Actually, a truth... might have a point there about the papers. That wouldn't be good. Hope you're tucked up in bed with a tummy full of truffles now anyway.

IsItMeOr · 10/03/2013 22:41

hilly I read it as he got one of the kids ready for bed, and left OP to sort the oldest. So yes, he's done some of the stuff that a decent husband and father should do, but not all of it. We all know that 22 month olds are hardly the most reliable sleepers, and babies can be all over the place at 1 week old. He's supposed to be there (work requirements excepted), which is why he gets 2 weeks' paternity leave. It's not 2 weeks' holiday so that you can go and watch comedy shows while your doormat of a wife looks after every eventuality at home.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2013 22:44

Well, hillyhilly he did leave OP crying and miserable. He could have done something about that...

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 10/03/2013 22:55

hilly the point is her 'D'H knew she wanted him at home with her a week after having his baby, and he left her crying to go out. He's basically stuck two fingers up at the OP, her feelings and their kids.

chubbychipmonk · 11/03/2013 00:07

What an arsehole. I'd be planning a night out of my own for when baby is a bit bigger, 'oh did I forget to mention I'm going out tonight? Expressed milk is in fridge, bath & bed stuff all laid out for kids. . Don't wait up!' Grin

ToothGah · 11/03/2013 00:41

I'm presuming you mean he's seeing Marcus Brigstocke tomorrow night?

Which is handy. As I am as well Grin (like you say, small venue tomorrow night, not so much the one tonight).

I'll happily talk loudly before the gig/ during the interval about men who leave their wives and newborns at home two nights on the trot if you give me your DH's description Grin

Monty27 · 11/03/2013 01:31

.

IneedAsockamnesty · 11/03/2013 02:31

That would be funny.

Normally when I see titles like yours I am predisposed to saying yabu because well I don't get the drama,that's obviously my issue due to long term single parent status

But I've read your thread and wanted to add another YANBU he's been really selfish and if I were his mother and heard him say that I would give him a talking to or at the very least tell him I was ashamed of his conduct.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/03/2013 03:12

ToothGah should be PMed a description or photo and stand next to him loudly telling a funny story she read on MN today.

Lueji · 11/03/2013 03:59

I am just astounded by his total lack of understanding why I am upset.
He knows, and that's why he told you at the last minute.

He certainly deserves the key in the lock, or you leaving tomorrow late pm with newborn leaving him in charge of the other two. And no chance of going out.

The thing is that he doesn't think it will be a dealbreaker and that he thinks you will be upset, but ultimately you will stay with him and put up with it.
Are you prepared to draw the line and tell him that he can be a proper husband and father or get the f* out?

GardenPath · 11/03/2013 04:44

Kill him

Toadinthehole · 11/03/2013 05:00

OP, if your DH won't give you the help you require (apart from making dinner, bathing and anything else you may have forgotten to mention) then kicking him out for a few nights strikes me as counterintuitive.

AThingInYourLife · 11/03/2013 07:32

Kicking him out is entirely in keeping with the logic of this situation.

If she can be presumed to be permanently 100% responsible for all the children, and he can come and go as he pleases, then what is the point of him?

He's not a parent, he's a passenger.

And he might as well be elsewhere permanently with a visitation schedule.

At the moment his attitude makes him as good as useless.

KristinaM · 11/03/2013 07:33

I don't understand why some posters see it as him " helping " her with the children. They are HIS CHILDREN TOO. He doesn't need to give her the help she needs. He needs to accept his responsibilities as a father .

Lueji · 11/03/2013 07:41

And that's why removing one self and leaving him in charge of the house and the other two children could be a good reality check.

I agree that keeping him out for a few nights is not productive.
He needs to know he must take his responsibilities seriously or will have to move out for good.
Anything else he won't take notice.
Clearly, reasoning and seeing his wife distressed, or even being told off by his mother is not enough.

skinoncustard · 11/03/2013 07:45

If he was my son I wouldn't miss him !!!! He would be going nowhere when I had finished ' explaining the errors of his ways' and he would regret big time trying to use me as a 'shield'. So sorry you are in this position at a time which should be special to you both . Xx

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 11/03/2013 07:46

I agree with AThing.

BeckAndCall · 11/03/2013 07:50

I agree with athing too - that's exactly what I want to say - if you can manage without him at the most demanding time of your family life, as he expects you can- what is the point of him? He may as well go - he won't be needed in the future, either.

(I might just be experiencing transference here - likewise had a newborn, two under fives, 6 days post c-section, first day home, DH went to work for the afternoon. Resentful, moi?)

Soditall · 11/03/2013 07:52

He is a wanker!

I can't understand any man choosing to not be with they're partner so soon after they've had a baby and to choose to away from your child so soon after they've been born I think is unforgivable.

What would happen if you were ill or one of the children were?

Sugarice · 11/03/2013 07:55

He is a thoughtless selfish arse!

Looking forward to your update Muggle

Pilgit · 11/03/2013 08:53

He is being a wanker. Love the idea of contacting the venue for tonight and asking the stand-up to give him a very public kicking. Sounds like what he needs! The complete lack of consideration of some men never ceases to amaze me. I have a 12 week old and a 4 year old and my DH has felt guilty about being away for work and did the night shift when he got back to give a break!

everybodysang · 11/03/2013 09:57

Ooh. Please do tweet him. Go on.

My DH cooked dinner for 6 months after DD was born. And did all the housework. I'm not saying that to be all smug, look at my nice DH - he just felt that I was feeding the baby so he could feed me. Seemed like a good deal to me.

mama04 · 11/03/2013 11:39

Seriously? Leave him! Shock He sounds like a selfish tw@t sending big hugs Thanks x