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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...when receiving a CRAP mother's day gift (from the husband)...

186 replies

OvenReady · 10/03/2013 10:53

I cried.

We've had a tough couple of years (PND, social services, 2 miscarriages yada yada yada) so I kind of hoped this MD would be special. My DS is 2 so has no say in the card and gift giving.

The gift? "Hairy Dieters Cookbook".

I cried, and slowly pushed away the pancakes from breakfast.

OP posts:

NellysKnickers · 10/03/2013 15:33

I have learnt over the years to choose my own gifts and treats, this year for example, Ive booked myself a rare hair appointment and just said to Dh, don't worry, going to the hairdressers can be my treat so don't get anything else. He probably thought it was a great gift. In my experience men are crap present givers!, he was probably really pleased with himself!!

DontmindifIdo · 10/03/2013 15:35

OP is getting an unfair hard time, no sane man would think that buying a woman a diet cook book (unless specifically asked for) was anything other than a stupid thing to do.

Any woman, being presented with a diet book (which this effectively is) will think "you are saying I need to lose weight" - even if this is true, is mother's day the best day to basically insult somone? Actually, there's no good day to do that...

Spero · 10/03/2013 15:39

Maybe a man might reasonably not consider ALL women are so delicately balanced on a hair trigger of hysteria that a diet cook book would send them off into the deep end?

Sorry, I must have missed that memo that because I have a vagina must always be obsessing about my weight.

fatuglybitch · 10/03/2013 15:47

I see lots of people giving you a hard time! Yes it was a shit present, and yes you are right to feel crap about it! And yes there are other people worse off , I see lots of them on mumsnet in their horsehair shirts, but that wasn't was this post was about! Get off your fucking high horses and give this girl some support! Fucking hell I reckon the majority of us feel short changed today, get real and admit it!!!!

ToTeachOrNotToTeach · 10/03/2013 15:47

The show was called the "Hairy Dieters" though wasn't it? Its not like its a weight watchers book or something! I quite like cook books and would quite like that one (alongside Jamie Oliver etc) without particularly being on a diet.

I understand the OP is feeling fragile but I do feel a bit for the husband who has at least gone out and bought a present and made an effort!

D0oinMeCleanin · 10/03/2013 15:49

It could be worse. Mine are old enough to pick their own gifts. DD2 chose running shoes, she was very specific about the fact that were running shoes, for running in. I don't run. At all. This, according to dd2, when I asked why she bought me running shoes when I don't run, is why I am fat. People who run aren't fat. If I start running I won't be fat anymore.

She has a point to be fair.

Spero · 10/03/2013 15:50

I don't see anyone being horrible. I few people, quite reasonably have pointed out that she is feeling fragile which explains her over reaction.

I don't see anything wrong with trying to help her get a sense of perspective.

And if there really are a lot of you out there feeling 'shit' because you didn't get showered with gifts, that is really sad, but not for the reasons you think.

MrsHoarder · 10/03/2013 16:53

I think other posters are right and its not really the book that is the issue, because he tried. I was in tears because despite organising cards and chocs for DM and DMiL and hinting when I asked if he wanted to pick MiL something up when I went to get some for DM, DH still "thought I wasn't bothered". He's been out shopping for car fuses with DS since then as well.

I don't want to be showered with gifts, a 100g bar of my favourite chocolate or a bunch of daffs or anything would have been nice.

For father's day last year I was 5 weeks pp, still bleeding, bfing around the clock etc. I managed to get him a big bar of his favourite chocolate and a card. The card is still on his bedside table so he can't have forgotten.

I know I am being unreasonable. I have PMT and due to DS deciding to bf at 4am I haven't had anywhere near enough sleep.

Sparklyboots · 10/03/2013 17:23

Spero I see that you are just trying to give the OP a sense of perspective but you (and one or two others) do come off a little harsh. Your way of giving perspective is to point out all the reasons that the OP (and anyone else who got a bit overwraught about the whole Mothers' Day thing) has all the wrong priorities, or doesn't understand the way that capitalism works, or have basically been somehow stupid to feel emotionally invested the way that they did. If everyone around you acts as if 'showering with gifts' (which is hardly what the OP has asked for, by the way) is a way of showing that you value someone, that someone is right to feel unvalued if they aren't showered, even if you don't think that particular way of expressing value is correct. Additionally, while you might not feel concerned about your weight, the OP clearly has said she feels concerned about hers. While you might like to critique the way that women as a social class are pressured in this way, it's hardly fair to act as if a woman feeling pressured in that way is an idiot for caving to that pressure; it would more supportive to take up the fight against people applying that pressure if you do feel a need to address it. I just don't know that this thread where the OP has said she's in a shit place and feeling wobbly is the place to start criticising all of the culturally constructed pressures that you think she is responding to, because it sounds like you are saying it's her own fault for feeling bad because she's not got the same values as you.

Spero · 10/03/2013 17:36

You are reading a lot into my posts that just isn't there.

I haven't accused anyone of being stupid for wanting those they love to make a fuss of them. Just trying to point out that if this day is very special to you you need to make sure the rest of your family is on the same page, or get them a new crystal ball.

I also disagree that asking for a little bit of perspective is hardly being 'harsh'. I never wish to play misery top trumps but to cry over a gift from your husband is an unhealthy over reaction if you think how many thousands of mothers will be spending this 'special day'.

If the op ( and many others it sounds like from this thread) chose to channel their more general unhappiness into Mother's Day gifts - or lack thereof - I think they are missing a valuable opportunity to,ask themselves what they are really unhappy about.

Or maybe they do judge themselves and their relationships on the number and quality of presents they get. Which is sad.

FakePlasticLobsters · 10/03/2013 17:42

ToTeach - They were the "hairy bikers' long before they were the 'hairy dieters' and so bikers is probably how more people know them or think of them, even if the show title has changed. Especially if they are aware of the bikers/show but not fans and don't really watch it (like me).

That's why I wondered if the husband were aware of who they are without actually paying any attention to what their book is called, and if his thoughts on it were that his wife likes cook books and hairy men, not that she needed to go on a diet and is hairy.

Because I'm sure he doesn't think that OP

HecateWhoopass · 10/03/2013 17:46

Are you ok, OvenReady? You've disappeared. I feel like your upset probably isn't really about the book. I hope that you are ok. xxx

smudgerdunn · 10/03/2013 18:04

Everybody...please stop bashing OvenReady.
She's not alright and she's my cousin and she's had a shit time lately.
I do get your points and knowing her DH I really can't see he would have done it to be cruel, but please give some support.
Never posted on here before and joined just to ask you all to back off a bit.
Thanks

Spero · 10/03/2013 18:08

Nobody is 'bashing'. I have read only one overtly unsympathetic post and that was pages ago.

Everyone recognises she is obviously fragile.

Sunshine200 · 10/03/2013 18:12

If I was dieting and liked cooking then I would have liked it, if I wasn't dieting I would have been mad!
I got sod all, not even a card or breakfast in bed :-(

LynetteScavo · 10/03/2013 18:16

A friend was given the Hairy Dieters Cookebook for Christmas. She threw it at her DH.

Floggingmolly · 10/03/2013 18:17

That's 2 people on this thread who "cried loudly" when they didn't like their present.
How old are you?

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 10/03/2013 18:20

Smuger, it sounds as if it is more than the MD present, I hope ovenready gets the support she needs for her.

Tailtwister · 10/03/2013 18:22

Well, I can see why OP was upset. A diet cookbook? Not really a brilliant present is it?

As for all the harping on about the origins of Mother's day, Mothering Sunday or whatever you want to call it, it's not really relevant here. OP is upset, doesn't really give a shiny shit whether the modern day take on Mother's day is commercialised or not and just wanted a nice, thoughtful present to mark the occasion. If her DH had an ounce of common sense, he could have thought of something a bit better than a bloody diet cookbook!

Hope you feel a bit better OP. I imagine that your DH thought he was doing the right thing but ended up making a hash of it.

Gay40 · 10/03/2013 18:26

Overrated and not worth getting your knickers in a twist over at any level. Crying over a present? Get a grip.
Expectations of gifts and all that nonsense? If it's not happening on a regular basis anyway, why bother for one day (see also Valentine's).
I seriously cannot be bothered with grown women who get upset over such utter, utter nonsense.

PureQuintessence · 10/03/2013 18:29

Oh dont cry, I bet he thought he was helpful?

I would have loved the book?

Iamsparklyknickers · 10/03/2013 18:36

I don't think the majority of posts in this thread have been of a 'bashing nature', it's been fairly tame for AIBU.

Imho I do think sometimes reinforcing perspective is the most helpful thing to do. In this case Ovenready was upset and lots of posters pointed out why she should perhaps try looking at it from a different angle so as not to ruin her day - that's not bashing, that's empathising over the initial reaction but trying to calm someone down because they are the one suffering.

I appreciate when you're down small things can take on a big significance, but I also appreciate that you can get bogged down with viewing everything in life in the same way - good or bad. That's really not healthy and personally I really appreciate RL friends who are not afraid to point this out to me before I sabotage things that should be easy/enjoyable.

Some things in life need sympathy, some need solutions and some need perspective.

TartyMcTart · 10/03/2013 18:38

Wow, I mean just wow.

I got the Hairy Dieters book for my birthday from my OH and I was really pleased! I never thought for one moment that I should have been offended

louschmoo · 10/03/2013 18:43

Well 'bashing' is a question of prespective isn't it. If you're feeling robust then fine, but the OP clearly isn't. This thread hasn't been a total flaming but the tone has hardly been sympathetic. From OPs 2nd post it's pretty clear she's feeling shit and has low self esteem. So what if this is AIBU - there are loads of threads to post on, if people want to dole out 'get a grip' style comments then they should find some less vulnerable OPs to direct their opinions at. This isn't directed at anyone in particular by the way, more a general point.

OP, I would be pissed off to get a diet book from my husband whatever the circs. But I do think that men are sometimes a bit crap at working these things out. He did remember and I'm sure he didn't mean anything horrible by it.

curryeater · 10/03/2013 18:53

There are all sorts of rights and wrongs on this thread that are much more important than this, but I just have to say: Mothering Sunday is not a Hallmark Holiday, it is a real thing. Like other real holidays - Christmas etc - the gift giving aspect may arguably have got out of control - but all the same, it is real.

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