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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...when receiving a CRAP mother's day gift (from the husband)...

186 replies

OvenReady · 10/03/2013 10:53

I cried.

We've had a tough couple of years (PND, social services, 2 miscarriages yada yada yada) so I kind of hoped this MD would be special. My DS is 2 so has no say in the card and gift giving.

The gift? "Hairy Dieters Cookbook".

I cried, and slowly pushed away the pancakes from breakfast.

OP posts:

skratta · 10/03/2013 12:53

Should mention they ARE quite young, and DH later told me that he'd told them to tell me that. Sigh.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy · 10/03/2013 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TroublesomeEx · 10/03/2013 12:59

If it weren't so heavy on the meat, I'd like that book!

It sounds as though he was trying to buy a thoughtful gift and it failed in your eyes.

It's been a tough couple of years for both of you. If he knows you're sensitive about your weight, then he probably thought he was showing some consideration.

I think the way these threads go is often dependent on the tone of the OP. The OP didn't have a lighthearted tone to it at all.

LineRunner · 10/03/2013 13:00

DS brought me a cup of tea in bed and the news that the cat had thrown up in the kitchen.

So that was nice.

Growlithe · 10/03/2013 13:01

captain the day has evolved over time. What is wrong with that? Why can't a person buy another person a card and a gift to show their appreciation without this 'bad commercialism' stuff being spouted all the time. It is still a day that was borne out of tradition.

TroublesomeEx · 10/03/2013 13:03

I don't necessarily think he husband was telling her she was fat though.

If the OP appears to be down and have low self esteem and complains about her weight, the her husband might have thought he'd found the solution and that he was supporting her.

Some people are more solution focused than others.

captainmummy · 10/03/2013 13:07

All I'm saying is that it is not (or shouldn't be) a gift-giving day. like valetines day,the whole meaning of the day has been lost to 'how much thought/money has gone into what I am Getting?^ '

Every single religious dayof the year has been taken over by big-business,(Yes, commericialism! It is not for your benefit! It is for theirs!) to get us to Buy Buy Buy . The whole point of religious days is to take stock, count your (non-monetary) blessings, and appreciate your loved ones.

That does not mean how much can you spend on them - in fact, if you think about it, it means the total reverse.

And i am not remotely religious.

Growlithe · 10/03/2013 13:31

I don't like this belittling someone else's way of celebrating by suggesting their loved ones have been hoodwinked by big businesses just because they have bought a present.

OxfordBags · 10/03/2013 13:36

OP, I bet your Dh thought "She's a brilliant cook and she does keep moaning about her weight - although I still think she's gorgeous - and this cookbook has some really interesting stuff in it, so she'll love trying out new things and she'll lose weight... How could it possibly go wrong?!".

I'll say this gently: you sound very overwrought and oversensitised right now. It's nice to get something nice for Mother's Day and have a bit of thought put into it, but you cannot control the exact direction that that thought takes (ie your DH may well have put a lotof thought into it, but he hasn't thought in the way you would like him to have, IYSWIM), and, unless he's an arsehole the rest of the year, a disappointing pressie is simply not indicative of him not loving you, not appreciating you, or not caring about the horrible times you've been through. I think you're quite on your last nerve and have put far too much expectation on Mother's Day. It can't solve all your sadness and self-esteem issues, and no pressie would've been enough when you're focusing all your hopes on it.

BearFrills · 10/03/2013 13:44

Growlithe, I know it's not traditionally a Hallmark holiday in this country (by 'this' I presume you mean the UK, which is where I live). I'm aware of the origins of Mothering Sunday however those origins have been completely lost in the commercialisation of it and nowadays it has become a Hallmark holiday. Look at the advertising, the merchandise, the many posts on forums such as this, on Facebook and so on.

captainmummy · 10/03/2013 13:49

Grow - I'm not belittling anyone.

Think about it - who benefitted by OPs DH buying that cookbook? The Hairy Bikers. The publishers. The shop who sold it - not OP at all! Even if she'd liked it, it's still money spent. I'd be willing to bet my last £1 that OP would rather have had a bunch of snowdrops picked by ds, a card of his scribbles and tea in bed with a lie-in! All done with love. She would have had beautiful memories, rather than another cookbook (or whatever) .

The currency of mothers day/easter/christmas/birthdays should be love, not money.
We have lost sight of this, as witness to the dozens of Mothersday threads today - from 'I got a crap present' to 'i got nothing' to 'my mum is no longer with us'.

Presents/money are not the way to make someone feel special.

Growlithe · 10/03/2013 13:59

Well, DH took the DCs out to get me a present at Christmas. They got me two cookbooks because I like cooking. Every time I cook something from those books I think of them. They are peased when I've cooked one of 'their' recipes and are a bit more encouraged to actually eat a meal.

So yes, everyone made a bit of money from us. But did none of us benefit fom that present?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/03/2013 14:16

The actual origins of Mothering Sunday are probably lost in the mists of time, but before it had anything to do with 'Big Houses' it was a Catholic feast for Mary, since she's Jesus's mother.

Anyway, OP, I'm sorry but I grinned at the juxtaposition of the pancakes and the diet book but I can totally see why you were not best pleased!

We got my mum shampoo one year. Dad let us choose, and we were at the 'bigger is better' age, so I think she ended up with a litre of cut-price anti-dandruff shampoo. Niiiiice!

Spero · 10/03/2013 14:17

No one is accusing anyone of being 'hoodwinked' by commercialism, knock yourself out if that is what you want to do. But I bet a lot of mothers would love a lie in and breakfast in bed at her than some expensive card, bunch of flowers etc.

In my experience, often the more money spent, the less genuine love and thought has gone into a gift.

I think Oxfordbags has said it all.

Growlithe · 10/03/2013 14:22

Why does every gift have to be 'expensive'? Why can't mums get a lie in and a present?

FakePlasticLobsters · 10/03/2013 14:36

OP perhaps he just saw the book, thought that since you have cook books and liked the programme, you might like their book as well. Especially if it was one he thought you didn't already have.

He might not even have realised it said 'Dieters' rather than 'bikers' in the title. He might have just seen the photo on the cover and thought "it's those blokes OvenReady likes on the TV'' and bought it.

captainmummy · 10/03/2013 14:37

Grow - I'm glad you liked your cookbooks. I'm pretty sure that everytime OP cooks from the Hairy Bikers she will not have happy thoughts.
No, my point is that we are so conditioned now to expect a 'gift' at every religious day. And the more expensive or more appropriate the better - in fact if the appropriate amount of money or thought is not forthcoming, it actually makes us more unhappy, rather than happy. I am perfectly happy to get a bunch of flowers or a bubble bath for xmas or birthdays, so long as it is given with love and a cuddle.

I was on a thread yesterday where the OP was bemoaning the fact the Easter was coming up - another 'gift-giving bonanza'. She couldn't afford it. Who can, these days?
Why can't mums get a lie in and a present? - why do you want a present?

OP - sorry you are upset with the 'gift' you DP bought for you. But I do think you have invested a lot of emotion into this Mothers Day after your shitty year.

Growlithe · 10/03/2013 14:56

captain it is not a matter of wanting a present. It is a matter of being happy that my DCs would want to do something for me without banging on about commercialism. FWIW, I got some lovely handmade things from my DCs, some nice, random and inexpensive bought gifts and made cards. Nothing that really smacked of them being ripped off by merciless capitalists.

OTOH, I did walk past Pandora in Liverpool One yesterday, and noticed they had a roped off 'queue' area outside with a member of staff letting one out one in when the shop was empty - thus trying to create demand. So I can see your point there.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/03/2013 15:03

Sooooo much empathy on one thread.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 10/03/2013 15:04

Good post OXfordBAgs

chibi · 10/03/2013 15:17

some people are not good at giving gifts.

my MIL used to give me things like peg bags, seat covers for the car (i can't drive), jewellery boxes (i have a wedding ring. that's it), a box set of miss marple - gifts that at first i thought meant that not only did she not even think for a moment what i might like or be interested in, she did not give a shit.

i used to feel really put out by this.

then i noticed that my dh, her only child and apple of her eye, around whom her world revolved, got similar random shit from her. it was just how she was

crappy gifts are crappy, but i try to be more gracious and not infer any meaning from them at all anymore

FakePlasticLobsters · 10/03/2013 15:22

I don't know where the other bit of my post went.

But I had said that it does sound like you've had a very difficult and upsetting time over the past couple of years and sound like you are physically and emotionally drained, not to be too hard on yourself and that I hope you enjoy the rest of the day.

cleofatra · 10/03/2013 15:25

I got a card, and an odd one with a "mum needs a drink" theme.
I dont drink

meh, its a card. Im not that big on mothers day

(would love the cookbook though)

Spero · 10/03/2013 15:26

I think that if a present tips you over edge into crying, its really not about the present.

I like capitalism and I like presents but I never 'expect' one. Love, kindness and consideration an be shown in many other ways.

SpringHeeledJack · 10/03/2013 15:30

OP- ime mothers' day is usually rather shit

we have more or less cancelled it- after a few disastrous ones (notably one where OH told me to 'fuck off' at 630 in the morning- we were v stressed at the time, I say in his defence)

(that said, OH is cooking a massive roast while I dick around on here)

come back to the thread, lovey. I got a pound shop Toblerone. I'll let you have a chunk

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