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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my sister is being ridiculous and nasty

131 replies

frillyflower · 09/03/2013 14:12

My sister is a very difficult woman and prone to over dramaticising and exaggerating and I keep a (fragile) peace by being very conciliatory and passive (bit scared of her).

Last night I got in from work (2 hour commute), started cooking dinner, DH got in (had had v stressful day and bad traffic home). Just sat down to eat when phone rang. DH said to our son to answer but say we are just having dinner and will phone whoever back after.

Son came to table said 'was auntie Frilly I told her you would phone her back'. I phoned her back straight away and she said she had never been so upset in her life, it was totally unacceptable to tell anyone you were too busy to speak on the phone. She then said we had raised our son to be a snob and that she now hates him. She then said she was so upset her legs had given way and she had fallen to the floor.

I tried to calm her down but she slammed the phone down on me and now won't talk to me.

DH and DS are just bemused. DS is not a snob by the way and is very polite and has always been lovely to her.

DH says to laugh it off but I am upset now. I hate being on non speakers with anyone. What would you do?

OP posts:
ElkiesBrook · 09/03/2013 18:27

what i was meaning is that sometimes if we understand some of the reasons a person acts in a certain way, it can go along way to it not affecting us

flippinada · 09/03/2013 18:29

Yes I agree - X posts!

ElkiesBrook · 09/03/2013 18:31

ah, i see what you mean ada

OP has stated tho that the SIL has spent time in hospital because of it

i am very conscious of that 'trotting out' that happens, poor MH is prevalent in my family - it saddens me when certain behaviours are attributed to MH when really it's just that person being a twat

whimsicalmess · 09/03/2013 18:36

She sounds absolutely batshit I'm sorry

'so upset her legs had given way' dear god what a disgrace,

and anyone who said my son was a snob and hated him would basically be dead to me after that, sister or not.

HecateWhoopass · 09/03/2013 18:36

I don't put up with it if it's a family member.

Why should an accident of birth entitle someone to treat you like shit?

When i was 16, I was ill and hospitalised. My dad's parents decided that I would go and stay with them when I got out. Told my parents this. As in we have no choice! I said no, I wanted to be with my parents.

For this heinous crime, my father's mother screamed down the phone via my dad's father, who was on the phone to me, I was upset and he was talking to me. "Don't go gettting clucky X, we want nothing more to do with her"

I gave them what they wanted.

And when the rest of my father's family thought we should roll over and take it up the arse like they all had for 50 years, bending over for these manipulative, spiteful and passive aggressive people and decided we were in the wrong for not toeing the family line - I cut their nasty arses out of my life too.

DNA means fuck all.

WafflyVersatile · 09/03/2013 18:38

I think mostly you have to know, really know that this is her problem, not yours and work on letting it wash over you. Whatever she says can't hurt you because it's bollocks. Destroying things in a fit of pique is a different matter....

I understand your wish to comply with your mum's wish for you all to stay friends, but it's not like she was a friend to stay friends with. Your sister is busy being all offended and unhappy. She will be unhappy whether you are there to abuse or not. You can't make her better or happy however much you pander to her. nothing will ever be enough.

Also it's easy for people to say they wouldn't put up with it when they come across these sorts of people from time to time rather than having 'pandering to unreasonable sister' as part of their script for their whole life as you have.

Anyway. You left her to phone you and she did and she apologised. You stood up for your son and she took a strop and put the phone down. Leave her to it again and see if her behaviour improves. Better that when these dramas happen you let it wash over you and let her get in contact again when she's feeling more reasonable. Try it out and see if it gets better results than pandering.

HecateWhoopass · 09/03/2013 18:38

Oh, and a few years ago my own mother nearly got booted. When she told me that she had to 'protect' my grandad from my children. (autistic, loud, etc.)

I told her to sod right off. That she and my dad were shit grandparents and they needed to choose whether they were going to be good ones or not in our lives and either was fine with me.

Again.

DNA.

Fuck.
All.

HecateWhoopass · 09/03/2013 18:39

waffly, I had my grandparents my whole life. The entire family was about pandering to my father's mother and her 'headaches'.

Screw that.

FellNel · 09/03/2013 18:41

Bloody hell. If it really is that bad, I think I'd be inclined to tell her to get a grip, grow up, or piss off out of your lives for good. Honestly who needs this kind of crap?

Uppermid · 09/03/2013 18:42

She's the way she is because you've let her get away with, so to her she's reasonable.

Of course she's not reasonable at all, I really don't understand why you tiptoe around her. You don't need a dramatic showdown but just don't try to please her s much. Who cares if she gets upset that you can't do what she wants when she wants it, if she has a hissy fit, ignore her, like you would a toddler. Enjoy the peace and quiet whilst she's not talking to you

youmaycallmeSSP · 09/03/2013 18:42

Totally unacceptable behaviour on her part. I would stop bothering TBH. I did with my drama queen SIL and life is so much nicer.

flippinada · 09/03/2013 18:43

My family is the same too Elkie.

It's great that there's less stigma attached to MH problems but unfortunately that means that people can be a bit too quick to conflate plain old bad behaviour with "MH issues" .

I'll shut up now as I don't want to derail fillys thread!

pollypandemonium · 09/03/2013 18:50

She does have MH issues as she attempted suicide some years ago. Having lost someone to suicide recently I think you do need to tread carefully by setting very clear boundaries so that she cannot misread your intentions or actions.

Be thankful you are not going what she's going through - her life must be miserable.

MammaTJ · 09/03/2013 18:50

I can see I have to work on my own attitude rather than hers.

So true. You cannot do anything about how anyone else behaves, only how you respond to their behaviour.

Now, you sound like such a people pleaser. You sound like you want everyone to get along and be happy. Well, in the case of your sister, this may not be possible.

Do not pander!! Do not bow to her appalling behaviour. Simples!! Grin

Chiggers · 09/03/2013 18:51

You shouldn't be worried if she slammed the phone down on your son and refused to speak to you, you should've been running around the kitchen, with your harms in the air, like William Wallace shouting "Freeeeedooooom"

KoalaCakes · 09/03/2013 19:00

how has she got this far in life?!!

bootsycollins · 09/03/2013 19:08

I'd love an answer machine full of messages like the ones your sister would leave just for the pure entertainment value, we have some messages on ours that we can't delete because their absolute comedy gems.

On a serious note though, your not responsible for your sister and the way she behaves, she is regardless of mental health problems.

Don't try to please her, put you and your family's needs first, you can't reason with the unreasonable.

bootsycollins · 09/03/2013 19:09

*they're

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/03/2013 19:22

Well, they get by because people love them despite everything.

TheFallenNinja · 09/03/2013 19:39

If any of my family had said that. I would have jumped in the car, gone round there and punched them in the mouth.

Family do not have any more right to criticise than some tosser in the street.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/03/2013 19:59

"she lives in another country"
Thank fuck goodness for that! Now get yourself an answering machine, and control when she can reach you.

"I hate being on non speakers with anyone."
And this, presumably, is why you put up with her shit. Think about why this might be. You said she is 12 years older than you, so I'm guessing you've been 'trained' to be like this - maybe by her, maybe by your mother (you posted "Before mum died she told me that she wanted us all ( me, brother,sister) to remain friends for life." ). YOu really need to 'retrain' your reaction to her. I'd suggest following your husband's lead.

cjel · 09/03/2013 20:14

I know how hard it is to have one person in the family everyone trys to keep happy the guilt if 'you upset them' is awful. I however have a phone for my convenience and only answer it if I want to.

JackieTheFart · 09/03/2013 20:18

Based on your first post, I would have told her to get a fucking grip and I'd call her when she'd calmed down.

Based on your later ones, it sounds like she either has some serious issues, or is so used to being the centre of attention and a drama llama that she seems to have serious issues.

Either way, I'd be seriously tempted to turn it around and say she really hurt you with her ridiculous histrionics and that you feel you need a break from her.

candyandyoga · 09/03/2013 20:19

I feel very frustrated reading how you roll over and let her give you so much grief! Please stop letting her be like this with you... Grow some balls woman!

Adversecamber · 09/03/2013 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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