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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is being ridiculous and nasty

131 replies

frillyflower · 09/03/2013 14:12

My sister is a very difficult woman and prone to over dramaticising and exaggerating and I keep a (fragile) peace by being very conciliatory and passive (bit scared of her).

Last night I got in from work (2 hour commute), started cooking dinner, DH got in (had had v stressful day and bad traffic home). Just sat down to eat when phone rang. DH said to our son to answer but say we are just having dinner and will phone whoever back after.

Son came to table said 'was auntie Frilly I told her you would phone her back'. I phoned her back straight away and she said she had never been so upset in her life, it was totally unacceptable to tell anyone you were too busy to speak on the phone. She then said we had raised our son to be a snob and that she now hates him. She then said she was so upset her legs had given way and she had fallen to the floor.

I tried to calm her down but she slammed the phone down on me and now won't talk to me.

DH and DS are just bemused. DS is not a snob by the way and is very polite and has always been lovely to her.

DH says to laugh it off but I am upset now. I hate being on non speakers with anyone. What would you do?

OP posts:
StoicButStressed · 09/03/2013 16:21

1: Your DS sounds as if he has beautiful mannersSmile.
2: Your DS sounds seriously unstable; delusional (do NOT mean that in an offensive way, but in an MH way).
3: If/where/how possible, try support her in both understanding she has a problem (one that is more common than most people know; that you're not being rude but trying to help her yada yada);
4: If she rejects any constructive loving help; then beyond that you have no choice (& certainly no obligation) to do more than that;
5: By 'pandering' to her behaviour (which DEF sounds like serious MH issues), you are actually enabling her;
6: Ditto, threatening your sanity and your normal family life in process;
7: Ergo, no option in that instances but to draw up THE most clear of boundaries;
8: Would do in letter (& CC to all other relees so she cannot misrepresent anything you have said) & would include in there a DIRECT analogy - say, her 'hurt & offence' at JacketGate and directly point out YOUR hurt/the offensiveness of what she said about your son.
9: If all that fails then just stop. You can't help her if she isn't ready/doesn't want to get help/is in denial about her - HER - issues, so make THAT clear (politely and with love, obv.) in same letter.
10: Walk away if she carries on.

YouTheCat · 09/03/2013 16:22

As she's in another country, I'd let her go totally ape and then just ignore her.

If you ignore her she can't have a drama.

ENormaSnob · 09/03/2013 16:26

So how long are you expecting your dh and ds to put up with this shit?

Altinkum · 09/03/2013 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
frillyflower · 09/03/2013 16:30

Thank you. My DS does indeed have good manners and is a charming person (I think although I am his mother obviously).

My DH is also very lovely and does not deserve to have his behaviour around cheese criticised frankly.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 09/03/2013 16:32

We all tiptoe around her because we can't bear the fallings out

Gosh I really have no time for people like this. I don't actually know anyone quite as bad as your sister sounds but I do know a few who will have a strop if they don't get their way so people end up walking on eggshells around them.

Sod 'em I say. Maybe she needs to see that other people think her behaviour is totally unreasonable rather than being shielded all the time. Perhaps you should tell her she is behaving like a spoiled toddler and then have nothing more to do with her. Sounds like she will have noone but her DH left soon if she carries on as she is.

OkayHazel · 09/03/2013 16:40

I hope she did collapse on the floor. That shit would be hilarious.

nilbyname · 09/03/2013 16:40

Well I can see how this is a complicated situation for you but there is one thing making a promise to your late mother, and quite another exposing your DS and Dh to this.

I would forget about the holiday let near them....that sounds like a recipe for disaster!

Also I would start being very clear about your boundries, and what you will and wont put up with. Have some clear phrase that you can say to her calmly. Something like..."I understand that you are angry, but your behaviour is not acceptable and I am not tolerating it from you. I will talk to you tomorrow when you are calmer."

anonymosity · 09/03/2013 16:43

Her LEGS gave way?
Is she in her 80's?
Is she insane, or clinically suffering from borderline personality disorder?
Ignore her, total waste of your energy.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/03/2013 16:46

I'm fully expecting someone to start using the nn 'no one tells me how to cut cheese in my own house'.

So what are your sisters good points? There must be something good about the relationship.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 09/03/2013 16:49

Grin ^^^

Reminded me that I meant to say, OP, I very much enjoyed the phrase 'My DH ... does not deserve to have his behaviour around cheese criticised frankly.'

ivykaty44 · 09/03/2013 16:52

Some one couldn't speak to her on the phone and her legs give way with the trams

What happens if she has a real trams witha relative admitted to hospital in an emergency situation

Goodness don't get dragged into this poddles drama, it really isn't worth worrying about

Original poster
frillyflower · 09/03/2013 17:08

No Fluffy sadly I don't find anything good in the relationship. She's quite good at needlework and knitting I suppose.

She has had some real trauma - her husband was v ill and in hospital. She told everyone he was making the most massive fuss and she was taken to a&e herself with palpitations.

I can't tell you everything. It sounds unbelievable but it is unfortunately true. I can see I have to work on my own attitude rather than hers.

I don't believe her legs really gave way at all. I do think she gets in such a rage she probably feels ill though.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 09/03/2013 17:18

Oh that's a bit sad really, well it's up to you rather than her and at least you realise this.

I'm sure you can all do without the drama.

flippinada · 09/03/2013 17:45

She sounds just awful frilly poor you! There's another poster on here having very similar problems with a horrible relative, right down to taking massive offence at something completely innocuous and the spineless, enabling husband. Maybe your could swap horror stories!

Of course it's so ridiculous it sounds funny to read but dealing with it is anything but.

I would just leave her to tantrum away and get on with your life. If she's at a distance then all to the better. Don't be in a rush to sort things out.

Booyhoo · 09/03/2013 17:55

"she slammed the phone down on me and now won't talk to me."

"What would you do? "

enjoy the peace?

SneakyNinja · 09/03/2013 17:59

Erm....yabu Hmm

flippinada · 09/03/2013 18:03

Booyhoo has got it in one! Grin

ElkiesBrook · 09/03/2013 18:06

of course it's your choice to keep a relationship going with this person, but wanted to point out that anxiety really can have such physical symptoms as she's describing

she does sound like really hard work, and pandering to ALL her demands won't help her, but it sounds to me as though she does have some serious MH issues that aren't being dealt with

flippinada · 09/03/2013 18:15

Can I just take a moment to point out that a lot of people have MH issues and don't carry on like this?

I would agree that it sounds like she has MH issues but that's not an excuse to behave in such an appalling way.

buildingmycorestrength · 09/03/2013 18:19

Agree with another poster above that having prearranged scripts is a tried and tested way of dealing with this sort of thing.

ElkiesBrook · 09/03/2013 18:20

was that directed at me, ada?

if so, i have not said the SIL's behaviour should be excused because of her MH, or that it was down to her MH

but that she sounds as if she has some issues that aren't being dealt with

FashionFail · 09/03/2013 18:21

Ring back and 'come clean'. Tell her you couldn't answer the phone cos you were having sex.

timidviper · 09/03/2013 18:21

Lesson number 1: If you do not want to talk on the phone, let it go to answerphone.

Lesson number 2: Do not get drawn into her dramas. When she behaves like this, take a step back and ignore until she climbs down from her high horse.

Lesson number 3: Live your life as you want to and do not allow her to impinge on it.

I have a very difficult person to deal with (possible borderline personality disorder) and find the above 3 rules serve me well.

flippinada · 09/03/2013 18:27

It's not aimed at anyone Elkie - no offence was meant.

It's just that the "must have MH issues" line is often trotted out on MN as justification for all sorts of horrible behaviour.

I think it does a disservice to all the perfectly lovely people out there who also happen to have MH issues.

That's probably for a separate thread though.