Do you tell your child to hit back?

[Snowwhite22]

The same boy in my ds year 1 class has scratched my sons face twice this week. I will speak to his teacher in the morning.
When I asked him what happened my ds said he hit the boy back today and ds got told off by the teacher. I said don't hit back, always tell the teacher or you will end up in trouble but my Dh said he must hit back or he will be bullied.
Who is right?
What do you tell your dc? Hit back or tell adult?

I was always told that if hit, then hit them back as hard as you can. Never start it. If there is a group of people hitting you then smack the biggest one there, there rest will tend to back off.

At my DCs schools they do deal with bullying hard. Hitting is dealt with quickly and effectively.

However most hitting (at least beyond Reception) is done by kids with SN. If you hit them back it will not stop them hitting you. In fact they often will have already perceived that they have been "hit" even if it was a soft touch.

Also in a good school which deals effectively with bullying, it is a good chance that the child delivering the second blow will be the one seen, and therefore the one punished.

Wow I am completely shocked at how many people tell there children to hit back. I enountered this once when my ds, who has SN (but were only just becoming apparent and were undiagnosed at the time) was only 2.5 and he pinched a little girl very hard at a toddler group.

I took ds to apologise (then for time out) and mother would not hear the apology and turned her back to me and said loudly to her dd "next time hit him back hard".

I was horrified having just spent time out explaining to ds why pinching is not acceptable, if recipient then hits him how on earth would either child understand what is acceptable?

Why are you shocked? what do you expect a child to do to protect themselves when often not hitting back encourages the other child to continue hitting your child. All depends on the child, some won't hit back as it's not in their nature but I think if a child has the confidence to hit back it can save them a lot of grief down the line. I never really hit back but I wish I had, punched them right in the face instead of walking away or 'taking the moral high ground'.

My husband was also getting hassle at high school, one day he turned round and punched the ringleaders - never got hassled again.

After spending the whole of my school years getting bullied and always telling the teacher and nothing happening, I have taught my children to hit back. Never hit first, but if someone hits you, then hit them back, twice as hard.

I wish I had hit back at my bullies at secondary school. Part of the horror of being bullied is your acquiescence. I was ashamed that I let them do it. I would never let that happen now. I am proper scary!

My kids were taught to hit back harder too.

It's a difficult one. I think that when you are talking about Infant School age children then the 'tell a Teacher' route is the best way. You are still teaching them not to put up with anyone hurting them- telling the Teacher is sticking up for yourself.

I think with older children they are more able make that decision for themselves and, I as a parent, would always support my Child in that.

My views may change as ds gets older but like i said he he has SN, and struggles with his behavior and he is only 3.5. I am usually the parent of the one doin the first hit at the moment and am mortified if he tries to hurt another child.

Think Im commenting on wrong thread as our issues are quite different to OP!

I'd always go with the never hit back.
If they do then they risk being in trouble too.
I'd say, say loudly "No, don't do that, I don;t like it/It's not nice", move away, tell a grown up.

Teach them to speak up but not hit out.

IME hitting back will never solve anything in the end.

zwischenzug Fri 08-Mar-13 19:26:25
Teachers generally don't care

Not true at all ime.
I work in a school and every single break there are teaching staff dealing with kids falling out and hurting themselves. In more serious issues involving bullying teachers often spend a long time dealing with the issue. And sometimes they spend a long time dealing with the parents spats too!

I tell my DC they are intelligent enough not to get hit in the first place (experience tells me this isn't true, lol), but I also tell them to walk away.

If walking away doesn't work, I go into school and tell them I am not sending my child into school to be hit...ever. So far it has worked.

High school is a different matter. DC tend not to "tell" if they are hit...and so never hitting first, but hitting back immediately and hard is probably the answer. I haven't ever told my DC to do this, but it has been effective for DS1. I have also taught my DC how to punch properly. No idea why..DH and I have never hit anyone in our lives.

Hitler hit back? LMFAO!!

this reminds me of the scene off modern family, where gay parents Cam & Mitch are ranting about persecution of gay parents.

"you know who had straight parents?....HITLER!"

heree are a lot of very interesting points on here. Can I ask those of you who Say school deals very well with bullying what they do. My ds (9) has been punched twice this week by the same child, he has done what school keep telling him to do and not hit back but feels annoyed that the behaviour hasn't stopped. The child is given a red card but publicly says he doesn't care because it doesn't mean anything anyway. This child has had about 20 red cards this academically year and he is right , they seem to mean nothing

Would never advise dc to hit back. That's legitimising violence.

I always told my children to tell a teacher. However, I have started telling them to hit back and hit back harder. I started to notice that my children couldn't defend themselves and got scared when someone hit them. Also, when ever they did tell a teacher they did nothing. My son once told a teacher and he was told "stop telling me about xxx hitting you, you are in year 1 now" so that was it for me, he got told to hit them back and to make sure it was twice as hard.

I told my dc not to hit back but to go and tell a teacher. Rubbish mistake that was, it made them a complete target. Now I tell them to hit back as hard as they can.

I was physically bullied for five years until I snapped and beat the bully up, I used to imagine death as an escape. My parents were back and for the school for years. My DSs were never going to experience what I did. They did Tae KWON DO from aged five until 16 and learned how to defend themselves by blocking punches etc. They learned discipline and had confidence but we're never a bully or a victim and I am very proud of the way they would stand up for others, thanks to their amazing instructor for the values he instilled in them.

Completely torn on this one.

I can't quite bring myself to tell my DC to hit back. My friend has 3 sons and has always taught them to hit back but NEVER hit first. They all go to karate classes and are quite skilled, they can certainly defend themselves.
Her eldest DS has had a fair bit of trouble at primary school and ended up in detention as everyone involved in the fracas gets hauled in. He is a genuinely good natured boy and tried to sort things with teachers/adults but it never really resolved anything, the bullies just carried on. Defending himself (and he's a brown belt) has had a far more dramatic effect, they just leave him alone now.

My friend is unapologetic for her stance on this and has told the teachers that she won't back down. She knows that her son has had to spend a few lunch breaks in detention because he was involved in the argument but it's been for the long term good.

My DH was bullied throughout his whole school life. It has left him with life long mental health issues which have affected all areas of his life. He is just getting on top of it at 42 after years of counselling. PIL were firmly in the 'never hit back' camp. Numerous meetings with teachers/head got them nowhere. DH was still bullied.
I guess we'll never know now if physically defending himself would have changed things for him.

I totally get that teachers cannot condone resolving issues by fighting so always teach kids to 'tell', it would be chaos.

My own DC have so far not had any issues (year R&3), still not sure how to tackle this when it does arise.

We always said to ds not to start a fight but he could finish it and we'd back him up if he got into trouble at school for it. He endured a year of nasty bullying and finally flipped and lamped the boy , funnily enough that ended it and the boy never touched ds again

Hmmm

One of my dc's is tiny but fast. The other one is slow but strong. I tell one to run and tell, the other one to hit back hard.

no. not even between siblings.

We tell DS never to hit first...