Do you tell your child to hit back?

[Snowwhite22]

The same boy in my ds year 1 class has scratched my sons face twice this week. I will speak to his teacher in the morning.
When I asked him what happened my ds said he hit the boy back today and ds got told off by the teacher. I said don't hit back, always tell the teacher or you will end up in trouble but my Dh said he must hit back or he will be bullied.
Who is right?
What do you tell your dc? Hit back or tell adult?

It's Pavlovian conditioning, though, isn't it? Small kid scratches other kid. Gets a thump in return, so stops scratching. Job done.

A child who hits another child at school will get in trouble.

I think that's a bit of a simplistic way of looking at things.

If a thump worked to condition children then every parenting 'expert' would be advocating a good thump for every negative behaviour imaginable. Lord knows children who receive a good thump never ever repeat the behaviour that earned them that thump .....

Agree with that Worra. One of mine just does not have it in him to be physical. Telling him to hit back would not work, would be against his own instincts and values. The other one, instinctively he will physicallty defend himself. I worry about him just as much, actually. Bullies can spin things how they like, so being handy with your fists doesn't always work.

Walk away/escape and tell a grown up where possible, defend yourself as the absolute last resort.

DS has only defended himself once, an older boy had his hands around DS's throat and there were no adults visible. He used minimum force to escape and went straight to a teacher, he sis the right thing imo.

I teach my child to remove themselves from the person hitting/kicking/calling names and to go and find an adult.

Hitting back doesn't work and is wrong.

For 4yo DD, I have told her that if they hit you, you say "STOP, THAT HURTS" or "STOP, I DON'T LIKE IT" in a loud voice.

If they don't stop, you can push them away.

We have role-played this a bit. Sometimes the child is cornered and they can't move away and tell a grown up.

^did

Schools are sso much better at dealing with bullying than many parents fear

There is never any excuse to hit back!

Never??? is that age specific? Situation general?

Sounds like my DS2 Jamie

The other 2 would have no trouble defending themselves but he's just not that way.

Therefore even if he did hit back, he'd be likely to come off far far worse.

Fortunately he's got the gift of the gab and at nearly 14yrs old, he's been in no trouble yet (touches wood).

Telling a teacher/TA/other responsible adult does not work.

Walloping back does.

OP, yes I have told my DCs to hit back.

DDs being regularly hit by an aggressive girl. Told school 3 times. Am reluctant to tel her to hit back:
Once she's hit back she's done something contrary to her gentle nature.
She's never lost golden time, would be just her luck to get punished. She'd be mortified and ashamed.
Hitter's mum feels bad for my dd. If dd hit back I'd lose support of other mother.
Hitter would enjoy the challenge of fighting back. She'd scream blue murder and never let up about it to dd.
Dd would not be able to cope with conversation with teacher. She'd clam up and wouldn't be able to speak to defend her actions.

Please feel free to counter the above. Happy to be told I'm wrong.

Yes there are definitely reasons to hit back...especially in senior school.

Sometimes hitting back means you get left alone

Sometimes hitting back means you get hit harder

But each child needs to weigh that up for him/herself.

I spent 5 years telling my son not to hit back at the group of lads (lead by one lad) who were relentless in their bullying.

The primary school did the bare minimum, so did the secondary.

DS DID hit back last month and has had no trouble since.

Thanks for all the comments. I hope I'm doing the right thing, he's only 6 so think he should always tell an adult. When he's older I'm sure the advice will be different.

I wouldn't ever encourage hitting back but sometimes its the right thing to do.

What happens when there is no adult around?

Or worse , when its an older child/adult doing the hitting/abusing.

Some people just send out mixed messages.

it is perfectly acceptable for anyone to DEFEND themselves. Be that 3, 13 or 33

Bear I'm not advocating thumping kids as a way of instilling discipline (although this was a common way of doing things when I was a kid). But if a small child learns that if he/ she receives an unpleasant reaction (a thump) instantly every time he/she attacks a particular child, then surely he/she will be discouraged from doing so in future? I'm no parenting guru, mind

As other posters have pointed out, interactions between older children are more complex esp in bullying scenarios. I'd always encourage an older child to develop a range of self-defence measures, from escape to fighting back, and to judge which one to use according to the situation.

I don't agree with Holly often but completely agree today.

There's a child in the same class as my son. Since September, this child has scratched him numerous times, ripped his coat, kicked him, taken or broken his things on purpose and tried to get my ds into trouble. I have been telling ds to tell a grown up. I've spoken to the teacher and nothing has changed.
2 weeks ago, I told my ds to push him back. Only he misheard push for punch. He then punched the child and like a few more on the thread, the child has left ds alone.
If an adult with a duty of care for my child refuses to deal with it properly, I will never tell him off for defending himself. Never. If it had been dealt with properly in the first place, it should not have escalated as it had.

I tell My dc's not to hit back but tell the teacher. But when ds3 was the bully I after I found put I told the fuel that she should hit him back if he tryed again, she did he never bothered her again.
So sometimes it is the right thing to do as it shows them they are not going to get away with.

Bloody spell checker on the phone it should say girl not fuel sorry .

From what I've experience most schools do very little to stop bullying behaviour but when the victim hits back the victim is punished. i'd say first, walk away and tell a teacher if this doesn't stop the bullying I'm all for self defence. Schools need to deal more effectively with bullying dcs have said teachers, dinner ladies just give the bully a bit of a telling off which does nothing to deter them I'd go for the full naming / shaming and loss of priviledges for at least a week anf full physically seperation between bully and victim. I'd also go for suspension/ expulsion in serious cases.

Yes OP I think at 6yrs old you're doing the right thing for your child right now.

You're also right to review it as and when needed.

As someone else mentioned, there won't always be adults around so kids eventually have to think about being able to defend themselves at some point.

At Infant age kids don't always have the verbal skills to deal with things and simply telling them to hit back if they've been hit...can lead to them lashing out because someone behind them in the line, was pushed into them for example.

But as they get older they learn to asses situations properly.