Do you tell your child to hit back?

[Snowwhite22]

The same boy in my ds year 1 class has scratched my sons face twice this week. I will speak to his teacher in the morning.
When I asked him what happened my ds said he hit the boy back today and ds got told off by the teacher. I said don't hit back, always tell the teacher or you will end up in trouble but my Dh said he must hit back or he will be bullied.
Who is right?
What do you tell your dc? Hit back or tell adult?

My DS is 5 and hasn't had too much trouble at school yet, couple of small incidents with other children but nothing where I have felt the need to go to the school.

I tell him if someone does something he doesn't like, tell them loudly and firmly to stop as he doesn't like it. If it is something minor (like pulling his coat hood is something that happened) then he is to tell an adult. If someone keeps on and is violent then yes he is allowed to hit back. Its part of the reason why I started him at karate at a young age, so he can learn self defence. Schools do bugger all, they have limited powers, there are some bullies who won't give a shit about a child telling an adult or a child telling them to leave them alone, if my children have to hit back then so be it. I have stressed it is a LAST resort but I won't have any of this crap that 8-9-10 year olds or whatever need to go and tell the teacher because someone who doing the bullying won't give a shit about that.

I'm sorry but if I were physically attacked, I wouldnt be standing around hoping a stray copper might stroll past, so I could 'grass' ... I'd fight for my life.

I'm, sure there is a great deal of milage in being utterly passive but you have to instil that there are times when you have to defend your own ground, for your own safety.

Some people have the verbal dexterity to negotiate their way out of situation, some people haven't that ability. Some people are taught - yes taught - to go through life with a victim complex.

It would only work if you could be reasonably confident that the other child wouldn't be able to hit back even harder still and make mince meat of them- I never saw any reason for that confidence looking at my own two dc.

I'm really sorry but as a teacher and a parent I think it is awful to be telling kids to hit people. Walk away? Run off? What happens if they end up in a fight with someone carrying a knife? What about when they face conflict as an adult?
FWIW I did thump a bully myself when at school. Not sure it was the way I should have responded and my parents certainly never told me to do it.

Agree with Worral on this.

DS was having trouble with a boy at school, holding round the neck, pushing etc. I spoke to the school twice about it and told DS to tell a teacher, shout 'Stop, Dopn't hurt me etc'. I felt that this advice was appropriate for his age, I do believe that there are times when you should hit back and defend yourself however at 5 I didn't feel that I could give him this advice as a number of factors need to be weighed up and a decision taken.

Called over to the teacher 2 days later, DS had hit back. Secretly pretty pleased that he'd done it, didn't condone it, DS hasn't had any trouble with this boy since.

DS now does a martial art, we were going to start anyway but to defend yourself you need training, including learning discipline and when to walk away. Hope to get DS to learn judo later on, one of the best disciplines to defend youself with.

What worked at dc's school was that all children were trained to know that they had to tell an adult if anybody was being hurt or frightened. That meant there was always somebody looking out for them in case of bullying. On the few occasions when ds was attacked in the playground, one or other of the other children intervened, because that's what they had been taught.

And what about the particularly vindictive bully who will come back with a crowd if friends and/or an older sibling and beat up your DC?
Martial Arts are never to be used to fight out of the ring. (Good teachers would kick out a kid who got a reputation for this. ) And self defence is just that. Not self attack or give as good as you get. If I had no other option I'd fight for my DC or my life but how often is that really the case?

I had a three hit rule with my kids if it was the same child doing the hitting.
First hit - tell the teacher/supervisor
second hit tell the teacher/supervisor again
Third hit - hit the kid hard and make sure he doesn't hassle you again.

My kids weren't going to be a punchbag for anyone.

After an incident many years ago where they did this they have got through primary and secondary without any further ado.

Martial Arts are useful for self defence, I have done a martial art and was concerned that any class DS went to was based around discipline and respect. His teacher, as well as DH and I, all stress that it should not be used outside the class.

However, when he is older and out on the streets going out at night, it will help him, firstly you avoid trouble, you walk away, as a last resort you defend yourself (using your martial arts skills, if you don't train you will not use them effectively) and get away as quickly as you can. Assualts on young men are so common, being glassed in a pub, mugged, someone trying to start a fight wiht you because they are a meathead. So actually these situations are horribly common.

DS1 was having trouble with a boy at school (Y3/4, I think). Told him to turn the other cheek/walk away/tell teacher, etc. Nothing worked. He was telling everyone that he was going to leave the school.

One day, he just snapped and punched the boy in the solar plexus. He thought he'd killed him and hid in the toilets. He hadn't and has never (18 now) been bullied ever again.

Not sure what I'll tell my children, too young at present to be an issue. I like to think that violence is never a solution to violence.

I was NEVER bullied at school despite having awful sticking out teeth a few kids tried it on but I wa always blessed with a very quick and sharp t

martial arts are great for developing confidence too. My ds2 does judo, he has never "used" it outside lessons but it has given him a bit more belief in himself and his ability to handle situations.

I would NOT and have not told my children to hit back, I think it is irresponsible and a bit weird to do so. I've taught mine that hitting people is unacceptable. I tell mine to walk straight to an adult and report the problem, not answer violence with more violence. I will do my best to ensure that their complaints are acted upon.

But ds1 is being bullied by some Y6 boys and I spoke to the school about it yesterday, so God knows what happens next if the adults don't do the right thing

I tell my Year 1 DD to move away from the child and tell a grown up.

I think this is the appropriate advice at this age, also it's what the school tell the children to do so I support this.

DD wouldn't hit back any way. In fact I think she'd very upset and scared if I told her to defend herself, mainly because she wouldn't have the confidence to do so.

Also I'd be effectively telling her that it's up to her to take responsibility for her own personal safety, and it's her own fault if she's hurt again because she hasn't defended herself properly - and that's not fair at this age (she's 5).

Not sure what I'll tell my children, too young at present to be an issue. I like to think that violence is never a solution to violence.

I was NEVER bullied at school despite having awful sticking out teeth, a few kids tried it on but I was always blessed with a very quick and sharp tongue and after a few verbal retorts was never picked on again.

Probably best to be careful what you tell children though, my mother always said that we should stick up for my youngest brother which we took very literally and when the school 'bad boy' started picking on him we (aged 8 & 6 yrs) took some things out of the other children's bags and hid them in his bag. The result? He was excluded for stealing

We have told ours to never hit back, but tbh, it has never been an issue. Our eldest is 14.

Both dh and I have got to 40 without ever hitting anyone. I hope it will be the same for our children.

I don't think it's a good idea to teach your children that they have to hit back or that you expect them to hit back - as someone above said, lots of kids just don't have it in them, and feeling like they've let their parents down will only make them feel shitter.

But I do think children should know that they can defend themselves if they don't feel there is a better option, such as if they've already told an adult to no avail, or if there are no adults around, or if they are in immediate physical danger, and that you won't be cross with them for doing so. Nobody should grow up believing they have to put up with being bullied or attacked, by anybody. And some schools can be crap at dealing with bullying, and, especially as children get older it can start to take place outside of school as well.

I have always told my DC to never ever fight with anyone if you can walk away.

BUT if you cant walk away and you have to defend yourself then hit them once and hit them hard (they both did 5yrs karate BTW). DS2 has used this once, and when asked why he hit the child, (who was on his back strangling him at the time) told his teacher what I had told him to do. Much to his surprise, as the other lad was crying on the floor at the time, she let him off, without even telling him off.

DS1 is a now a big confident rugby playing lad and to my knowledge has never hit anyone. I have only ever once hit someone myself, when at 12 I floored a boy at school who was bullying the girls and who happened to pick on me.

We have told our sons they can hit back if someone is repeatedly hitting them or hurting them but that they must never hit first or be the aggressor.

I used to tell my kids dont hit back go tell a teacher. My daughter was bullied for ages, school did nothing, found out teachers were telling her to go away and stop telling tales. Finally one day at the end of my tether I told her to 'punch them until they cry' She was never bullied ever again.
I dont condone violence, but unfortunately they have to feel they can defend themselves or they become targets.
If school wont help them then what other option do they have.

I tell DD to push people back, to shout DON'T DO THAT!, to tell a teacher. So far it's worked.

However, when I was at school, none of that worked. I found myself with the 'wrong' friend, stuck up for her and had full fury of the bully group focused on me. When I was thrown down a flight of stairs, I knew I had to do something or leave the school. One day in the toilets I found myself alone with the gang leader. I bounced her face off the sink. Pretty lucky it only resulted in a big nose bleed actually. But the bullying stopped.

So. I still DD to shout and to tell. If it works, fine. If it doesn't then other solutions will be recommended. Hopefully she will never be where I was.

I told mine the same as Hollyberry, none of mine were ever bullied (so far) and only one needed to hit back, that was when the other kid had been told to back off more than once so he gave him one last hard hit and down her went like a sack of potatoes. The other kid did get in trouble. Ds didn't.

Have always told my children to hit back, harder. Hitting hardest and last is something I was brought up on as was DH.

Obviously I've always said that if someone isn't treating you in a nice way, be it verbally or physically you should tell the adult in charge, but once they're out of reception I think they see through to what you're really saying.

I couldn't in good conscience tell my DC not to hit back when if someone hit me now I would hit them back and also when I was at school if someone hit me I did used to hit back and I did have fights, and I was never bullied so I believe you need to show you are not a victim, whether that is saying something or doing something, fine by me, but I don't think running to a teacher is the answer. You can't do that when you're older so I wouldn't encourage relying it now.

Personally I found telling people who wanted to bully me to fuck off worked quite well. A teacher overheard me once and was very impressed!

Not had any problems at school but there have been a couple at the local soft play, the DDs say a bigger child hit DD1 there at the weekend but DD1 did stop them hitting her little sister apparently. I'm very proud!

My DD was bullied hideously at nursery . Telling the teachers didn't have any effect, nor did me going and speaking to them.
In the end, DH practiced some 'moves' with her. She applied her 'moves' to the little charmer who was hurting her.
She was never bullied by that boy again.
We were called into the school to discuss her behavior. that was a bit tricky for DH who was DH of the senior part of the school.

DH being deputy head.