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Original poster

Do you tell your child to hit back?

151 replies

Snowwhite22 · 07/03/2013 21:14

The same boy in my ds year 1 class has scratched my sons face twice this week. I will speak to his teacher in the morning.
When I asked him what happened my ds said he hit the boy back today and ds got told off by the teacher. I said don't hit back, always tell the teacher or you will end up in trouble but my Dh said he must hit back or he will be bullied.
Who is right?
What do you tell your dc? Hit back or tell adult?

OP posts:
anonymosity · 08/03/2013 02:18

I too got bullied physically - pinches, punches in the back, kicks, being pushed into walls, shouted at. My mum went in and talked to the school and that didn't stop it. Then one day I was getting kicked in the back during an assembly and it just hurt so much and went on so long that I reached behind me and sank my nails into the leg.
I never got hurt again....

Svrider · 08/03/2013 07:46

Op as has been said by others on this thread, the teachers/dinner ladies will usually tell the victim off for telling tales
My dd1 was also "put on the cloud" for following the dinner lady round the playground (she was trying to avoid getting kicked by a girl two years older than her)

So good luck with the tell an adult thing!

pingu2209 · 08/03/2013 07:53

I say hit back, never first. Never ever first, no matter what the provocation.

However, when you hit, hit really hard so they don't get back up and hit you again!

susiedaisy · 08/03/2013 07:58

Ive always told my two kids never throw the first punch but if anyone hits you then hit them back twice as hard,

Chandon · 08/03/2013 08:04

I told my son to say loudly " DO NOT HIT ME!" and run and tell a teacher.

As soon as you hit back, you are n the wrong too. DS' bully once sat on him, stuffed earth down his jumper and pulled his willy. DS hit boy on the face. Parents of the boy complained to school. my DS was in trouble! for a bit...until a TA who had seen the whole incident stepped forward.

So I would say do not hit back, but adding that sometimes you have to fight back.

It is not black and white. i did not blame DS for hitting back at that episode.

scaevola · 08/03/2013 08:12

You need to know how well your DC can fight.

If you tell them to hit back, then they lose in the ensuing melee, their situation is much, much worse.

And also, you need to instruct the on when/where never to fight back (eg in enlisted space where you cannot be sure of reaching exit, up against more than one opponent etc). Plus of course how to hit effectively, then what to do after they have hi someone.

I the answer to the latter is 'run' and/or 'find grown up', then frankly it's better to skip the hitting bit, thus reducing risk to your DC.

niceguy2 · 08/03/2013 08:18

My rule of thumb is never hit first. If you get hit then hit back and make sure they don't get up.

I remember getting bullied several times quite badly as a child. Each time it didn't stop until I hit back.

Kids do have to learn that there are circumstances where you must fight back. It's called self defence. It's a tough lesson to teach them though when they are young.

HecateWhoopass · 08/03/2013 08:27

Oh yes.

My children have the right to defend themselves.

I tell them that they should never start anything, and if they can get away they should. Walk or run away and go and find help.

BUT. If they are cornered, and there is no escape, and someone is hitting them, they have the right to do what it takes to get past that person in order to escape.

I will NEVER tell them that in life, you have to stand there and take it. They have to know that if they have to - it's ok to push, or punch, to escape.

I think we do our children a huge disservice by trying to teach them that they should never hit back. There won't always be an adult to run to.

diaimchlo · 08/03/2013 08:30

Speaking as a founder of an anti-bullying campaign when my son was bullied both physically and emotionally whilst at school I can honestly say that violence is not the answer at all. What people need to take into consideration is the actual bully... they more often than not are victims of bullying themselves in their social or family environment and will find someone they think as vulnerable to hurt, that will not hurt them back.

The main issue is getting the schools to actually implement their anti-bullying policies, which I am sad to say there are a great number that don't. Whilst I acknowledge there are many schools that take on bullying head on, on contacting some I was told that bullying never happened at their school. These need to open their eyes and deal with the issues as they are as guilty as the bully.

ScarletLady02 · 08/03/2013 08:34

Difficult one for me. I despise violence, but DD is only 2 so I haven't had to deal with it yet.

I'm similar to a PP (sorry can't remember who). I was hassled daily by two boys at school (I was around 8). They would try and grab my (non-existant) boobs...or look up my skirt...make dirty comments etc...at every given opportunity. I told the teacher and I was the one who had to stay with her at play-time...not them, the could run around freely. One day I kicked one of them square in the bollocks...

Not something I'm particularly proud of but I'd REALLY had enough....they never came near me again after that.

dreamingbohemian · 08/03/2013 09:19

Can I ask -- would any of you do differently if your child was really big and strong?

My DS has been on the 99th % since birth, he's not even 3 and wearing 5 year old clothes. DH is big (played rugby) and I'm a bit tall so I assume DS will be a big lad going forward.

My worst fear is that he'll be a bully. I'd like to send him down the 'gentle giant' path, I'm very quick to stop him now if he hits or pushes (luckily doesn't happen often). But I don't want him to be so gentle that he can be bullied by older kids.

What do you reckon? I was thinking martial arts actually, when he's a bit older, it's good to see some people think it's helpful.

hamdangle · 08/03/2013 09:41

I would never tell my child to 'hit back and hit harder'. It's not even the fact that they would then be in the wrong too or that violence doesn't solve anything, it's the fact that its just shit advice.

You are making an assumption that they can hit back harder and one punch will solve the problem. It is also not advice that they can usefully take into adulthood, is it? I say push them hard and run like fuck! Cowards live longer! There is no point trying to 'hit harder' if they are in a bar and someone grabs a bottle.

I obviously don't mean that if you are getting a good kicking you should just take it with a smile but there is a bit difference between that scenario and telling a child that if someone hits you give them a punch back. Would you do that as an adult?

bangwhizz · 08/03/2013 09:45

I am the opposite way round to ost parents here.When they are little I would be encouraging them to hit back to bully proof themselves.As they get older 9 and 10+ I would not be wanting them to get into serious fights.

bangwhizz · 08/03/2013 09:45

Most teachers I know tell their own kids to hit back

IllGetOverIt · 08/03/2013 09:47

Dreaming bohemian- ice found the big lads tend to be either gentle giants or the joker with plenty of friends.

The only dc I knew to be vile was small and skinny.

gypsymummy · 08/03/2013 09:50

I believe it is all about assessing the particular situation in terms fo degree of bullying, school's response, parents' response, etc. If your child is being harassed and bullied on his way to or from school for instance how can the school help? but then countering violnce with violnce in this case may be detrimental to the child himself.
I don't think there is a golden rule on this. For some bullies hitting back is the right solution to set them staright and teach them a lesson( shocking as this may seem ) , for others it only exacrebates their need to hurt others who are vulnerable or unable to fight back and yet there are others who are calling out for help themslves by seeking attention in this twisted manner. We live in a world where you dream of an ideal life for your child, where you hope that the values and principles you believe in are generally practised, but the fact of the matter is that you don't live in a bubble and hence you sometimes find the need to master some survival skills yourself or risk being on the receiving end of others who do not share your own values.

dreamingbohemian · 08/03/2013 09:58

IllGet -- thanks, that's reassuring!

My DH is definitely gentle, he was never bullied either because he was so big, so I'm hoping history will repeat itself.

Andro · 08/03/2013 10:12

dreamingbohemian - martial arts would probably be helpful with teaching him how to manage his strength. DH is big and very, very strong. He went through periods of time growing up where he hurt people unintentionally because he didn't know his own strength (especially after growths spurts), karate helped him immensely - it wasn't the perfect remedy but he did a lot less damage than he otherwise would have.

MountainOrMolehill · 08/03/2013 10:17

Think martial arts might be something to cosier for our dc. Builds confidence and helps them understand strength etc

jellybeans · 08/03/2013 10:17

I didn't at first but after extreme bullying told them to defend themselves/hit back etc and they haven't been bullied since. Telling a teacher only works if the school take bullying seriously. If they won't deal with it then my DC will defend themselves. Just because someone is young doesn't mean they should tolerate assault.

jellybeans · 08/03/2013 10:18

I def agree with martial arts. Just using the blocks has helped my DC when they have been attacked by the 'violent' boy in their class.

dreamingbohemian · 08/03/2013 10:23

Thanks for that Andro I do also worry about DS hurting kids unintentionally. Last year he went through a hugging phase was being very affectionate, just wanting to hug the other kids, but he often ended up terrifying them because he was just so much bigger.

jellybeans · 08/03/2013 10:23

Many schools have a ridiculous 'no blame' policy where they do not even tell the bully off or 'blame them' for assaulting others!

CrapBag · 08/03/2013 10:28

When DS started martial arts, the letter said that children who do them tend to get picked on less because of the way they carry theirselves. I also like the fact that he can block (probably won't occur to him yet but at least its there for when he is older).

My uncle is pretty meek and mild and wouldn't say boo to a goose. When he was older he was enrolled in a martial art and he got to a brown belt. One day when he was late teens/early twenties, he was walking along a road when 3 blokes tried their luck. Luckily being a brown belt he was able to defend himself and the scarpered. God knows what would have happened otherwise!

willesden · 08/03/2013 10:31

I have taught my children to hit back so they have never been bulllied. They are nice children who don't want to hit anyone but they bloody well will if they have to defend themselves. Perhaps living in London changes things Hmm

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