Do you tell your child to hit back?

[Snowwhite22]

The same boy in my ds year 1 class has scratched my sons face twice this week. I will speak to his teacher in the morning.
When I asked him what happened my ds said he hit the boy back today and ds got told off by the teacher. I said don't hit back, always tell the teacher or you will end up in trouble but my Dh said he must hit back or he will be bullied.
Who is right?
What do you tell your dc? Hit back or tell adult?

I tell my DS to push back. I was getting sick of him being physically attacked when he was in reception class last year and him being told to "stay away" from the attacker by useless dinner women. So yeah, I say to DS "If anyone attacks you, you push them over onto their arse" Well, without saying arse

I don't want to raise a thug but I don't want to raise a target, either. Tough one, isn't it?

We say don't hit first but it's fine to hit back to defend yourself. I was brought up never to hit and I was walked over and bullied at school. When ds encountered bullying he hit back and it stopped immediately.

I tellt hem to tell a teacher but if it carries on to hit back
I don't particularly like them hitting back though but sometimes the teachers just ignore it (I have found) my middle one was bullied consistently for years by the same boy and never hit back, school wouldn't deal with it etc. one day my son hit back and pinned the boy to the ground. He never did it again

My DH's advice to DS was/is:

NEVER hit first.
If someone hits you, tell a teacher.
If it happens again, tell a teacher. And tell me. You may warn the teacher that, if it doesn't stop, you have my permission to hit back.
If it happens a third time, you may hit back, as hard as possible. I will come in to the school and support you if the teachers give you any grief.

Luckily (so far) it's never got that far.

The thing is, hitting back at physical bullies usually does work. Even if you don't win the fight, you'll be less fun to pick on if the bully thinks he's going to have to defend himself each time.

dreamingbohemian - with the best will in the world, it will probably happen - what ever you do. The really important bit is making sure as early as possible thathe knows how to deal with the situation when it happens.

...that violence is not the answer at all.

In an ideal world I totally agree with you. Until I live in an ideal world though I have to accept that in reality violence is actually a suitable answer in certain situations.

If someone attacks my child and he/she is being physically pummelled are you telling me that my violence (aka self defence) is not the answer?

If a man is on the verge of shooting someone that the police should not shoot back because it's the application of violence?

Please.

We live in London too. I know dh worries more than me about the kids being bullied. I think their current primary school deals really well with any problems and is proactive in trying to prevent issues, the classes are helped to really bond so even if you dont like someone and are not their frien you are expected to act 'friendly.'

At the moment both of mine are still in the infants. I don't allow them to hit back. I have taught them to very loudly 'defend' themselves with words to draw attention to the situation. They also keep an eye out for each other in the playground, if one of them was struggling they can always find the other and play with them. I am strict on family sticking together. If one of them was upset crying I would expect the other to tell a teacher.

I have also given dd choice retorts, they was some (really small scale but she disliked it) teasing about the spelling of her surname. I told her to turn around and say "Well you dont know your phonics if you think it should be spelt like that"

As they get older I will allow them to defend themselves. I send ds to martial arts classes that specifically teach how to prevent getting into a tricky situation (dont allow yourself to be cornered etc) and how to remove yourself from the situation if someone does get a hold of you. He is 4 and in reception, so it is a sad situation to think ahead to but I want him to have the skills when he is older.

Ime London schools are far better at dealing with bullying that so called 'nice' schools in the country.

You're probably right, Andro -- thanks, I guess it is more helpful to focus on how to respond rather than worrying about if it happens.

I don't feel very confident in this area as DH and I were both really lucky to go to schools where there wasn't physical bullying (kids could still be nasty obviously but it almost never got physical).

I'm very 'street smart' from living in dodgy areas but I don't really get the psychology of bullying. It's been really interesting reading this thread and seeing people's experiences.

We told DS in KS1 to always tell a teacher and not hit back. Big mistake. School was crap at dealing with incidents preferring an ostrich approach. Escalated to bullying. Now we tell DS never hit first, school will say you shouldn't have hit back but we will understand and support you.

always tell them to hit back, and if they think they are going to be hit then hit first and hit hard.

Hmm.

DH was bullied at school apparently (I think when he was about 10). He told his parents a couple of times, school didn't seem to be doing much so his dad told him to hit back.

So he did.

Bully looked surprised, laughed it off and went off. Result?

Yes, of a sort. Next lunchtime DH was corned by bully with assorted henchman and carefully battered - punches, kicks etc. So please do think on, simplistic answers are not always helpful.

Incidentally our DC are not told to hit back but to make a big noise and thus attract attention. DS is a gentle giant type and I would worry about telling him to hit back, as there could be the danger that he would really lamp another child, hurting them and getting himself into shedloads of trouble in the process.

I used to tell them to tell an adult but after meeting upon meeting about "one of the quietest girls in the school" constantly pushing, kicking, slapping and humiliating my eldest I lost my temper at her latest bruises and snapped "For Gods Sake, dd1 just slap the silly little cow" , not one of my finer moments but I had had enough. As it happened dd1 did not dare retaliate, dd2 decided she would watch at playtime and if she saw anyone hitting or kicking her big sister she would "Stamp on their feet and punch their shoulders and pull their hair"

The bully cornered dd1 and started pulling her hair and pushing her into the wall. Dd2 saw and apparently ran over and shouted "Don't you ever never ever hit my sister again" And then stamped on the bullies toes and pulled her hair. The bully retaliated, so dd2 bit her It was not the best way of dealing with things but I had tried the school and the parents. This girl still calls dd1 but hasn't laid a finger on her since dd2 attacked her.

Dd2 is a viscous little madam when she needs to be but has it drummed into her never to hit first and never to make another person feel sad with words.

Keep reading "hard shove" and thinking of cracked head on playground. Thats all it takes, one wrong push to injure a child badly.

Don't get me wrong, I do say hit back but never first. Just not sure of the right hit? IYSWIM.

In an ideal world, tell the teacher, adult etc but in reality most dinner ladies are largely useless and would rather drink tea, chat and tell kids to 'stop telling tales' rather than actually doing their jobs.

I was taught to hit back, I am not a thug, nor my mum etc Its about not allowing yourself to be a victim.

I worked in a school where the children were quite aggressive generally. I remember one of the little boys was told by his parents to hit back and the head was up in arms about it. Actually, I could see where the parents were coming from. Some of the kids were persistent offenders and nothing was ever resolved or really done to stop them.
What I've found with DC is that he stands and takes the abuse because he doesn't feel empowered to defend himself. Because I have to bloody go up and tell the teacher about incidents that a good swift slap from DC would have resolved years ago. It's a crap situation he's in because one of the teachers kids is the worst offender when it comes to bullying and he bloody gets away with it. My DC has been in trouble a few times for defending himself verbally and by lashing out in an extreme case or 3. The teachers never seem to accept who started an incident and blame both parties. Thus, my child has stopped defending himself for fear of getting into trouble.
I worry that in the real world of senior school there will be a lot of children terrorised by absolute horrors who could have been deflected much sooner by allowing kids to deal with conflict in a way that is typically instinctual at a young age. Schools seem to remove that self-protection instinct from kids who defend themselves and level them with the troubled kids who frequently start the agro. I had to stop working in the school I was in, so appalled was I by some of the kids there who just ran riot. They were only 10.
In theory, I think hitting back is a necessary practice. In reality, it's not the done thing but I hate what it's doing to our kids.

DS has recently been in a situation where another boy has been 'accidentlally' bumping in to him, knocking him into other people, shoving him in the ribs or shoulder and tripping him up. In front of teachers and loudly apologising. This child is actually being bullied by other older children and has turned on Ds who was a friend of his at primary school.
The last time it happened DS shoved him back. Hard. And told him to stop, all in front of a teacher. I got a phone call from his form tutor who explained everything to me and finished with "the school can't condone violence in any way but it looks like this has been brewing for a while so I really can't blame him at all"
The childs mother on the other hand posted all over FB about various incidents, almost got a mob going to hunt down the other children involved and sent me some really nasty messages...
The sad part is that DS really feels sorry for this kid, he's having a shitty time at school and Ds would help him if he would let him..

I have advised my son never to hit first but if he gets hit he can defend himself (i.e. hit back). I also tell him to tell a teacher first but they tend to be a bit useless tbh.

Don't ever hit first but wack back hard if someone hits you

My dcs cousin can be very spiteful towards them and i mean spiteful.It's got to the point where my dp has enough and told them that if he hurts them then they are allowed to hit back.I don't agree with this though as he is big built and i know my kids would come of worse.So you really do have to be careful what you tell your kids

Yes you are, violence is never the answer pacifism should be encouraged from as early age as possible .
P.s Hitler hit back

I followed the rules, always told the teacher, got bullied all my school life. Wish my mum had told me to hit the buggers back

Teachers generally don't care and won't do anything even remotely effective about the situation. My parents gave me the "don't hit back, tell a teacher" lecture when I was young - the teachers never did anything, and the bullies just carried on. I'm not making the same mistake with my children.

1. Don't hit first.
2. If you get hit, tell a teacher.
3. If it happens again after that, hit em back hard.

My DCs are at a primary considered by many as 'rough' - we've never had any incidents of bullying and anything that seems to be starting up is come down on hard so thankfully things have never got that far.