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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
AllYoursBabooshka · 06/03/2013 11:19

The OP posted her morning routine xigris, did you read it?

BaldricksTurnip · 06/03/2013 11:19

Hi OP, would it be possible to avoid the whole lining up in the yard situation entirely? Is the school aware of how distressed your dd is getting when the timing doesn't work? I think if it was me I would speak to the school and try to arrange another way of dropping her off, maybe after all the other children have gone in you could take her through to the classroom and drop her off at the door? My ds started school last Sept and although he is NT he found gathering in the playground with all the other kids and lining up etc quite difficult as it was very chaotic. Then the school changed their drop off system so parents take children directly to their classrooms from 8.30-8.45 and drop them off at the door. It works so much better and he is much happier.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 06/03/2013 11:19

Are your children autistic xigris?

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 11:20

Xigris read the whole thread ffs. If you can see a thread has nearly 200 post it's safe to assume that there is more detail than what you you just read in the OP.

oh and all this competitive "I'm never late, despite having only one leg, no husband, 10 children all of whom have autism" is really dull" congratulations, pat on the back for you.

Ra88 · 06/03/2013 11:20

YABU ! Get to school on time !

cory · 06/03/2013 11:20

xigris, would it be too much trouble to actually read the thread before piling in? The OP has explained why it is difficult for her to predict how long it will take to walk to school and why it is dangerous for them to arrive before the (unusually late) opening of the school gates- both are to do with her dd's autism.

BeerTricksPotter · 06/03/2013 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bakingtins · 06/03/2013 11:21

YABVU. It's your responsiblity to get there on time, if being late stresses your daughter out, plan to get there early and she can be first in the queue.

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Lancelottie · 06/03/2013 11:22

I'm going to start a spreadsheet of NonThreadReading posters...

cory · 06/03/2013 11:23

The more I think about this the more I think you should ask the school for a new morning routine whereby you take your dd in through the school office every morning, OP. Giving such a very short slot of time and an unsafe place for her to wait in if you are early is just setting the two of you up to fail. When dd was at primary she was taken in through reception every morning, made life much easier.

LoopDeLoops · 06/03/2013 11:23

The school only opening its gates just before lining up time is bonkers.

If I were you OP, I'd write to the governors and ask them to review this policy. I imagine it would benefit most pupils to be bale to arrive safely with a few minutes to acclimatise.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 06/03/2013 11:23

I despair at these replies, I really do. What is the mumsnet policy on banging posters' heads together?

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 11:23

Shortly followed by bakingtins, sigh....

cory · 06/03/2013 11:25

BeerTricksPotter Wed 06-Mar-13 11:21:37
"I'm also a bit concerned by the fact that the teachers have remarked upon the fact that your DD is the 'only one with autism' in the school."

Sounds suspiciously like dd's primary school. When parents got together we soon realised that they were feeding that line of "we've never had to deal with disability before" to all parents of disabled children; what they meant was "we don't see why we should have to think about this".

Lancelottie · 06/03/2013 11:27

Yup, Cory, it's a bad sign.

We had 'he's the worst case we've ever had to deal with' thrown at us about lovely, bright, kind-hearted, talented, panicky DS.

xigris · 06/03/2013 11:27

Sorry!! OP! My bloody phone only loaded the first page of comments - it helpfully left out all the other pages including your routine. Blush.
It sounds very hard for you. Sorry to have sounded so stroppy, lateness is a bugbear of mine but obviously in this instance it's slightly different. Best of luck! Thanks

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 06/03/2013 11:27

What support have you got in place OP? It sounds like you are very low at the moment (and the bashing you have had on here won't be helping). Having worked with children with autism and having a son with Asperger's myself I would agree with what Greensleeves says. Have you tried a social story for helping your DD understand what will happen at those times she is late?

BeerTricksPotter · 06/03/2013 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YeahThatsTheBadger · 06/03/2013 11:30

I think Corys suggestion of taking DD in through reception is a good one.

I hope you can come back to this thread OP and read the helpful suggestions and support. I don't have any advice I'm afraid but there are lots of lovely posters here who are a lot more helpful than me.

JuliaScurr · 06/03/2013 11:30

disability of all kinds (eg my MS, wheelchair user) means loads of things make us late all the bloody time. it's very difficult to plan to be early with an sen dc, she will get anxious if kept hanging around.

nowhere near enough flexibility from the school - another case of inclusion without training or facilities

TaggieCampbellBlack · 06/03/2013 11:30

I retract my daft bint comment.
Xigris is not a daft bint.

HelpOneAnother · 06/03/2013 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 11:34

YABU.

But the frothing delight in telling you so and the Tellings Off you are receiving on this thread are shameful and say an awful lot about those posting them.

I have two children with ASD and totally understand the pressure of the morning routine. My dd is totally demand avoidant and even asking her to brush her teeth can lead to her physically attacking me and melting down into utter distress. So I DO get where you are coming from. Sometimes after all you've been through THAT morning alone I can imagine the sight of him moving off as you arrive could be the thing that pushes you over the edge.

So I totally get you Smile.

HelpOneAnother · 06/03/2013 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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