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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
TaggieCampbellBlack · 06/03/2013 11:03

See?

Get up earlier x 100. OP 'Thats not the problem'. Another 149 'get up earliers.'..... Repeat until 1000 posts.

Lancelottie · 06/03/2013 11:03

As I read it, she's late when she's upset, so the upset is already there before the lateness.

DS still does a splendid line in making himself late even when things started out on track (he's 16 with ASD) and the more we chivvy, the more harassed and slower he gets. If I get it wrong, we have a full-on meltdown to deal with instead of a few minutes' delay. Sympathies!

OP, is she little enough to be portable still? In other words, can you just carry her to the gates, or have you other children to complicate the mix?

nannyof3 · 06/03/2013 11:03

I have 4 to get ready, youngest being 9 months.. Were never late

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 11:03

Hi Whenisbedtime, sorry you are having a difficult time. I have a son with ASD and sometimes it's a fine art trying to avoid tiny things in the morning that may set him off.

I think you should repost in special needs children section where lots of people will be able to help you with strategies to solve this problem because ultimately the teacher waiting on your daughter doesn't actually solve anything or help your daughter in the long run. It's just at this moment in time it seems like the easiest and most obvious solution.

Hope you can get some support to make things easier for you to manage the mornings and avoid being late. It is very very hard but ultimately no you shouldn't expect the teacher to hold off going inside.

Have Brew and a Biscuit take a deep breath repost in the special needs section and I know people will do what they can to help.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 06/03/2013 11:03

MamaOgg that was nasty, disgusting and uncalled for.

Have you read the OPs situation.

cory · 06/03/2013 11:03

another one who can't be arsed to read the thread: nannyof3, the OP gets up at 5.30; the problems are not caused by her lounging in bed but by her autistic dd's unpredictable behaviour

mrsstewpot · 06/03/2013 11:03

Really like dixiechick's idea of breakfast in the playground - that could work well with many families. Do you think you could gradually introduce doing this as part of your routine?

Also someone else stated the importance of arriving early to run around and let off some steam first - this is very beneficial to all children.

TaggieCampbellBlack · 06/03/2013 11:04

LtEve - that wadn't for you. What you just said is the nicest thing I've read on AIBU in ages.

AllYoursBabooshka · 06/03/2013 11:04

Exactly Taggie.

How hard is it to give the thread a quick scan before posting or at least the OPS responses?

Some posters seem believe their opinion is so important that they need zero information to give it.

sis · 06/03/2013 11:04

Glad to see some more understanding posts but still a worrying number of posters seem intent on responding harshly to an already fragile OP.

WilsonFrickett · 06/03/2013 11:05

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cory · 06/03/2013 11:06

I so recognise this one:

"DS still does a splendid line in making himself late even when things started out on track (he's 16 with ASD) and the more we chivvy, the more harassed and slower he gets. If I get it wrong, we have a full-on meltdown to deal with instead of a few minutes' delay. Sympathies!"

That constant fear of getting things wrong, because it will throw them for hours, even for days.

stormforce10 · 06/03/2013 11:07

I am sorry OP I think I was a bit unpleasant in my responses.

It must be hard to get this right if the school gates open so late and you're concerned about her running into traffic. We are lucky as dd's open at 8.20am and the playground is supervised from then until 8.45 when the bell goes. I'd love to be a 2 minute walk from school but ours is a 20-30 minute bus ride away depending on traffic.

I think you must be exhausted. Do you mind me asking why you are getting up so early. Is it to do things you could do the night before? Do you work at the moment? If not could you delay some of the things you're getting up so early to do until you've dropped dd at school.

I agree having breakfast in pyjamas is a good idea. that's what we do and we've ahd plenty of breakfast covered nightwear but the uniforms stay clean.

Will your dd eat porridge? If so its worth getting a slow cooker and setting it going the night before then its ready to eat as soon as she gets up.

Will a reward system linked to pocket money help? For example every day she's good and at school by 8.50 she earns 20p.

It has to be sorted out and it sounds as if you will have to keep experimenting until you hit on teh right strategies. Good luck

sweetkitty · 06/03/2013 11:08

I think you should definitely talk to the school again, at our school there's a few children with ASNs, a few of them are taken directly into the office in the morning and collected there early as the playground yard and the lining up is too stressful for them. Is there something like that you could do?

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 11:08

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stormforce10 · 06/03/2013 11:11

I've reported Mamaogg's post. Uncalled for personal attack on someone who is already upset.

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 11:12

I don't really understand the line up and wait at the beginning of the day thing tbh, most schools I know open the doors and children just go in as they arrive.

bleedingheart · 06/03/2013 11:13

So the school gives you a couple of minutes from opening the gate until going in time? That seems likely to set many children up to 'fail.'
Would it upset your daughter to be taken out of the entire routine? Because might it be better for her to meet a TA in the main reception before school starts and be settled in the classroom before the others troop in?
I know she might not want to be singled out but this is less noticable than older children mocking her while she loses it in the playground.
I can see why people are saying the teacher shouldn't wait but if I was the teacher I would as this is surely more disruptive for everyone, not just your DD.
I really think you should have some more support or help. If the gate was open earlier that would help as you could leave early and play in the yard until going in time rather than battle with the road.

I feel for you so much, you have had such a battering here and some people haven't read your posts.

amillionyears · 06/03/2013 11:14

I would also like to say that even if an opening post is missing some details, there are normally enough clues in some of them to suggest taking more care about what is posted.

There certainly were in this one.

bleedingheart · 06/03/2013 11:14

X-posted with sweetkitty

HeySoulSister · 06/03/2013 11:14

Sympathies op!! You are trying your best here clearly!

TheChaoGoesMu · 06/03/2013 11:15

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xigris · 06/03/2013 11:17

"My daughter then gets really upset"
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but she's your daughter and it's your responsibility to get her to school on time everyday. Yes, lateness does happen and everybody at sometime in their life will be late for something. I used to work 20 miles from where we lived and I was late twice in two years, both times because of major accidents on the motorway. My children have never been late for school so far. You say you're a "few minutes late" and that this happens "once or twice a week". Why? I think this is inexcusable. You need to get up / leave earlier. It's not fair on your daughter and what is it teaching her? It is not the responsibility of her teacher to hold everyone else up because you're consistently late. When my son started school, the head teacher spoke to all of the parents about lateness: he told us that it was our responsibility to see that our children were on time and that it was not fair on our children if we were regularly late for school. I completely agree with him. I see the same people day in day out arriving late for school, running in with their stressed out, upset looking children. It must be a horrid way for them to start the day. Everyone's lives are busy these days but for the sake of your daughter you need to try to get get to school on time.

TaggieCampbellBlack · 06/03/2013 11:18

Xigris.

READ THE FLIPPING THREAD YOU DAFT BINT.

coppertop · 06/03/2013 11:18

I sincerely hope the OP re-posts on the SN board.

Comments like "My child has ASD but still gets to school on time" aren't helpful at all.

If parents of a child with ASD don't recognise that not all children on the spectrum are the same, then what hope is there for everyone else??