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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
TheChaoGoesMu · 06/03/2013 10:41

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YouTheCat · 06/03/2013 10:41

I do sympathise about the picking stuff up. Ds does this still (he's 18) and he does it as a sign of anxiety. So the more he's picking twigs and fluff the more anxious he gets and the more chance there is for a full on meltdown.

Do speak to the school about strategies. Would they let her go in via the main entrance so she has a calmer start to her day?

MTSgroupie · 06/03/2013 10:42

OP - You are asking what is the big deal if the teacher waits one minute more. Well, if one minute is no big deal then why can't you be one minute early?

Apologies if you are late for a 'real' reason.

Still18atheart · 06/03/2013 10:42

OP I cansee where your coming from and I think it is a bit rude of her teacher not to wait if she can see she's running towards her.

However, I don't see why you can't just get to school earlier

EmmelineGoulden · 06/03/2013 10:44

If her autism is causing you to be late you need to talk with the school about a plan for her when you can't get to school in time. YABU to expect the solution to be that the whole school waits for her. YANBU to think the current situation is not suitable.

I find it difficult to imagine how you can always manage to get to school in time to see the lines walkingin but not manage to get to school a few minutes earlier. But I don't have a child with autism and I find my NT children hard enough work, so I figure you deserve support. Can I suggest you post in the special needs forum where you will find more people with actual experience of autism, who will have a better understanding and maybe a few tricks you haven't tried yet? AIBU really isn't the place for a problem that has had you in tears earlier in the day - you won't get what you need here.

And along those lines, you say she's "high functioning" and doesn't "need an assistant or anything" but what you describe sounds really difficult for you, her and her school. Are you sure she (or you) doesn't need more support? This may be a futile suggestion. I don't suppose that sort of help is simply available for the asking, but please don't give up on pursuing avenues for help if you are struggling and she or you are frequently ending up in tears. There are years to go...

AllYoursBabooshka · 06/03/2013 10:44

You sounds like you are doing your best right now WhenIsBedtime and that's all you can do.

I think it's time for a chat with the school and as Wilson says, try posting on the SN Children board. They're amazing over there.

Please don't be upset. My heart goes out to you, I'm not surprised you're frazzled.

lucysnowe · 06/03/2013 10:45

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sis · 06/03/2013 10:46

I too have a child with high functioning autism and because he coped relatively well with most things, I was worried about using up valuable resources for him and thought that the school special needs team really should be for those with 'higher' needs. The truth is, my son had special needs and once I got the support I needed to speak up for him to the school senco and his class teacher, things really improved. If your daughter is this upset at the start of the school day, I expect, the teacher will agree that it takes her longer to settle down to lessons on days when she is unable to join the class as it goes into the building and so it would make the teachers job easier, if you could agree a way around the issue.

Can I suggest that you ask for a meeting with the senco and class teacher and see if there is a way of sorting out any issues for your daughter? make a list of things that she may struggle with including, being able to join in if her class has already gone into the school in the morning. perhaps she could have a system where, if this happens, she would always go in with the teacher of a particular class that is not to far from her own classroom, or you be allowed to take her to the school office.

Also, as Mrsmushroom suggested, you may want to go to the special needs section of the mumsnet talk board where you are likely to get responses that show a greater understanding of your daughter's needs.

Finally, it may be worth asking the local authority if there is an outreach team for children on the autistic spectrum in your area. If there is an outreach team, please speak to them - they have proved to be a life saver for my son time and time again.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 06/03/2013 10:47

WhenIsBedtime I'm sorry you've been piled on a bit here, I understand as my DS has various SEN and I have the same problem as you getting him to school on time in the morning and you're absolutely right - it makes absolutely no difference what time you get up in the morning, or even what time you leave the house, you just don't know, that day, what little thing it's going to be that will cause a problem. Yesterday for us it was a car parked on the pavement that caused a meltdown - I really do feel your pain! Thanks and Brew for you, because the 'lazy' abuse up there was completely and utterly uncalled for Sad

CinnabarRed · 06/03/2013 10:47

I'm sorry you're upset OP. I don't have a child with ASD, so have absolutely no idea what your mornings are like.

May I make a couple of observations? Tell me if I'm talking shite...

  1. Assuming you get your DD up at 7, that still leaves you more than 90 minutes to get her breakfasted, dressed and ready for school. That sounds like quite a lot of time to me. Might it be too much time, in that it allows her time to faff? I was just wondering whether she might actually thrive on a regimented, never deviated from, time limited routine?
  1. Taggie's suggestion above (wait and take her in yourself when you're late) sounds very sensible. Much more so than having her distress managed by another teacher.
  1. Is there anything you can do to make the mornings easier? Jobs that could be done the night before, like packing her book bag and lunch box.
  1. Try to manage some of the pinch points you've identified. Give her breakfast in her PJs so that if she does tip cereal down her front then it doesn't mess up her uniform (we have oversize T-shirts that my boys wear for breakfast for that very reason - they chose them themselves, so to them they're really cool, but actually they're just glorified bibs Smile). If that wouldn't work, how about toast instead of cereal for less wet mess? It's not really an issue if she goes to school with a smear of butter down her front, but I can see she can't go in soaked in milk. You mentioned that she draws on herself - would she accept pencils rather than pens for drawing, if you got her a lovely new box with her favourite character on?
  1. Why do you need to get up at 5:30? You must be exhausted. If she's up at 7, then could you get up at 6? I find that extra 30 mins make a massive difference.

I really hope some of these suggestions help, but if they're all utter hogwash then please do ignore me.

All the best.

cory · 06/03/2013 10:47

I would second the idea of talking to the school about a plan for your dd going into school.

My dd is no better mentally in secondary school (has made a couple of suicide attempts around the getting up to school stress issue), but the difference is that communication is excellent so school and we will always have a Plan B in place for when things start going pear-shaped. For dd it makes the whole difference that there is a way to get back on track after a dodgy start.

amillionyears · 06/03/2013 10:48

[hugs]
Do not worry. You didnt realise this is so not the place to have posted your thread.

And to other posters who are reading and shuddering, please please do not post in AIBU, well for almost anything really.

This op said right from her first line that her child has high functioning autism.
The majority of posters on MN do not have autistic children.
So ideally, there is no way this thread should have gone the way it did.

MamaOgg · 06/03/2013 10:50

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Catchingmockingbirds · 06/03/2013 10:51

You can't expect the teacher to wait OP, it would keep all the other classes waiting too. My young son is high functioning ASD too, mornings are tough but it makes it even more important to not be late as DS gets so distressed. You're late up to twice a week and it's causing a lot of distress for your daughter, so you need to reevaluate morning routines to make sure you get there on time.

There are a lot of things you could do to prevent late morning dramas to ensure mornings go more smoothly for her.

Spilling cereal over herself - have her put her uniform on after breakfast and teeth brushed. This is what we do here as DS has motor function/coordination issues so spills a lot, uniform is last to get put on.

Hiding her shoes - when she gets home from school you take her school shoes/uniform and put them somewhere safe where she can't get to them to hide them.

Motorbike drove past and scared her - noise reducing headphones (or headphones playing her favourite music) to wear on the way to school can keep stress levels down, it's only a 2 minute walk as you say so it's a relatively small period of time you need to keep her calm for.

Print off a timetable or buy a PECS now next later board online item.mobileweb.ebay.co.uk/viewitem?itemId=120868472767 with pictures of exactly what she's to do in the morning and keep to that routine. I try to have a safety net of 10 minutes to account for anything going wrong in the morning too. You need to address this so your dd isnt so distressed in the mornings when she's late, nor can you hold up the whole school twice a week either, you have to look at what's happening in the morning and what changes you can make. You have 4 hours between you waking up and the bell going to make sure she's there on time.

dixiechick1975 · 06/03/2013 10:52

Breakfast in the yard not at home.

No law they have to have cereal at home - brioche/fruit/cereal bar etc

No need to get up earlier just leave earlier - be there by 8.30. Then if something happens on the way you have wiggle room.

No changing for spillages either.

AllYoursBabooshka · 06/03/2013 10:52

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drownangels · 06/03/2013 10:53

I know you are annoyed with the teacher but I guess maybe he has waited once or twice in the past but once it became twice a week maybe he got fed up and felt that maybe you were becoming used to him waiting and holding his class up. I would be pissed at that two especially as you live two doors away.

You have been given loads of good strategies here. Give them ago.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 06/03/2013 10:53

MamaOgg that was particularly vile Hmm

BeerTricksPotter · 06/03/2013 10:54

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Floggingmolly · 06/03/2013 10:55

He's trying to give you the message that it's not ok to be late?
You're late two or three times a week (!) when you know your dd is going to be upset Hmm, would you ever bother being on time if they waited for you?

TaggieCampbellBlack · 06/03/2013 10:56

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TaggieCampbellBlack · 06/03/2013 10:58

Like all long threads this is now descending into a 'read the OP then jump in with an answer that is completely irrelevant and insulting'.

NoTimeForS · 06/03/2013 10:59

I agree that the school needs to set something up to let your DD go in first if you can't wait at the main road.
Don't be scared to ask for help!

It would be a relatively small change for them that would make a huge difference to your DD and you.

nannyof3 · 06/03/2013 11:00

Why should the whole skool be late because ur late... Yabu ... Get up earlier

LtEveDallas · 06/03/2013 11:02

Gosh OP, when I asked my question I had crossed posted with you a number of times. I had no idea how hard you must have it - I think I was confused with the 'High Functioning' part of your OP and misunderstood what that means. I honestly thought that you must have it easier than you obviously do.

I am really very sorry. I hope nothing I have said has upset you. Please re-post in SN, far more knowledgable people there that could maybe help.

Take care

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