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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/03/2013 10:18

We're never so late that all the children have already gone inside

Which proves that you simply need to aim to leave 10 mins earlier.

That way you'll be either on time or 10 mins early.

aPseudonymToFoolHim · 06/03/2013 10:18

And if he DID wait, there would be no incentive for you to try to make it to school on time.

I know lateness happens, DS wants a poo as soon as we are ready to leave the house is sometimes rushing to make it on time, but it's not acceptable to have your child getting to school late so frequently.
I used to hate being late for school (I often was), feeling flustered, stressed and embarrassed, not ready to start the day's learning.

BumpingFuglies · 06/03/2013 10:19

Or could you take DD in BEFORE the others go in?

FantasticDay · 06/03/2013 10:19

Sorry. I am one of nature's disorganised people, so I do sympathise (We spent about a year getting notes every week because we forgot to put the dinner money in the bag, sign the letter for the school trip etc....). But ultimately, it is parents' responsibility to get the child to school on time. Set the alarm for half an hour earlier. Have book bags and water bottles by the door ready to go, uniform out the night before, get the earlier bus. Aim to get there 20 minutes early so she can run around with her mates - then if there is an issue, you have time to spare.

angelos02 · 06/03/2013 10:19

Don't you wonder what all other parents are doing differently in that they can get their children to school on time every day yet you can't?

BadabingBadabong · 06/03/2013 10:20

2 minute walk from school?

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 10:20

I'm not being ignorant, but think i need to take a little step back from this at the moment. Getting me quite upset.

I've just spent fiften minutes this morning, in front of alll the other parents, crying my eyes out in the yard because dd refused to go inside with a different teacher. She was screaming at the door for her own teacher to come out and get her. Some older children were laughing and their parents were muttering about us.

I've been up since five this moring. Left the house at 8.45. We're two houses away from the yard gate. Ideally, we should have got there by 8.50 at the latest. Unfortunately we got there at 9.02am because a motorobike had gone past and upset her. She refused to walk.

How could i have predicted that?

Anyway, thanks. No need for any more answers. i realise it's all my own fault. I should have more of a routine than i already have.

OP posts:
TaggieCampbellBlack · 06/03/2013 10:20

I think you need to talk to school. Your lateness is due to her ASD. Believe me, I had 10 years of battling to get DD to school.

It is unreasonable for the whole school to be held up for one child though.

On the days when you are late you need to be able to wait until all the children are in and then walk your daughter in yourself.

Crinkle77 · 06/03/2013 10:20

Sorry but YABU. It is your responsibility to ensure your daughter is at school on time. Ok the odd time here or there is ok but once or twice a week is a lot. The teacher is right that they should not hold everyone else up.

foslady · 06/03/2013 10:21

Set the clock that she works by 10 mins ahead. Remind her how upset she gets if she is late. Breakfast in pj's straight when she gets up then it doesn't matter if it goes down her. Hide her shoes then sit her down and put them on so she can't hide them.

livinginwonderland · 06/03/2013 10:21

surely the spilling food on herself problem is solved by letting her eat breakfast in her pajamas? i even do this now and i'm 24 because i am notoriously clumsy, especially if i'm trying to be neat and tidy!

get up, breakfast, THEN get her changed in her room so she has no way of spilling anything on her uniform, then leave 15 minutes earlier than you need to.

MerryMarigold · 06/03/2013 10:21

I don't think the OP needs to get up any earlier. She manages to get there NEARLY on time. We are talking a maximum of 5 minutes earlier which is just aiming for 5 minutes earlier. OP, as someone said. Aim to leave at 8.30. If that pushes to 8.35, you will still be well on time.

DowntonTrout · 06/03/2013 10:21

Lateness happens. You are not late in that respect, you are lax.

You get up at 5.30. Your DD, at the latest, 7am. And it's breakfast, brush teeth, out the door, whatever, and you live two minutes walk from school.

Aim to leave at 8.30.

goingdownhill · 06/03/2013 10:21

I have two children with ASD and I know that mornings can be a very fraught and stressful time, but it is more important than ever with ASD children for them to be on time. I can't imagine the level of anxiety mine would get too if we were late. It has never happened in all the years of school and nursery runs.

Would DD respond to a visual timetable with every process she needs to go through until walking out of the door and remove the pictures as the tasks are completed. With a small reward for doing it all in good time?

Also with mine TV has to be off as they are impossible to get to do anything with any amount of distraction, though this applies equally to NT DS2.

HazeltheMcWitch · 06/03/2013 10:21

OP, this is pretty unanimous, isn't it? Everyone is thinking that you should get there on time, that it's not ok to expect the teacher to hold up the whole school just because you're late again...

And yet, reading between the lines, it looks like you're asking for a bit more help than AIBU. You're getting up at ridiculous o'clock already. Would it be an idea to maybe repost in Special Needs, and ask the lovely experienced people there for tips on how to manage this issue - as in the current morning situation is regularly making DD late for school - what to do differently?

Hope things turn around for you both soon.

Greensleeves · 06/03/2013 10:22

MrsMushroom I have a child on the spectrum. Which is why I am particularly urging OP to sort this out by starting earlier and prioritising punctuality, because taking a child with ASD in late is setting her up to start school anxious and have a difficult day Sad

momb · 06/03/2013 10:22

Aim to be at school 10-15 minutes before they line up. Your DD can talk to her friends or pace the yard or whatever she wants to do for that 10 minutes but then if you are running 5 mins late she is still on time. If you need to get everyone in your house up 15 minutes earlier to do this to allow a 10 minute meltdown time before you leave the house then so be it, but you need to make these changes for your daughter.

LoopDeLoops · 06/03/2013 10:22

OK, I think I was a bit flippant and hadn't really realised the situation. Sorry. :)

What you need to do is speak with the head and make sure you are allowed to bring her to her class yourself.

Stropzilla · 06/03/2013 10:22

Just a thought, you say she has no need for support but if getting ready is a problem for her maybe she does? Perhaps she's not doing as well as you think?

You've had some good suggestions here, like getting dressed after breakfast and uniform out the night before. If she hides her shoes, be a bit more proactive and hide them first! Make sure you know where everything is. I'm not suggesting you get up earlier yourself, but if your DD needs more time, then earlier to bed and earlier up. It's not down to the school to help you get there on time, or wait. If she doesn't need support, she doesn't need a plan to get to school.

LayMizzRarb · 06/03/2013 10:22

Instead of aiming to leave at 8.40, aim to leave at 8.20. If you have no delays then you have the luxury of dawdling the last 100 yards to school in a relaxed manner, having a lovely chat instead of running the last mile, stressed and frazzled, which will affect your daughter.
Sorry, I have no sympathy, your timekeeping is entirely your responsibility.

TheChaoGoesMu · 06/03/2013 10:22

Can't you get up a bit earlier? I've been a couple of mins late once in the past 2.5 years. I appreciate you may have a few more difficulties, but surely getting up 30 mins earlier will make a more stress free life for you and dd. If you were late very very occasionally, then the teacher could wait for you, but you cant expect him to wait when you are late so often.

Jenny70 · 06/03/2013 10:23

Teacher should not wait. No child likes to be the one coming in the "wrong way". These other late kids might join the line, or come in with another class, but most of them would feel stressed by it too - that's why the school wants everyone there on time.

Imagine the teacher sees your child coming, waits one minute. By this stage little Johnnie is dashing across playground (he was 2 mins late today), then veronica strolls across the yard at her own daydream pace....But maybe you are saying he should wait for YOUR child, not the others that might be straying in slightly late - that hardly seems fair.

Either the teacher tells your child to join the next line (or go to the office and get a late note, if that is going to be the path of least resistance), or you aim to get there 5-10mins early every day and prevent your child being stressed out by the lateness situation.

BeerTricksPotter · 06/03/2013 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaggieCampbellBlack · 06/03/2013 10:24

When DD was small enough I used to carry her in (kicking and screaming) and physically hand her over to a TA in the lobby.

Then weep all the way home. Its shit. It makes you feel like the worst mother in the world.

What does school say? Have they suggested anytjing?

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 06/03/2013 10:24

no, not more of a routine, just everything a bit earlier. don't fret, just change your clocks by ten minutes. if you'd left the house at 8.40 like you said you did upthread, you'd have been three minutes early for school. but i think leaving at 8.30 would give her time to be upset by a motorbike AND to recover from it a bit in the safe environment that is her playground.
are you generally a late person yourself?