I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

[WhenIsBedtime]

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

So, is it possible that instead of aiming to leave at 8:40, you aim to leave by 8:25?
I don't know if you follow a routine with dd, if you do, can you amend it to "coat on, ready to leave by 8:25"

To be honest, reading your OP it doesn't sound as if you have done this, you are just expecting the teacher to wait which may be why some if the responses are a bit harsh.

I guess that isn't the case, and it's not as simple as just "get up earlier and get there on time" but if its not a stupid question, have you tried aiming to leave 10 minutes or 15 minutes earlier?

Do you have a routine, one that she can see and knows what time she has to do x,y and z in order to get to school on time?
Or is that not an approach that would work?

[WhenIsBedtime]

Don't you wonder what all other parents are doing differently in that they can get their children to school on time every day yet you can't?

My child's the only with autism in the whole school, as the staff keeps reminding me.

So perhaps seeing litter on the ground doesn't make them feel like they ought to stop and pick it up each time they see it? Perhaps an airplane overhead doesn't scare them as much as my daughter?

It doesn't matter if i get up at 5 or 5.30. It doesn't matter how stringent my routine is. I can't plan for every little thing that will make my daughter upset/refuse to walk.

[TheChaoGoesMu]

Sorry I didnt notice your second post. Was dd up at 5 too?

[angelos02]

Not having a go OP but genuinely wondering what you need to do to warrant getting up at 5:30am? Thats over 3 hours of just getting ready?

[TheChaoGoesMu]

Ok op, how does a typical morning go once you're both out of bed? Are the majority of the problems inside or outside the house, or both?

[Dawndonna]

I have four children. Three are autistic. I have never been late for school.

[Greensleeves]

But several of us DO have children with ASD and DO have very difficult mornings. DS1 can be dreadful in the morning. Awful.

BUT if you can consistently get there within a minute or two of the required time, you can leave earlier and get there consistently a minute or two earlier. It's really unfair for your dd to start the day anxious and upset because of a couple of minutes.

[BumpingFuglies]

Sorry you are upset OP, I know it can't be easy. Have a cuppa and a calm down, then review what you need to do.

[Stropzilla]

The more I read, the more I wonder if your DD does need more support? You say her issues are mild, but stopping to pick up every bit of rubbish on the floor, refusing to walk because of a motorbike and being scared of planes doesn't sound mild. It sounds very stressful for you, and you must dread mornings.

[BeCool]

I'm just genuinely unsure how to help this situation.

As the parent you are the only one who can sort this out.
Clearly you need to get to school early to accommodate your DD's needs. Instead of aiming to leave home at 8.40, leave home at 8.30. Then your DD will be in line on time every day - problem sorted.

I guess you could ASK the teacher to hold the entire class up to wait for you and your DD twice a week. But be prepared to get the teachers WTF face and a NO!!

[cory]

I have perhaps more sympathy with the OP than most, having had a dd whose SN made getting to school far more unpredictable than with NT children.

There were times when I had to physically drag her, other times when she would get up and get ready beautifully on time and then have a panic attack when I opened the door, other times when she would collapse within sight of the school gates. By the time she got to Yr 6 she was taller than me and dragging her physically carried a serious risk of injury to both of us.

The poster who said "there wouldn't be any discussion" has probably never had to deal with this kind of situation.

And all the time I knew that getting her up earlier in the morning was the one thing that was most likely to throw her and bring on physical and mental collapse. Every day was a constant watching the clock, weighing risks against risks: do we leave early, risking that that will throw her, or do I give her time to wake up slowly, risking being late? Constant, constant and exhausting...

Having said this, I accepted that this was my problem to deal with, not the school's. I did my best and that was the best I could do. The teachers were doing their best with their jobs.

OP, do the best you can. Just have some understanding for the school too. They don't have your problem, but they have a whole host of other decisions that have to slot into each other and are understandably worried about anything that could have knock-on consequences.

[FantasticDay]

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

[LemonBreeland]

YABU. You know that not being in the line is an issue for your DD. You know that things will slow you down on the way to school. You need to find strategies to deal with this. It is not up to the teacher to hold up the rest of school for your DD.

[DonderandBlitzen]

It is you that is causing your dd distress by being late not the teacher. Of course the entire school shouldn't be held up because you are late!!

[Greensleeves]

Lots of us have children with ASD cory. We know what mornings can be like.

[TheChaoGoesMu]

Perhaps the parents who do go through this every morning can give the op some practical tips then, although everyone is different there may be something of use. Go and make yourself a cuppa op, you must be shattered.

[mrsstewpot]

The teacher is not doing it to be mean fgs! Even if he sees her running over he shouldn't have to wait.

As a teacher I can tell you taking in the lines can be murder. How smoothly it goes can pretty much dictate what kind of a day it's going to be. Also the little ones take ages to get in and settled so really it has to be quick and no nonsense.

It is entirely up to you to ensure your DD is not put through the stress of being late.

[WhenIsBedtime]

So, is it possible that instead of aiming to leave at 8:40, you aim to leave by 8:25?

Thanks. The gate doesn't get unlocked til 8.45am though and it's right next to a main road. And i don't trust dd to stand there patiently for a long time while waiting on the gate getting unlocked. We aim to be there for 8.45 exactly.

If i left at 8.25, and things ran smoothly, we could be at the gate by 8.30, Then she'd try and run around on the pavement, or on the road. She wouldn't stand and hold my hand for more than a minute.

I don't know what's riskier. Risking us being late for a few minutes and causing a scene in the yard, or risking being too early and running amock next to a main road.

Sorry, i'm being the annoying person who seems to making more problems for myself. I think i just posted without thinking properly.

of course a whole school shouldn't have to wait on my dd. But i just get so upset when she gets upset. I wish she understood it's okay to join on the back of another class's line.

[LtEveDallas]

Then get dd up anywhere between 6-7 depending how much sleep she has had the night before

Can I just ask, even if your DD doesn't get up until 7, why does it take an hour and 40 minutes for you to get her ready for school?

I'm afraid I don't know much about HFA, so that is probably why I do not understand. What do you do that takes that much time?

I get DD out of bed at 0715. She is washed, dressed, hair done and fed by 0800 and that is allowing for breakfast in front of the TV which I know is a bad idea if you are in a rush.

Is there a lot of dilly-dallying alongside her refusals etc? It must be very stressful for you

[WilsonFrickett]

I think you should repost in SN. There will be lots of help and support there to help you get your mornings under control - we've all been int he same situation.

I have to say though that if she is getting this upset about things perhaps she is not coping as well as school thinks? I won't say more on here as I think I'll be drowned out by the AIBU chorus but please do come along to the SN Children board and repost.

[ScentedNappyHag]

No one is suggesting that you pull an all nighter OP
And a lot of the responses so far have been from parents who also have children with autism, it's not a case of being in the wrong section, the OP is actually being unreasonable.

[Stropzilla]

Cory, it was me who said there wouldn't be any discussion, and I don't think I explained myself very well, sorry about that. I meant that I found trying to reason and explain why we needed to do XYZ didn't work, and that just doing things (even physically drag as a couple of other posters have said) was even remotely the only possibility.

[BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound]

Its an unfortunate situation with your lateness causing dd to be upset but no,the whole school (and maybe parents going to work,dropping little ones to nursery) should not have to wait. Its the knock on effect.

[WhenIsBedtime]

I'll come back and read the replies properly later. Can't handle this right now. Should never have posted without thinking more clearly. I'm a rambling mess, can't even understand my own posts.