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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 16:17

Hey, imagine dealing with these people in RL, often in the form of TEACHERS and EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGISTS? You know? the "experts" that you go to thinking they will the answers for you and 9.9 times out of 10, you end telling THEM the details of HFA because they are completely clueless and have "never come across a child like this". No you won't have chum, because they're ALL different and I am wondering why it's ME telling YOU this Hmm?

There was someone up thread who works in a school, IN A SCHOOL FFS! and she had little understanding. Imagine the gossip that must be going at school, amongst the people that are supposed to be working with you to help your child?

It's beyond isolating, especially if you've one of those Extra Special Autistic Kids that the tried and tested formulas don't work on? My ds was described as a "conundrum" by his Ed Psych. Gee, thanks for that Confused.

Schnarkle · 07/03/2013 16:33

Solution found for the OP. Give up sleep, it's over rated anyway. That way you can be polly perfect like some of the eegits upthread.

MrsDeVere · 07/03/2013 16:35

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TheChaoGoesMu · 07/03/2013 16:40

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Lilka · 07/03/2013 16:45

Hey cumfy midas and the others - I have 14 children under the age of 3, ALL with autism, and no electricity or running water in the house, plus a teenager with several mental health problems who has been evaluated for more dx'es than I have fingers and diagnosed with quite a few of them (ok, this bit is actually true!) AND we have to WALK 20 miles to school and back every day even in lightening storms....

And even with all this on my plate, I have never even once ignored 20 pages of thread, I make the time to read the LOT before posting and I even try and think of constructive and helpful things to say! i even spent 5 minutes (you know, that 5 minutes you think the OP should leave earlier) working out how to highlight OP's posts for ease of reading

So you with your couple of children (at most), well, it should be damn well easy for YOU to highlight OP's posts, make the time to read them all and offer helpful advice. Come on, it aint rocket science, you're just too fucking lazy aren't you?

MrsDeVere · 07/03/2013 16:46

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limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2013 16:50

Good point lilka.

They're just too lazy. Oh, and they have no respect for the rest of us who do take the trouble to read the thread.

TheSeniorWrangler · 07/03/2013 16:51

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almostanotherday · 07/03/2013 16:57

I have two children with SN and their school does make other arrangements for them to get to school, stay in school and complete lessons.

SauvignonBlanche · 07/03/2013 16:59

I read the OP about this time yesterday. I hoisted up my judgey knickers immediately felt a sanctimonious "YABU" then noticed that there was about 10 pages to the thread and realised that there were obviously more to this than the OP.

I thought that if I was hoping to give my opinions I needed to listen first and quickly skimmed through before swooping to post. I'm so glad I did, (and completely changed my opinion) unlike so many other nobbers.

almostanotherday · 07/03/2013 17:00

Posted too soon

I think you should contact the school to see if perhaps a TA could take over the roll of waiting for your DD if you were running late but only for a few more mins than normal, that way your DD also knows she can go in with her teacher or the TA if poss.

rainingcatsandsprogs · 07/03/2013 17:04

Well I have a dc with SN and I've never been late to school more than once a term at most. Also I had a cat when I was younger. Both of these facts are as equally relevant and helpful to the OP's situation as each other.

Might I suggest these simple steps to anyone else whose dc's are never late for school and can't understand why the OP's is;

  1. Collect all dc together - only your own though, collecting other people's is known as kidnapping.
  2. Check if any of your dc are precisely the same in every detectable way known to man as the OP's dc. (This is potentially a very long and difficult process so to save time the answer is they are definitely not)
  3. Allow realization to dawn that the answer to #2 is exactly why yours are on time and the OP's is often late. Slapping oneself heartily about the face is advisable during this step.
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2013 17:06

Rainingcatsanddogs - excellent post. And I am sure there will be plenty of volunteers to help with the slapping part of step 3, for some of the numpties on this thread!

rainingcatsandsprogs · 07/03/2013 17:09

Thanks - yes, should have added that if anyone has trouble with the slapping a request on the SN board will more than do the job Grin

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 07/03/2013 17:17

I have read the entire thread through my fingers. Bloody hell.

WhenIs, I hope that you can get a bit more understanding from the school. It must be incredibly tiring for you and your DD. I have no suggestions, but I wish you luck.

YouTheCat · 07/03/2013 17:45

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akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 17:52

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YouTheCat · 07/03/2013 17:56

Name changed from what?

GetOrf · 07/03/2013 17:59

I know it sounds pollyanna ish but the nice thing is that on this thread there are LOTS of sympathetic people on here with good ideas.

I think the retorts from OP are really impressive. I admire you for not hiding the thread and never coming back. Must be hard to get such a shoeing. I remember crying because someone was horrible to me on a thread about Victoria beckham twat so god knows how hard it must be when its about your child. I wish you all the luck with the school,

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/03/2013 18:00

And Whogivea, I really hope you are no where near my ds who has SN ever. You really shouldn't be working with children who have SN with your attitude

I really wouldn't worry about that. She doesn't work with children with SN. That much is obvious.

YouTheCat · 07/03/2013 18:02

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TheChaoGoesMu · 07/03/2013 18:10

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skratta · 07/03/2013 18:10

Have no ideas as you have tried everything I have with dd3 (she has SN, not autism but leads to similar problems but milder) so I can offer no advice. But I struggled for the years at school (especially as we had to move countries to keep our job which obviously was a nightmare and near impossible and meltdown filled) but I know that every moment which seems so easy to NT child parents are filled with so much effort, exhaustion and work. Getting dd3 past a moving bus, past dog poo or out the door (she just wouldn't go out if there was something like a very loud car, or a cyclist or someone with headphones or anything like that) which seems so simple to most people is sometimes near impossible. Dd3 has much milder problems, but I just wanted to say that you put so, so much effort and evidently are trying so hard to get the school to support you, and to do the best for your dd.

WestieMamma · 07/03/2013 18:14

I'm autistic and so is my daughter. I'm obsessed with time keeping. I was always the first in the playground (took myself to school as mum was never ready). I remember my boss ringing home once when I was 5 minutes late as my bus broke down. She was frantic because she thought me being late meant I was dead in a ditch somewhere.

My daughter (now an adult) is incapable of being on time. Ever. No amount of planning makes the slightest difference. I would be reduced to tears every day trying to get to school on time.

Which all goes to show, when you've met 1 person with autism, you've met 1 person with autism.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 07/03/2013 18:17

This thread has been a real eye opener for me. Firstly, the challenges parents of SN children (and the children themselves) are dealing with on a daily basis, all of which are exacerbated by the sheer ignorance and hostility and holier than thou attitudes of so many total tossers. And secondly, even after having these difficulties spelled out for them in plain English, some of these tossers will persist in clinging stubbornly to their little prejudices, despite the evidence which has been so clearly provided for them. And thirdly, that some of these people would rather anyone who inconvenienced them even a little bit would just go away and be out of sight (it reminded me a little of when some of us were told on the Conception board that us talking about our infertility was making others feel bad and really we should all post about it only on the Infertility threads). And fourthly, that there are really people who genuinely delight in upsetting others, not once but several times. Makes them feel as though they exert some kind of power I suppose.