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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
Catchingmockingbirds · 07/03/2013 14:23

cinnebar no, only one parent knows and that's because I had to tell her as my son was going to her dc birthday party and it was a 'drop the kids off and come back later for them' party so I had to explain some of his triggers to her. There's a thread in mn about parents of NT children not wanting their dc sitting next to children with SN which would explain why I don't want them to know, there's also lots of threads in MNSN from parents upset that their dc get excluded from parties and play dates ever since they disclosed a dx, and lots of ignorance in general which you can see on MN that I want to protect my son from.

CinnabarRed · 07/03/2013 14:38

Surely if you realised the school were making special arrangements for a child you would just assume there was a good reason for that and then, unless it somehow caused problems for your child, leave it at that?

Good point. I hope I would be sensible like that.

And yes, I can absolutely see why parents worry about children being excluded if their diagnoses are more widely known. Sad

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 07/03/2013 14:39

This thread is making me very sad.

Hats off to you parents and children living with autism, and to the schools who are actually accommodating you properly. Minor adjustments can make all the difference in the world.

FWIW OP, I thought you were remarkably restrained and polite actually, considering the amount of fuckwittery you have been bombarded with Thanks.

All the best to you and your daughter.

StuntGirl · 07/03/2013 14:43

Good god. There cannot possibly be this many stupid people on MN. There just can't.

I'm glad you could chat to the head OP. Do you have any RL support? It sounds like you may be battling this school pretty much every step of the way, and that sounds positively draining. Please look after yourself as well Thanks

cumfy · 07/03/2013 14:44

we're never more than a few minutes late.

That's great and therein lies your solution:

Just do everything a few minutes earlier.

Rocket science it is not.

merlincat · 07/03/2013 14:47

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whogiveatoss · 07/03/2013 14:48

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ClayDavis · 07/03/2013 14:49

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Sirzy · 07/03/2013 14:49

Cumfy can I suggest you take some time to at least read the posts by the OP which shows that it isn't that simple by a long way.

Catching although your post didn't shock me it still saddens me that parents feel the best thing for their child is to keep a diagnosis quite because of the negative reactions of adults who should know better.

BoreOfWhabylon · 07/03/2013 14:52

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Sirzy · 07/03/2013 14:54

Sometimes children with special needs need 'special treatment' in order to be able to get close to achieving equality. Equality doesn't happen by treating everyone the same because everyone isn't the same.

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 14:57

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ClayDavis · 07/03/2013 14:59

I may have lowered the tone of the thread somewhat there. I'm not as gracious as the OP, sorry.

Could you elaborate on what little gang I'm supposed to be part of though because I'm not quite sure.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/03/2013 14:59

there are usually very very valid reasons to shout CUNT tbh

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 15:01

In all seriousness the OP Has been exceptionally restrained in her posts, far more gracious than I am capable of being.

cumfy · 07/03/2013 15:03

Sirzy, yes, it really is that simple.

Sirzy · 07/03/2013 15:05

Cumfy how much experience do you have with children with HFA?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/03/2013 15:06

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Callthemidlife · 07/03/2013 15:13

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whogiveatoss · 07/03/2013 15:13

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cumfy · 07/03/2013 15:14

I'm sorry it's just simple maths and logic; set clocks 10 minutes forward if necessary.

Tantrums, I'm wondering where all the people on this thread reside; including yourself.Wink

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2013 15:16

Cumfym- the OP already gets up at 5.30am. And she can't get to to school any earlier, because the gates are locked.

Sirzy · 07/03/2013 15:19

I wonder if some people have been reading a different thread to me? they must have to have missed a) the battles the OP goes through which lead to her daughter occasionally being a few minutes late and b) the lengths she is going to try to find a solution which works for THEM. Simply saying "well if x can do it so can you" doesn't work because thats assuming the condition, and the challenges are the same for everyone.

Thankfully posters like Callthemidwife are given the OP sensible, non judgemental advice which will hopefully help her find things which help her family.

Callthemidlife · 07/03/2013 15:20

cumfy. You can get a HFA child ready for school 2 hours early, and they will still meltdown at dealing with the actual process of transition. Is that concept really so difficult to get your head round?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/03/2013 15:20

In which particular way did the OP not get her act together?

Actually, no, don't answer that. Because the vileness you are typing shouldn't be engaged with.

Entitled? Ok then.

The OP is asking the school to wait 30 seconds when the teacher can clearly see her dd coming across the playground

I very much doubt you have a career working with special needs children as you seem to be lacking the empathy of a human being, let alone a carer.

But, no. Do carry on. Is there a prize for making the OP feel as bad as possible?

She doesn't get up early enough, doesn't do things right, doesn't know what thing outside may cause her dd distress one day and not the next, doesn't speak to the teacher soon enough.

It's quite baffling, you seem to suggest she should have sorted this out with the teacher a long time ago and then post vitriol about how she shouldn't be expecting the teacher to actually do anything to help.

Disgusting. Vile. Fucking nasty.