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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 07/03/2013 13:27

Nulubeadsgirl

That's all right. Some people just don't understand complicated situations. Don't feel bad. Have a look at tv addicts. There might be things you can get your head around there.

nalubeadsgirl · 07/03/2013 13:27

Of course SN can cause problems. But she's late by barely 5 mins? It's not as if she's hugely late all the time. Really. It said on her routine thing she leaves the house at 8.40am and arrives at 8.45am (I think)

So, it's a five minute walk away?

And she struggles to get her daughter there on time? Confused

Obviously, as you all say, this thread is clearly more than the original question. She asked AIBU. I think yes.

If she was struggling to get her there and was late by 15/20 mins then obviously the SN is causing a problem...but less than 5 mins??! REALLY? How is the SN relevant here? Surely mum just needs to leave the house earlier? By 5 mins???!

BeerTricksPotter · 07/03/2013 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 07/03/2013 13:27

Nalubeadsgirl

You just made an complete fool of yourself Grin sometimes it IS worth reading the thread you know

Op I am glad to hear you achieved something at the meeting. Hope it will help.

FWIW I think you have dealt with the judgypants on this thread impeccably well, I wouldn't have been able to mantain that level of dignity and calm.
All the best for you and your dd.

xx

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Pagwatch · 07/03/2013 13:29

Lafaminute

Not a crime at all. But if you don't read the thread you might sound like a cunt.
It's a risk /reward thing really.

limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2013 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Lancelottie · 07/03/2013 13:30

lafaminute.
Yes. Yes it is.

Especially if you are going to be shirty, sanctimonious or smugly dismissive.

Right, i shall now read the thread to see whether you were in fact being any of those things.

limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2013 13:31

Oh no. That was a personal attack.

What I meant was posting like that is what a big poo head might do. Ner.

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 13:31

Read the whole thread and you will see how it is relevant nalubeadsgirl. Honestly sweet cheeks your making yourself look a bit of a numpty.

CinnabarRed · 07/03/2013 13:31

WIB, please don't apologise for posting here.

I'm so grateful to you for posting. Because you've opened my eyes to the challenges that children with SN face very day (and their parents). I don't go on the SN board because it would feel like prying - and that means that I need occasional reminders to keep my mind open.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 07/03/2013 13:33

Lafaminute

It's not an offence but it does make look stupid

Hth

nalubeadsgirl · 07/03/2013 13:33

Can't read the entire thread with a newborn to deal with

Have to swoop in and out Grin

Seriously. Question was asked. Answer was given.

I don't actually watch TV! It's not that I don't understand things. I said myself, I didn't read the whole thing. Haven't got time. Sorry. Why doesn't MN have some kind of a code thing they can colour the original post with (or similar) to show that it's taken a completely different turn?!

OP. Take the useful advice from people who have had the time to trawl through 30 odd pages. Sorry if my answer offended. You asked. I answered.

Swooping out again now, things to do. :) Hope you find some answers and some help off people who do have time to advise.

HelpOneAnother · 07/03/2013 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 13:35

You can go into the customise bit and make it so the OP's post are all highlighted nalubeadsgirl.

(Not sure that having a newborn is relevant Wink )

WilsonFrickett · 07/03/2013 13:35

you saying your child has SEN. Sorry. But you are STILL being unreasonable. You don't have SEN. Therefore, don't see why it's relevant?

That is one of the stupidest, stupidest, stupidest things I have ever read on the internet. And I've read a lot of stupid things.

It is relevant because this child's SEN make planning and organising difficult. It is relevant because this child's SEN mean she has hard to manage reactions to sensory stimulii. It is relevant because a pervasive brain disorder is fucking relevant.

OP while I think you can post anywhere you like, I would like to see you on SN. We can teach you so many handy-HT-repelling phrases like 'perhaps you would tell any other parents it's not a breakfast club, but a reasonable adjustment under the Disability Discrimination Act?' Grin

AudrinaAdare · 07/03/2013 13:37

Getting somewhere on time is much more difficult if you also cannot get there before time and wait, as is the case with OPs child and my DS.

He is picked up from the door by the school bus and even then being ready early is tricky because he isn't able / inclined to sit and chat so he needs to do something. And if he starts to do anything he will go into meltdown if we try to stop him before it is finished, whether that is a computer game, puzzle, book etc

mumat39 · 07/03/2013 13:37

Hey OP, I'm glad ou managed to speak to the HT, even though she seems more concerned by what the other parents might think, rather than thinking we need to do something to help this little girl.

My Dd has sever multiple allergies, and I know it's nothing like your situation, but I have come across and still come across the most selfish attitudes and am always astounded by how put out people are by this. It's infuriating and was when she was at nursery where there was a lot of eye rolling hat went on among the teachers. They said they were inclusive but would often suggest I keep DD at home because they were playing with something at her school on that day. I also got the distinct Feeling that the nurseries I approached before the one we settled on were not at all interested in my Dd going there. I really do feel for you and all the other parents of any child who has extra needs, as it seems the majority of people won't even try to understand. It's no wonder that society is in such a mess as we have lost our combined ability to empathise with our neighbours.

If you can, please talk to your LEA. They will have a support team wh can el you with this. At the moment you are a parent begging the school for help. If you can get the LEA team behind you, then they can take the lead so as to take the pressure off you. Also they are experienced at dealing with teachers. Teachers are trained to deal with parents. Parents on the other hand get no training in how to deal with the school. In is day and age, there is no excuse for the school to be so ridiculous about not doing more for your DD. the LEA will also have a budget for helping the school to help children with SN. I think you need to take this up the ranks and see if the LEA can help you get something more positive from the school. tHey would be your backup/support system. It's not fair for it o be you and your DD vs the school/other parents etc.

Apologies if this sounds preachy. You really do sound lovely and so does your DD. never ever let anyone either on here or at the school make you feel otherwise.

Take care. ((())) xxx

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 13:37

Perhaps you shouldn't post on these types of threads if you haven't got the time to be considerate and helpful.

Seriously mn is full of light hearted threads that require no thinking I'm sure you can find one.

AbigailAdams · 07/03/2013 13:39

WhenIsBedtime I posted yesterday and am so glad you seem to have got some help and support on this thread. You sound so much more positive today. And you are right you shouldn't have to post in SN to get support. AIBU is not an excuse to lose all empathy.

KateSMumsnet · 07/03/2013 13:41

Hi all,

Thanks to all those who brought this thread to our attention. We understand that things may have got unnecessarily heated, so as ever, please do report personal attacks to us.

We can see that the OP has taken advice and is working on the situation, which is wonderful. Let's try show that AIBU can be a constructive and helpful place (no laughing please).

ClayDavis · 07/03/2013 13:42

I think it's the Equality Act now, Wilson. The point still holds though. I think people forget that it refers to children with SEN as well as adults with other disabilities and I'm not quite sure why.

5madthings · 07/03/2013 13:43

Just set it so the ops posts are highlighted fgs its not hard ans of course the fact that ops dd has sen makes a difference as it means her behaviour can bs unpredictable ie the op mentioned the motorbike upsettinh her and making her late. You cant factor all these things in. If the school gate was open from a slightly earlier time then it would be ok for the op to get their earlier and wait in the playground.

I dont have any children with sen, i have some friends who do but come on read the thread and use some common sense, this situation is not the fault if the ops and the school need to work with her to improve it.

Oh and nalu i have five children and even when one of them was newborn i still took the time to read the ops posts on a long thread, if you arent going to you may as well not bother replying as your answer is irrelevant.

fallon8 · 07/03/2013 13:43

Sorry,have to agree with others,,what would happen if all the other kids just turned as and when?no, you have to get there for 9Am,,,it's not that difficult

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/03/2013 13:44

Why doesn't MN have some kind of a code thing they can colour the original post with (or similar) to show that it's taken a completely different turn

It does. If you took the time out of your busy swoopy schedule to look Hmm