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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 07/03/2013 13:05

((((Pag and Emma and OP))))

And, while we're at it (((every other poster who has had to come to terms with a SN diagnosis)))

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 13:07

Oh yes the eternal search for Proof That This Can't Possibly Be True Because He Pointed Once.

Funny how you get used to it though......eventually. With dd I was a bloody robot!

CinnabarRed · 07/03/2013 13:08

And ((((Cats))))

Pagwatch · 07/03/2013 13:08
WhenIsBedtime · 07/03/2013 13:09

Hello. Once again, thanks for all the advice.

This morning went really well. No problems, and dd got into her line on time. Although got a bit annoyed when one boy lined up behind her and refused to go in front of her (she likes to be at the back - I'm working on this 'attitude problem' by the way in case anyone starts on that too).

I spoke to HT today and the teacher. Just a quick chat as i had to shoot off and so did they.

I brought up some of the ideas from this thread i believed would be useful. The one the HT agreed with was getting here earlier, sitting in reception/Main Entrance area until the gates are unlocked at 8.45, and then walking round to the yard so dd can line up at 9.am as normal.

However, the HT wasn't exactly keen on this. She said that i ought to keep it to myself, as other parents might want the same for their children, and she doesn't want a little breakfast club forming in the Main Entrance every day.

She said it in a jokey way, but i don't think she was joking...

Who - I have actually brought this up before several times with her teacher. I've asked that when he can clearly see dd running towards him, would he mind waiting a minute until she reaches him as it makers her upset to see him walking away with her class. And he said no, as it delays others. No other solutions were given, and i was assured dd was fine in the classroom, and it would be something she'd just get used to. Obviously she hasn't.

In hindsight, yes, i probably should have posted this on the SN board. However, i was upset and wanted someone to talk to urgently yesterday when i posted, so thought i'd opt for here, as I know response times are quicker.

NEVER did i think that would mean i'd be opening myself to be scrutinised and picked at over the internet. I think it's disgusting that people think parents like me should stick to a small part of the board (SN section) when we want to talk about our children. Why? Why can parents of NT children talk about them wherever they like, yet parents of SEN children get picked at for doing the same?

Actually, i'm really glad i posted here. It's made me realise just how ignorant so many adults are. I genuinely wish that SEN (all variations) were discussed more openly and more often in schools, colleges etc. Perhaps then it would prevent another generation of ignorant people - such as their Mumsnet parents - from growing up alongside my daughter, with their shocking attitudes inherited from their mothers.

I've explained numerous times why i can't leave too early. I try and time it so that i arrive at the gates for 8.45 exactly when the gate is unlocked. When i can see we're going to be early (because no problems have arisen on the 2 minute journey), i try and dilly dally until 8.45, such as counting cars that go by etc. But then this could cause a mini-meltdown.

She's a dead weight when i try and lift her if she doesn't want to be lifted. God knows how she does it, but she's way too heavy to carry more than a few minutes. Tried reigns, she screamed blue murder, refused to walk.

onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-9566.00316/full

A small extract from a paper discussing exactly what HFA is, and the effects such ignorant comments - such as in this thread - have on the parents of HFA children.

Perhaps the 'ignorant' people would do well to read it and educate themselves.

Not that i'd expect anyone to read it when they can't even be bothered to read the information on this thread.

Now, this reply definitely was ranty. And i'm trying not to feel too guilty about posting it. oh, how i wish i had the same stone conscience as so many of you have when posting over the internet.

Words can hurt. Whether written or spoken, they still hurt.
Especially when it comes to talking about someone's child.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 07/03/2013 13:13

Yy

I think you eventually realise that your child has ASD and thats it.
You can either rage against that and be endlessly distressed or try and find a life. And the spectre of a child with disabilities diminishes as you realise that your child remains gorgeous and wonderful and loving them still brings the same joy. Most of the time DS2 is the nicest person in the room Smile
Its just all at a higher price iyswim.

nalubeadsgirl · 07/03/2013 13:14

I haven't read the whole thread - just answering your question.

YABU.

I can't guarantee i'm going to be there before 9am every morning. No one can Erm..yes you can. You get up earlier. You leave earlier. You arrive at school earlier.

Your daughter is upset because of you, not because of her teacher.

Just seen ^^ you saying your child has SEN. Sorry. But you are STILL being unreasonable. You don't have SEN. Therefore, don't see why it's relevant? You are responsible for getting your child to school - on time. End of. :)

nalubeadsgirl · 07/03/2013 13:15

Oh, and the fact you are hardly late, just nearly, shows even more that it is completely possible to get there on time!!!!

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 13:15

This reply has been deleted

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Pagwatch · 07/03/2013 13:17

read the fucking thread

Jesus. Who are these people that think that after nearly 700 posts, the issue isn't just a bit more problematic than the OP?

ClayDavis · 07/03/2013 13:18

Don't appologise for where you posted. It shouldn't matter whether you post here or SN or radio addicts. AIBU is not an excuse for people act like twats.

For the sake of your sanity, is there any possibilty of looking into other nearby schools. From the HT's and the class teacher's comments I suspect your going to spend the next 6 years battling crap from the school. Things will be so much easier for you if you can find one that accepts DD for who she is and can support her.

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 13:18

Glad the HT was open to trying some new strategies. I'm sure her "joke" wasn't one either but as you can see from this thread not everyone is very understanding or nice and I can see why she doesn't want a group of parents all insisting that it's not fair!

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 13:18

Grin when my dd has to be in "Line Order". I've had to dish out a few Mum Glares to make she slots in where she needs to be.

No unfortunately HT was NOT joking they never are Angry. This is the kind of thing that grips me. I'd say back in a sing song voice "but THEY won't NEED to do that will they as their dc don't have ASD, so you'll be able to MANAGE that eventuality accordingly won't you?"

Ignore who although it obviously meant A LOT to her to express her views, she even went to the trouble of changing her name JUST to respond to your thread. How Kind Smile.

Glad it went ok. I am going to read that link you posted now and then probably forward to all the unbelievers in laws that I know.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 07/03/2013 13:19

Op, I'm glad you managed to sort something out with the HT. Hopefully that will help a wee bit, as at least you won't have to stress about being their early.

BumpingFuglies · 07/03/2013 13:21

READ THE FUCKING THREAD!

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 13:22

Christ on a bike nalu!

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 13:22

Akaemmafrost you are more ballsy than me I have been well trained to be grateful to the powers that be for any snippets of help or flexibility they give my son. Says a lot doesn't it?

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 13:24

Nalubeadsgirl, you don't see why the SN part is relevant? Really? I mean really?

nalubeadsgirl · 07/03/2013 13:24

I saw the OP..i read briefly, she asked Was she being unreasonable, I've replied, yes I think you are!!!!

I've just had a quick scan through now. Ok. But her original question remains the same.

My answer remains the same!

WhenIsBedtime · 07/03/2013 13:24

Erm..yes you can. You get up earlier. You leave earlier. You arrive at school earlier.

I get up at half 5 most mornings. I got up at 5 yesterday morning. Made no difference.

Can't leave earlier as the gate is locked. if i get there before 8.45 am, dd goes off on one and tries to run onto the main road right next to the school (tiny, narrow pavement leading from my house to school). She won't stand and hold my hand for more than a minute without biting it.

Your daughter is upset because of you, not because of her teacher.

No. She's not upset because of me. She's not upset because of her teacher. She's upset because she has autism. She doesn't understand that she's able to go into school behind a different class from her own.

Just seen ^^ you saying your child has SEN. Sorry. But you are STILL being unreasonable. You don't have SEN. Therefore, don't see why it's relevant? You are responsible for getting your child to school - on time. End of.

No, I don't have SEN (although that's very presumptious of you - don't think i said whether or not i did have SEN). If you were me then, how would you ensure you got my dd to school right on time each day? Serious question. Obviously i'm doing something wrong, since you and so many other people believe they could do a better job. Even just one or two examples. How would you guarantee you could get my daughter into her line for 9am every day?

Oh, and the fact you are hardly late, just nearly, shows even more that it is completely possible to get there on time!!!!

No. I'm late maximum twice a week - and not every day - because my daughter's behaviour/mood is unpredictable. One morning, on our walk to school, we can have a nice pleasant chat such as today. Other mornings, she'd throw a fit if i dared to talk to her and she'd refuse to walk with me.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2013 13:24

People are doing it for a laugh now, aren't they? Aren't they?

Pagwatch · 07/03/2013 13:24

I Agree with ClayDavis

There is no need to apologise for posting on here. But I am pretty heartened by the number of posters with no direct experience who are supportive and helpful. I am going to take that from this thread.
The arses get noticed more because their comments are potentially hurtful but that does not make them more important.

BeerTricksPotter · 07/03/2013 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lafaminute · 07/03/2013 13:26

This reply has been deleted

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akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 13:26

Only because this is second time round cats and the night before a meeting confrontation I can't sleep or read or concentrate on anything. Sometimes I feel like I hurt all over from the stress of it all and I just sit as still as possible for a couple of hours till it passes. Oh and it's migraine city round here!

But in spite of all that I wouldn't change my children for the world. They are absolutely perfect and I feel honoured to be their Mum.

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