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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 07/03/2013 09:14

Good luck, Whenis. Hope they listen to you.

AudrinaAdare · 07/03/2013 09:16

Fantastic post OP, my thoughts exactly.

My DS could not get anywhere before time as he is unable to wait and the things you describe your DD doing in terms of getting from one place to another are his behaviours too. This is why we go everywhere by car - or in his Major Pushchair, and why he receives the mobility element of DLA. But I would not presume that the things he is able to do could be done by any other child with ASD.

You have been so gracious throughout this thread and I am wishing you both all the very best Smile

QuickLookBusy · 07/03/2013 09:19

Good luck today OP, hope you get somewhere.

You don't sound ranty at all, in fact I think you've been quite restrained in your response to the "just get there on time" brigade. They obviously have no concept of what you are going through.

BeerTricksPotter · 07/03/2013 09:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo · 07/03/2013 09:26

My thoughts looking at your routine are:

  1. 8 is late to aim for her to be eating breakfast I'd aim for 7.45 latest. I do this and it means that even with delays there is still always wiggle room

  2. aim for teeth, hair, clothes all by as close to/after 8 as possible

  3. aim to have her totally ready by 8.20 latest, Including shoes, coat

I think that although you get up early, your routine is very squashed between her getting up and you leaving the house. That would stress me out, and my child doesn't have SN

DeepRedBetty · 07/03/2013 09:44

Your description of HFA was absolutely brilliant OP. DN (now year 2) also has this as his diagnosis, and appears to be have many of the same issues. He too will go into meltdown about the most mundane things and throw a spanner into the works.

He is attending a school which although mainstream has a very good reputation locally for SN, and he does have a TA. Compared with the gargantuan struggle that my dsis had most days two years ago, he is a ray of sunshine now.

I've read all your own posts. Has anyone asked you about how you came to chose this school - obviously it is by far the closest to you! But did you consider a more distant school with better experience of HFA? Have you the time and energy to investigate?

Kytti · 07/03/2013 09:45

Altinkum I have some other friends that cope with their sn child's needs and are also never late. cornishsue appears to do amazingly well too.

The op asked if she was being unreasonable, and I think she was. She also clearly needs some more assistance, and it's great to see that hopefully she'll engage the school in finding a solution that will suit everyone. That will be great.

That was my opinion. I wasn't alone in that. I truly hope she gets some help, but if you don't want my opinion, don't ask for it.

Again, hope it all works out well, but there are many avenues to take, approaching MN on AIBU perhaps wasn't the best place to post. The special needs board would have been much more appropriate. Everyone would have been much more supportive and understanding from the start.

snowybun · 07/03/2013 10:04

Your last two posts I would say are spot on no child on the spectrum is the same and what may cause problems one day may not the next.
I also really like the idea of a late card it's giving a coping strategy.

My ds has asd he has a sen statement and full 1 to 1 help in a mainstream school we have days where he has got into school 1 to 2 hours late this has only been a couple of times in the 4 years he has been in school. I regularly aim to be at school just as the class is lining up to go in as he can have problems in the playground before school this does not always work. I also have a dd who is nt she is in reception so I need to make sure she is on time. I have many strategies in place to help ds in the mornings but some days it can go very wrong very quickly I have taken dd to school whilst leaving ds with dh just so she gets in on time not ideal but we really do need to think differently at times.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/03/2013 10:11

So people with SN children may only post in that topic

And if they do not they will have to accept page after page of unhelpful comments from people who either have not bothered to read beyond the OP or who are very much lacking in empathy and the ability to realise that not every child is exactly the same?

I find that quite a sad opinion tbh.

I do not have a child with SEN. But I do not think that it is too much of a stretch to realise that if I did, my child would not react in the same way to the OP.

The same way I do not think my children are exactly the same as anyone else's.

The OP gets up at 5:30am FFS.

Comments about how she should get up earlier/leave earlier/organise herself better are frankly ridiculous

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2013 10:13

That was a fantastic post, Whenisbedtime - not ranty at all - just saying clearly what some people on this thread need to hear.

I hope your meeting with the HT goes well/went well, and that you can get some strategies in place with the school to help your dd.

coppertop · 07/03/2013 10:25

The school having no previous experience of ASD isn't necessarily a problem. A willingness to listen and learn is more important, so it's a good sign that they have already sent staff on training courses.

Sometimes it can be more of a problem if a school has experience of ASD but, like so many people on here, assumes that all children on the spectrum are the same and insist that they know best.

When my eldest child started school 7 or 8 years ago, I too was told that he was the first child they'd had who had started school with a dx of ASD. It turned out to be a fantastic place and the ideal school for my ds.

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/03/2013 10:26

Altinkum I have some other friends that cope with their sn child's needs and are also never late. cornishsue appears to do amazingly well too

Have you not considered that the spectrum is pretty wide, and that all children are different? Just because one person can cope means absolutely nothing, because their childs set of needs is completely different to another childs.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 07/03/2013 10:29

Good luck with the school today WhenIsBedtime Thanks

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 10:34

I just feel myself starting to nod off now when poster write "well I know a child with ASD and they manage......blah blah blah!"

It's about as relevant as a post about how to get three days worth of meals out of one Roast Chicken!

Pagwatch · 07/03/2013 10:40

I had three children in three diffent schools and one has severe autism. I am NEVER late.
But I am fucking lucky that I was able to focus for tears on working through every one of DSs main issue and found something that worked (of all the banal shit it turns out DS2 loves a task list and star chart) and DS1 was a 40 year old an in the body of a 10 year old so was a huge help.
plus the sheer bloody stress of getting it done led me to a persistent anxiety which I still struggle with now and I had at least one year when I just shouted at the two DC without issues. It's unbelievably hard.

I can understand some 'just get there on time' comments early on. But as the picture of what the OP was managing evolved the continuining smart arse 'well I can do it' posts become more and more thick.

There are some utter cunts on this thread.

coppertop · 07/03/2013 10:42

It's the smuggery by proxy that makes me laugh.

"My friend/sister/grandfather's neighbour's cousin's milkman can get their 101 children to school on time and they have to climb Mt Everest on the way."

persimmon · 07/03/2013 10:43

This reply has been deleted

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SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/03/2013 10:44

READ THE THREAD, PERSIMMON. It is NOT that easy for the OP. And she already gets up at 5.30am!!!

BeerTricksPotter · 07/03/2013 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 07/03/2013 10:47

This reply has been deleted

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PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 07/03/2013 10:48

See, I even got my Angry wrong. That's how cross Persimmon's moronic comment made me!

persimmon · 07/03/2013 10:49

My apologies. Feeling very guilty now. Sorry OP. Blush

persimmon · 07/03/2013 10:50

Poo head? My first MN insult! And such a classy one! Grin

cornishsue · 07/03/2013 10:51

I was wanted to disagree with the comments that getting up/leaving earlier comments are ridiculous. I 100% disagree - in my own case.

As stated earlier I have two children with autism, one with other complex needs, and foster children with a variety of disabilities/special needs. The way I have always got all children to school on time, is exactly that - by leaving earlier. As the OP says all children with autism are different, and because of that literally anything can happen (especially when I am dealing with children I do not know) so the only way I can personally make sure the children get there is to leave enough time for that. It is totally my responsibility and my fault were they to be late. There is no special skill or technique involved - I have no help, no family or friends nearby and had no experience of autism prior to being faced with it. I can't alter the children's problems, I can only alter my own response to it. I guess I treat each morning as if there is a plane to catch, and there is absolutely no excuse for me personally to get the children there late - because, of course, that is particularly distressing for the children anyway. Yes, it is stressful but it would be far more stressful (as the OP describes) should be children be late and then have to face the 'trauma' of being late and in a situation that they find difficult/impossible to deal with.

I am sorry for judging anyone, and I make so many mistakes myself. I can't tell you how often I forget packed lunches, forms to fill in, PE kits, completed homework and have to do another round trip to drop the things off later in the morning. I am useless in that regard, and I am sure the OP is far better at organising that side of things - I am sure I could learn a lot from her. But, as I say, I have always regarded getting the children to school on time as an essential - my job (literally now). And the only way I have been able to do that job is by getting up earlier and allowing more time. So in my particular circumstance that has not been ridiculous, although it may well be for others in other circumstances.

Sorry again for being judgemental. As stated above I am useless in other matters.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 07/03/2013 10:51

Thanks, it's from my 'angry toddler' collection!