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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
GetOrf · 07/03/2013 07:32

I don't think the OP drip fed - she couldn't have put her whole story in the OP, nobody would have read it all.

The difficult thing I see is that when things go well she is only a minute from the school. But when things go badly (her dd gets upset by a plane or something) she has meltdown. The OP can't simply leave 5 or 10 mins earlier as the school gates are shut until 8.45 and if she has a good morning and gets to school ok, if she is early the dd won't cope with standing around in the street and it may cause another meltdown anyway. It does seem a very difficult situation - and it does sound that the op is trying her best.

It's really not as simple as get up earlier, leave for school earlier.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 07/03/2013 07:35

Amillion I agree.
Some people are clearly on MN more for their own enjoyment than to provide support.

I don't normally post at the end of really long threads if I haven't followed the whole story as chances are that a) everything has already been said; b) the thread has probably moved on.

But some people obviously feel their opinion is too important not to voice it.

OP I really hope you manage to find a solution. I don't have any experience to be able to offer advice, but I just wanted to offer my support. xx

MrsDeVere · 07/03/2013 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

idshagphilspencer · 07/03/2013 07:50

Oh and I am sick to death of the AIBU mentality of "don't post here unless you are prepared to take a kicking". Posters deserve a fair hearing and compassion no matter where they post. AIBU should not be an excuse to put the boot in over and over again.

WhenIsBedtime · 07/03/2013 07:57

Good morning. Just thought I'd jump on and reply while dd's having breakfast (trying things in reverse this morning, will get her dressed afterwards,so far so good).

I just wanted to say again thanks for the advice. i really like the idea of a Late Card, that's the type of thing dd loves. I plan on going and trying to speak to the Head this morning after drop off to try and plan a constant routine about morning drop offs.

I also wanted to share my surprise that so many parents - especially those of children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder - fail to understand that autism is, in fact, a spectrum. What upsets your child won't upset my child and vice versa. What does upset them will upset them in varying degrees. Their reactions, for example, to a barking dog can have totally polar effects. My daughter, for example, absolutely loves hugs and kisses. But i know some children with ASD canot stand to be touched. Autism isn't flu; the symptoms aren't textbook and completely the same for everyone. I'm so worried that I have to actually explain this to parents with autistic children. What hope is there of educating parents of NT children when parents of ASD children can't seem to understand?

Also High Functioning Autism presents itself differently to 'classic' autism, and again differs with each people. No two days are the same with my daughter. SOmething that upsets her one day, she might be okay with the next. It completely depends on her mood.

Sorry again if i'm being snappy. But i couldn't really holdd my tongue anymore after reading such horrible comments about me and my parenting. I feel guilty enough about my dd having autism, but believe it or not i'm not in control of her mind. When she kicks off about something, i can't negotiate with her as you might be able to do with an NT child.

Thanks for the advice about sleeping. I have an appointment with her pediatrician next month so will bring it up then and discuss my options. It's really just because she's such a light sleeper and we live in a flat with very thin walls. She'll wake at the slightest sound and often take a little while to settle back down.

Have to nip into work this morning, but will hopefully respond after lunchtime and let you know how i got on with the HT.

Thanks once again for the advice and lovely replies. Really means a lot, and even worth wading through the nasty ones.

OP posts:
xigris · 07/03/2013 08:00

Best of luck this morning, Whenis. Let us know how you get on Smile

WhenIsBedtime · 07/03/2013 08:01

Sorry - that sounded very ranty.

I didn't mean for a second that parents of NT children don't understand. Many of you on this thread have been so lovely. That point was directed at the people sniping at me to get up earlier than my current 5.30, and telling me i'm lazy, and telling me to change my routine, and telling me it's my fault, and telling me - for a million times - that they can get their multiple children to school for 9am on the dot so i ought to be able to manage with my one child.

I take education very seriously. DD has never had a day off school, and my stomach fills with dread each time we're late ( for a whole host of reasons), but because we live next door, and i try to plan meticulously, we're never more than a few minutes late.

OP posts:
TanteRose · 07/03/2013 08:01

when hope today goes well

this thread has been eye-opening, in more ways than one

your words below are very true

"Autism isn't flu; the symptoms aren't textbook and completely the same for everyone. I'm so worried that I have to actually explain this to parents with autistic children. What hope is there of educating parents of NT children when parents of ASD children can't seem to understand?" Sad

anyway, good luck Smile

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/03/2013 08:07

I hope the HT has some useful ways to help.

OP you are doing a great job, by the sounds of things. You sound like a lovely, caring mum, who has an awful lot to cope with. You must be exhausted.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. But I would imagine it is very hard not to IYSWIM.

I do not have any personal experience of raising a child with ASD so I don't know what I could ever add that would help. But I just wanted to post and give you some support xx

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 08:07

I don't think you sounded ranty AT ALL. Very restrained considering some of really awful responses on here.

IneedAsockamnesty · 07/03/2013 08:07

Most parents when they talk about additional needs in a schooling context really mean additional direct learning support and due to the general piss poor methods that some schools have that need is translated as being help to read and write in a classroom. Not stuff that assists them in school but just help reading ect.

cornycruzcampo · 07/03/2013 08:08

hope today goes well for you OP

MidnightMasquerader · 07/03/2013 08:16

Good luck today WhenIs - you sound like an amazing Mum. :)

Update us, if you can.

amillionyears · 07/03/2013 08:16

A great post WhenIsBedtime.

QuietNinjaTardis · 07/03/2013 08:18

I've read the whole thread and have been like this Shock I don't have a child with sn but am shocked that anyone can still come on and say "just get there earlier" if it was that easy don't you think the op would have done it already?
I have a friend who's ds is 7, he is autistic she says mildly but I presume high functioning is the correct terminology? Anyway she is still learning about his condition and triggers for certain behaviour.
It seems to me that op is still learning about her dd's condition and the school are not helping! Op you have a few good suggestions to give to school for helping your dd and they should be doing all they can to help. I know its easier said than done getting the help you need and I have no experience of it but I do suggest going on the sn boards where there are parents who've been through all this and can give you excellent advice on how to get the best help for you dd.
I know I've used help too many times in my post but my brain"s not waking up yet. Good luck op.

QuietNinjaTardis · 07/03/2013 08:23

Good luck!

ClayDavis · 07/03/2013 08:23

Good luck OP. Hope you and your DD get the support you need from the HT.

Sirzy · 07/03/2013 08:25

I have only just read the thread and haven't read everyones posts only yours but was shocked how nasty some people were when it is obvious you are trying everything possible to get her in on time.

Its a shame the school haven't got enough TAs for one to meet you at the gate each day, would they accept you waiting back with her until the last class has gone in and then taking her in? Or more importantly would she accept that? Or is there a teacher in a class further up the school who she likes who she could stand with until their class go in?

I hope you manage to find a simple solution to make things easier for you all.

Catsdontcare · 07/03/2013 08:25

Great post OP good luck with the school.

idshagphilspencer · 07/03/2013 08:38

OP I am giving your last 2 posts a virtual standing ovation.

Ninetyninepercent · 07/03/2013 08:39

Good luck with the school op!

Jux · 07/03/2013 08:40

Good luck with the HT, Whenis. Congrats on reading all the posts and still coming back. Let's hope today is more positive ( but do go on the SN board).

FinnTheHuman · 07/03/2013 08:46

Good luck with head teacher OP.

I think some people's covers have been well and truly blown on this thread, am shocked.

hazeyjane · 07/03/2013 08:53

Good luck with the school, op, I'll be keeping everything crossed for you.

I just wanted to add, I have had real struggles with dd1 and the getting into classroom bit of school, it is minor in comparison to your situation, but after talking to the school we now have an arrangement which is working for her (for now!) - I really hope you can get something sorted.

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/03/2013 09:06

Great posts op. keep us updated with your progress.