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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 06/03/2013 23:19

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YouTheCat · 06/03/2013 23:34

Support is just sooo easy to come by when you have a child with SN Hmm

The school don't sound like they have a bloody clue tbh.

amillionyears · 06/03/2013 23:39

mumat39.
I have reported your post to MNHQ.
I have asked them to read it, and I have asked them if they will kindly read the entire thread.
I dont know how many threads they read entirely, not very many I presume.
But I do think that they do need to read this one.

tethersend · 06/03/2013 23:48

Could a late pass work for her, OP?

A laminated card given to you by the teacher (an official looking one) which you can give to your DD when she's missed the line so she knows she can go to her classroom with her 'special pass'.

Lilka · 06/03/2013 23:51

If the op has an issue with time keeping due to get child's autism she needs to either meet with the school and get support

Hmm Yep you're right, I think all SN parents everywhere relish meetings with school. It's the wonderful feeling of knowing the school completely understand everything and will do everything in their power to make life easier for the child.....

Oh look I woke up....nooo it was such a nice dream :(

ps. I approached my DD2's (old MS) school for support, and was robustly denied pretty much everything. We got in after lunchtime one day and I explained it was due to a (hours long) horrid PTSD triggered meltdown, where I had to restrain her, she completely dissociated and hurt me, trashed her room etc, and then we needed a good couple of hours afterwards for relaxing down time. School response? They gave me a lovely dressing down, and told me that Meltdown = naughty child. I need firmer discipline (like shouting, removing privelages and time out) and drag her in if I have to. Late = my fault.

Really helpful that was. I mean really. If only I'd known that complex MH issues can be fixed so easily with just a bit more shouting and robust discipline

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 06/03/2013 23:51

I think that tethers idea is a very good one. What she needs is a rule or system she can bring into play when the normal system breaks down. And some kind of visual prompt (eg a card like tethers suggests) will really help. This is exactly the sort of thing I'd look to do with ds, certainly.

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 23:56

amillion, I reported a post earlier. They are keeping an eye on this thread.

Schnarkle · 07/03/2013 00:11

Well this has been an enlightening read for sure. I have no advice for you WhenIsBedtime but I want to add a voice of support for you on this thread. Completely agree with you mumat39

As for the helpful people posting they have 20 hundred children under 4 and are never late. Bully for you.

IHeartKingThistle · 07/03/2013 00:33

OP you sound lovely. Really sorry some people have upset you tonight.

mamadoc · 07/03/2013 00:39

There is a little lad with autism in dds y1 class and he comes to school 10mins later than everyone else, meets his ta and she takes him in to class. It's been done this way since he started in reception. Just a small accommodation that makes life easier. I know his parents and they feel it takes pressure off them to know that they're not delaying anyone else if he does have a bad morning.
I know you say dd likes to line up and that overall you don't think she needs 1:1 support but if once or twice a week she is so distressed she is crying and you are too then that sounds like a sufficient problem to get a regular plan in place to tackle it.

cornishsue · 07/03/2013 04:47

I am writing what will probably be an unfair and unhelpful reply, but I'm afraid this thread has annoyed me. I also have to say at first I did not believe your post, because you initially seemed so unreasonable (sorry).

I am the mother of 4 children - 2 with autism and another with other special needs. We live in the country, 9 miles from the nearest small town and school. I do know and understand how difficult, almost impossible, mornings can be. And yes dealing with, and trying to hurry along, children with autism can be very challenging. 2 of my children went to a school for children with moderate learning difficulties, over 20 miles away, the other 2 went to mainstream schools in town, 9 miles in the other direction (naturally!). Every morning the children would have to spend a long time in the car as we did our route to drop everyone off. Yet in the last 10 years I can only recall one day when the children were late - when the car would not start.

Since my children have grown we have become foster parents. We do a lot of respite care, where obviously it would not make sense for the child to move schools for a short time, and so some we have taken to schools over an hour away - others of course are nearer. Also the foster children can often be upset/confused/angry, adding to the stress of the mornings. Yet again we have never had a foster child who we delivered late for school.

So when I read that your child is late once or twice a week, and that you live so close, I was (as I said probably unfairly) annoyed with you. And I kept thinking that, baring a dire emergency, there is absolutely no excuse to be continually late. You child is distressed, and believe me I know how awful that can be, so surely that alone must make arriving on time essential. This is totally preventable, and totally within your power. I can see you have a routine, and I have no special skills or miracle answers, I just muddle through like most of us do. All I have ever done is work out how much time we need to take the children to their schools (and obviously this changes weekly) and allowed a bit of extra time for the 'mini emergencies' that will no doubt occur. Also all the little ones have breakfast in their pyjamas so any spills do not matter. That has always been the simple answer - allow extra time. Simple as that - well it has worked for me all these years.

Despite being annoyed, I sincerely wish you good luck. Contact me privately if you think I can help more - though, as I said just muddle through too.

Kytti · 07/03/2013 05:03

YABVU I've got four children, never late. NEVER late. Well, there was one occasion when we had to run 'cos one of the dt's filled his nappy just as we were leaving... but STILL wasn't late.

Why is it people with ONE child can be late? Really?

Judgy me.

MidnightMasquerader · 07/03/2013 05:36

Try reading the thread for your answer, Kytti.

MidnightMasquerader · 07/03/2013 05:42

cornishsue - it sounds like you do an amazing job; I'm slightly in awe.

The OP has a tenuous situation, and arriving early presents its own set of problems, which are just as likely to send her DD into meltdown as well. Plus, she gets up at 5.30. She is clearly trying.

It really sounds difficult for her, but there have been such really helpful, practical suggestions on this thread, and hopefully the OP can work something out with the school that works for everyone.

Altinkum · 07/03/2013 05:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 06:31

cornishsue sounds like have done and are doing a fantastic job.

However every circumstance with a SN child is different, as you must know and maybe the OP's coping skills are not as practised as you're, maybe you had practical support or knowledge she does not have as yet? Anyhow it was kind that you offer to help further but I doubt the OP would want to take you up on that offer, what with you being so "annoyed" by her OP and difficulties. I know I certainly wouldn't.

ChristmasJubilee · 07/03/2013 06:47

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ClayDavis · 07/03/2013 06:56

Does your child with special needs have high functioning autism, Christmas?

amillionyears · 07/03/2013 06:57

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idshagphilspencer · 07/03/2013 06:59

This thread shows the best and worst of mumsnet. The best are those offering sympathy and constructive support to the op. The worst are the smuggly superior who cannot wait to put the boot in. They should feel utterly ashamed.

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 07:18

Christmas I don't think the OP "drip fed" at all. It sounds more to me that she's hasn't got a full grip on her child's needs yet so is struggling. I have two children with ASD and have been dealing with that for 6 years. I STILL haven't got full awareness of how they are affected OR how to deal with school fully, what I am entitled to ask for and I consider myself pretty clued up in general.

I am honestly disgusted by the attacking attitudes and judgement on the thread. All of the criticism and haranguing for not getting it right immediately all of the time, i would love to see those dishing it out cope with ONE of my dc for even a couple of hours and get it right in the way they are attacking the OP for not managing too.

ClayDavis · 07/03/2013 07:20

Agreed idshag. Fair play to the OP though. She's taken a hammering on this thread about everything from her use of the phrase 'wait on', to her parenting skills. She's come back to thread, taken the advice she's received on board and had the good grace to not even comment on some of the abuse she's received from posters.

Bobyan · 07/03/2013 07:22

amillion it was the tread I started that went poof...

I can't understand how that was deleted but the frankly misinformed and unhelpful posts on here stay on...

MidnightMasquerader · 07/03/2013 07:25

The OP did not drip feed. The situation is clealy nuanced, and the original post was obvious a brain dump, with clarity going on as the situation was teased out.

Surey even those of us without SEN children can see that? And surely it's rarely possible to get all the info, especially in a case like this, into the OP?

Wh do people feel the need to be so unsupportive on threads where the OP is clearly feeling desperate and reaching out for support?

No, seriously, why? What do people get out of it? I'm so glad that this thread generally took a turn for the better as it progressed. It says a lot about the nice, lovely posters on MN that it did.

akaemmafrost · 07/03/2013 07:31

It's certainly been useful in the maintenance of my "Twats On MN" spreadsheet that's for sure.