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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
GetOrf · 06/03/2013 21:42

I really feel for you OP. I have no advice, other than I don't think that the teacher waiting with the whole class is the solution. There must be something else which would help your child's anxiety. I know sod all about autism but there are plenty of jelpful and knowledgable mners on here so I hope that some ideas could make your life easier. God only knows it sounds so hard and exhausting. You have my sympathy.

idshagphilspencer · 06/03/2013 21:48

9.45 weare??? That would make them very late though wouldn't it ?!

MidnightMasquerader · 06/03/2013 21:49

I feel for you too, OP. It does sound as if arriving at school on time is somewhat of a lottery for you, in a way that those of use with NT children (like myself) can't really understand nor appreciate.

I would agree with re-posting this in a more appropriate forum where people will be kinder and more empathetic re the issue, and might have some good ideas for you.

I would definitely also suggest having a chat with the teacher, head teacher, whoever, to try to come up with some solutions for your DD. it sounds really stressful, but I'm sure there's something you can do that will work for all of you.

Simply getting up earlier/leaving the house earlier is obviously not a workable solution.

Good luck. :)

YouTheCat · 06/03/2013 21:49

So many lacking in any empathy or sympathy though. Hmm

Why bother passing comment if you really have nothing to say other than 'don't be late'? Ffs the OP has explained it all in detail.

idshagphilspencer · 06/03/2013 21:50

tardiness....really??
jeez this thread is depressing

MidnightMasquerader · 06/03/2013 21:51

Or should I say, getting up/leaving earlier is not necessarily always a workable solution.

MidnightMasquerader · 06/03/2013 21:52

I know. :(

GetOrf · 06/03/2013 21:54

I think it's one of those threads where on reading the OP you think 'pull your finger out OP' but then on reading the subsequent posts and seeing the whole picture you can't help empathising, really.

Hopefully the school can help - not by keeping the whole class waiting but rather by approaching the issue from a different way. Mind you op says that she is the only child with autism in the school so perhaps they are not experienced with SN.

Bloody shame though. My dd has been lucky that her schools were always very inclusive with those children with SN. She has grown up knowing that some children need to have things adapted to help them.

Perhaps a permanent late start might help - but I don't know if that would make her even more anxious.

I should probably shurrup because I don't know anything about it anyway Grin

loubielou31 · 06/03/2013 21:55

Having battled with my own long hair in the morning, I found that brushing it and tying it in a plait at bed time meant that it was much easier to deal with in the morning. It just hadn't tangled up whilst I slept. Sometimes I didn't need to do anything at all to it because it still looked absolutely fine. Do you think your DD would sleep with her hair tied up?
Eating in Pyjamas and then getting dressed into uniform as others have said could also be a good routine.
Does your DD react best if every day was as near to being exactly the same as possible so everything done in the same order each day?
It does sound like the school is not being very helpful, I hope you find a better solution. Lots of the ones suggested here sound like they'd be worth trying.

Lilka · 06/03/2013 22:00

Viviennnemary -no this situation has arisen because OP's DD has autism and has meltdowns which are triggered unpredictably, plus sleeping problems. OP gets up at 5 flipping 30 and has everything ready the night before

Lueji · 06/03/2013 22:03

On simplifying things in the morning, does she need to have long hair?

She could have shorter hair (unless of course he has an issue with hair length, but you could always cut it shorter and shorter), for example.

Does her class have to go in first?
It looks like there's a very short window between opening gates and getting into class.
I had not realised that initially.
In that sense it's not fair on her, if you really can't wait at the gate safely, and I'd think the school could compensate or this by letting her class go later.

Viviennemary · 06/03/2013 22:04

Sorry I wasn't more sympathetic. I thought it was the OP's fault for not allowing enough time to get to school but realise now that this isn't the case. I apologise.

GetOrf · 06/03/2013 22:07

Aww good on you viv.

OBface · 06/03/2013 22:16

From what I understand from the OP the gates open at 8:45 and bell goes to line up at 9am.

I appreciate that waiting outside the gates isn't an option but living 2 doors down could you not aim to be ready for 8:30 (shoes/coat on) and have a period for reading and drawing (which I think is already in your schedule elsewhere) then leave the house at 8:45 when the gates will most definately be open. Obviously there will always be situations that scupper the best laid plans but might bring down the frequency of late starts...

I really think breakfast before getting dressed is a good idea to save last minute changes of clothes as well.

Agree a process for when you are late with the school and make sure your DD is fully signed up and happy with it.

And please have a lie in yourself! You must be exhausted getting up at 5:30am everyday. There is nothing that is so important that it can't wait until later in the day.

alistron1 · 06/03/2013 22:16

What about asking for a staff member to be allocated to wait in the morning and guide her in whatever time you get there? Or for you to be allowed to take her straight into class? That way there's consistency and hopefully will mitigate against the anxiety.

However if the teacher can see you both approaching it's a bit tight of him not to wait for a little bit!

silverfrog · 06/03/2013 22:17

Op, this may be a bit off the wall, but could there be anything that is making your dd dawdle on the walk to school?

maybe she needs to wait until she is sure the janitor has walked away from the gates (or until he has reentered the building)

maybe there is a particular parent/child's arrival she is waiting for, and making sure she goes in the gate after them?

maybe there is a certain sound/sequence of events which has to happen before she lets herself walk through the school gates.

I have been there, done that with very similar situations. it is unbelievable, until you have lived through it, how difficult it can be to tease out situations like this. from my experience with dd1, often the problem, when I have managed ot discover it, is not the one I thought it was in the first place.

I appreciate you have many challenges at home - the dressing, eating, prompting side of things. but you say that on the walk she can inexplicably be interested in the litter, or anythign else to delay you - maybe it is a delay-on-purpose on her part, even though the result is that she gets upset.

I know that dd1 sometimes gets stuck in ruts and routines which don't actually make her happy - in fact they make her downright miserable, for similar reasons (ie meanign something she loves doesn't happen quite right), but she still has to compulsively complete the routine.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 06/03/2013 22:17

only read six pages so I know it may have moved on...

I have a SN kid who has challenges getting ready on time. We also have found a list of things to do helpful and also getting everything packed and ready the day before. We find if he packs and organises the night before it can be slow and painful but there are less arguments in the morning. He responds well to using things like the kitchen timer (for shower length) and having incentives for being early... e.g. can sit in car and look up xyz history program or play annoying music I generally can't tolerate.

OP, you said you are worried about your daughter running around on the pavement. What if you buy one high value (in her mind) toy or book or whatever that can only be looked at at school before the gate is unlocked. My son used to respond well to that, well at least some of the time.

We had horrific times getting him to preschool on time. I remember one time where there were terrible tantrums for an hour and a half because I had the wrong underpants (the ones he wanted were identical except for a tiny whale emblem on the front). However once he started school we have had less problems because he rides the bus and we have to be there ready or not. I think he has missed the bus maybe twice in seven years and is rather panicky if it happens.

marquesas · 06/03/2013 22:20

viviennemary - just using you as an example as you are the most recent poster of this type, having seen that the thread has over 500 posts did you genuinely think that the issue could possibly be as simple as your answer suggests.

Can I suggest that anyone who hasn't already sets the OP's posts to highlight so you can at least read them before posting obviously way off the mark replies.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 06/03/2013 22:22

Oh and we insisted on a hair cut when DS wanted it long but wouldn't brush it and fought me every morning.

IneedAsockamnesty · 06/03/2013 22:25

I will say I've only read the first page but op have you concidered rearranging school start times for dd?

2 of my dc's were allowed to start 10 mins after everybody else and were met at the door by there ta's as it enabled them to skip the bustle in the playground and avoid getting wound up.

Often late issues with kids with ASD can be due to anxiousness over the start of the day so the child acts out to delay but that has the effect of causing more distress so it turns into a cycle.

A formal prearranged start time that means she completly misses the morning arrival of everybody else can solve the anxiousness very well.

Now I'm off to read the whole thread.

SugarplumKate · 06/03/2013 22:33

I have 4 children, 3 at different schools and a toddler. In 8 years of doing school runs, I have never been late for school not even when no4 was tiny. In this case YADBU, you need to get to school on time, sorry!

SugarplumKate · 06/03/2013 22:37

Whoops, pressed return too soon. Could you find a quiet place to wait just outside the playground perhaps so you can see the optimum time to send your daughter in, and so she doesn't have to wait in the playground? Or arrange with the school for her to go in via a different way - i.e via reception or could a ta meet her/you? I'd hope the school might be able to help if you talk to them.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 22:39

My dd has long hair and it's hysteria to brush and plait it each morning, however she has never been to a hairdresser, refuses point blank, I would have to sedate her to get it cut.

This is what I mean, get the hair cut is good advice however it would not work for us. Every six months I cut a couple of inches off the bottom and it stays in a plait or pony tail the rest of the time.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 22:40

Any of your dc autistic sugarplumkate?

gimmecakeandcandy · 06/03/2013 22:41

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