Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 20:07

It's a lost cause, idshagphilspencer. Hopefully the OP isn't still reading this thread and will post somewhere more helpful.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/03/2013 20:08

Just give her a sticker if she gets to school on time and tell her she has to sit on the naughty step if she doesn't, that'll work

Wink
WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 20:11

Thanks again everyone for the advice.

Yes, we are only ever a few minutes late. And always get to the gate before her class has gone into the building. On one occassion, we've been ten minutes late and had to use the Main Entrance.

DD really loves lining up though in the mornings. i think taking her through the Main Entrance each day would upset her. But it won't cause as much upset as when she misses her line, so it could be worthwhile trying it. And then walking round to join the line once the bell rings at 9am.

It takes up to an hour to get dressed and hair brushed on bad days. Good days can take no more than twenty minutes. Just tantrums over the labels itching her, or because she doesn't like black that day. And then she screams in pain when i try and brush her hair, and i need to chase her around. She has very long, thick hair so i can't leave it down.

I'll definitely experiment with my morning routine , and try waking her later. I tried visual timetables before but they didn't really work then. Worth a try again though now that she's a bit older.

There's only one TA for the whole school and they're part time, so wouldn't be able to commit to my dd. I don't think she needs a TA though anyway. If she was there for 9am each day, there'd be no issue.

Her problems/issues sound much worse on here than they actually are. She's a very sweet girl, and lots of people who don't know her can't tell she has HFA unless they observe her all day.

OP posts:
MiaCulper · 06/03/2013 20:15

Wine and best wishes for OP.

This thread is an absolute joy for the spreadsheet keepers. Nice, clear contrast between the twunts and the not-twunts. Except for a couple who realised their mistakes and returned with apologies, making a mess of my system.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/03/2013 20:15

I was obviously not being serious.

I think sometimes we don't realise how demanding our kids issues are of us because that is our daily lives.

If everything written down is how she is then it probably IS hard for you but you are just used to it because its your daily life.

Even if others can't see what is happening it's you who has to deal with the things bubbling under the surface.

She sounds a fantastic girl but don't feel you shouldn't ask for more help and support just because you feel she appears NT to others. You are having to deal with more than other parents to help her function so well.

TheSeniorWrangler · 06/03/2013 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 06/03/2013 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rodandtheemu · 06/03/2013 20:28

So really this thread hasnt gone any where from this morning?!
There is a larger portion of posters saying that the OP needs to get her act together and the same smaller portion of posters saying nothing will ever work, this child is sn and no one understands....The teacher needs to make the whole class wait..
Yes the child is sn so the OP needs to get her act to gether. Im not disbuting that the morning could have a million different out comes, thats par of the course with sn.
The Op like has been said a million times needs to take that hidieous confused/upset situation away by cutting the school yard out! Op thinks that dd wont like going through reception and enjoys waving but Its the lesser of two evils. One that is more easier sustainable for when DD goes through the rest of the school years.

BUT for some reason, im sure there will be the few posters thats say ''oooooh noooooo she couldnt possibly do that, she is sn and the teacher needs to wait and nothing can be helped and know one understands. Rather self indulgant when actually its the bloody DD thats needs the help.

rodandtheemu · 06/03/2013 20:32

cross posted with op ..shite phone!

mumat39 · 06/03/2013 20:33

Hi again OP

Would it be worth asking If you could walk her in, and show her how to queue up behind whichever class is going in and then take her to her classroom? Only on the days you're late of course?

Maybe if she feels comfortable with you helping her, she might eventually get the hang of it and then won't get quite so upset about the fact that her teacher has gone in.

I hope you're feeling a bit better this evening and that your dd is nicely tucked up in bed and that you can put your feet up and just chill with a nice glass of Wine

Take care and fingers crossed she doesn't get too upset tomorrow.

(((()))) xxx

CheerfulYank · 06/03/2013 20:34

Does she like timers, OP? The little girl I worked with on the spectrum did. If you set one and said, we have this long before the school gates open, we must hurry, would she understand?

CheerfulYank · 06/03/2013 20:37

Is there a bench or anything outside the school gates where you could wait and read til they opened the gates?

Signet2012 · 06/03/2013 20:44

Well this has all gone a bit daft hasn't it!

Wish people would read the bloody thread.

Op my silly phone won't let me do wine but I thought I'd pop on with my opinion.

Firstly you are doing all you can do. Given the circumstances.

Secondly she is attending school and late once or twice a week that's three times a week she is on time.

I personally have experience with adults with various levels of needs on various points on the spectrum and from what I've read there is nothing more you can do to get your dd there on time.

I'd be more tempted to go with the flow and for now accept she is going to be late sometimes but speak to the school and also work on some coping strategies on what she can do if her line is going ie go straight in or tag on to another line.

There are specialist therapists than can help with this. It's not a quick fix but can work with consistency and practise until it becomes a new rule and acceptable to her.

I'd probably make that my focus for the long term.

In the short term try eat phones to drown out noise outside?

You can not plan for every eventuality and you're doing all you can.

waltermittymissus · 06/03/2013 20:47

Sorry, my idea of setting up the new rule was ill thought out clay

I didn't really think of the time it would take.

OP, your daughter is the only SN student in the school - do you think they'd let the year above hers go in first? That way nobody is held up (for a whole two minutes!) and she doesn't miss her line?

wedwose · 06/03/2013 20:53

I've reread all the op's posts again and agree with mrsdevere and hattfattner from much earlier on that it would be worth op looking at the sleep issues more, op you may be doing this but it's one issue you don't mention.......best of luck with everything.

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 21:08

It is a good idea though, walter. It just needs to work alongside other strategies to get you through the here and now.

WeAreEternal · 06/03/2013 21:11

I have a friend with two HF autistic children who are both lovely but difficult.
She manages to get her boys to school for 9.45 every morning, regardless of tantrums and accidents. So there really is no excuse to be late so often.

fuckwittery · 06/03/2013 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 21:12

I don't think anyone is saying "nothing will ever work". They are looking at the advice given and weighing it against their own experiences and knowing it wouldn't work with their child. That's the thing with ASD it manifests itself so differently in every child that there can be no one size fits all approach. The reasons people HAVE autism can't be pinned down fully so how can we pin down how to "treat" it?

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 21:14

FGS weareeternal it manifests itself differently in every child, it's SO ignorant to say well the autistic child I know is fine! So there's no excuse. You could not be more wrong.

SauvignonBlanche · 06/03/2013 21:17

Well good for your friend Weareeternal Hmm

xigris · 06/03/2013 21:19

Hello again When - I spoke to my friend whose son has HFA to see if she could offer any pearls of wisdom: she didn't have many suggestions but she did say that sleep played a major role in her DS's behaviour. (He's in year 1). He's not currently medicated as his paediatrician doesn't think it's warranted at the moment. One thing that my friend is keen on are fish oils. She uses Eskimo Kids which are very pure and contain omega 3,6&9. They obviously don't work miracles but she does think they help to 'balance' her DS's behaviour a little and help with his concentration. She also suggested accessing a local ASD support group (if you haven't done already). Best of luck to you and your DD Thanks

kinkyfuckery · 06/03/2013 21:35

I know your daughter enjoys lining up with her classmates, but how about you take her through the main entrance/office on the days that you are late, but allow her to line up when on time?

Lilka · 06/03/2013 21:41

Well I can't add anything to the suggestions made by cory and some others, but I sympathise OP. My DD2 has been in Special Ed for the majority of school but we started in mainstream and what a nightmare. We were late about once a week and about once a month we were hours to a full half day gone before we got in. School were useless because they refused to believe that her problems even existed in children of her age, and preferred to put it down to poor parenting Hmm

You could try waiting in the front office till all the lines are in, although I understand she likes to be in a line
The school could permit you to go into school with her if you arrive before 8.45. It's a reasonable adjustment for her IMHO. Then your road worries could be resolved.

If the school were amenable, the order that classes go in could be jiggled a bit, so DD's class go in after most of the other classes
Does DD like music? Maybe an iPod/cd player that would drown out traffic noise and she could concentrate on during the walk to school?

Viviennemary · 06/03/2013 21:42

Sorry you should ensure you are there on time at school. The situation has arisen because of your tardiness and is in no way the teacher's fault.+