Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
wedwose · 06/03/2013 18:39

I HAVE read the thread and her routine getting up at 5, DD up at 7 except that she is often too tired to get up until 730. However op repeatedly says they are within sight of line going in. If that is the case the case then it is nu to suggest that some small change in ops routine would make all the difference. I stand by what I said, it is not the teacher's fault, it is unreasonable to expect him to wait. My sympathy is with op's dd, op has a duty to work out a strategy, there are plenty of good suggestions amongst the 400+ posts

wedwose · 06/03/2013 18:41

although I should have send aim to get out 10 mins earlier not get up 10 mins earlier.

SadOldGit · 06/03/2013 18:51

wedwose but if she leaves 10 minutes earlier and nothing delays them then she is worried about DD running off etc whilst waiting at locked gate hence she aims to arrive as the gate is opened!

Crocky · 06/03/2013 18:52

I haven't managed to read all of the thread so apologies if someone else has this suggestion but is there a TA available to come out with your teacher?
A routine could be set up where the teacher leads the class in and the TA follows up the rear. When the OP is on time the TA would walk alongside your dd. If you are late then the TA holds back and walks her in. There would then be a constant approach for your dd.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/03/2013 18:59

Yes, get up at 520 am instead, problem solved Wink

BridgetBidet · 06/03/2013 19:03

Wedwose, I wouldn't put it quite so bluntly but for the sake of one or two minutes I think that perhaps it might be worth the OP trying some of the suggested strategies.

I think the OP needs to be brutally honest with herself as well. If she can honestly say that the delay is never going to be more than this minute or two then fair enough go and ask the teacher to wait. But if she starts getting the extra two minutes and then the lateness becomes 5 minutes late then 10 minutes life will become even more difficult for her daughter.

I don't want to hurt the OPs feelings but really for the sake of a minute or two it might be best to look at different ways of coping rather than put her daughter in difficult situations where attention is attracted to her.

I really don't want to seem unkind, I do sympathize but I think some of the advice on here is geared more towards saving the mum's feelings rather than concentrating on what is best for her DD.

wedwose · 06/03/2013 19:03

Again, nothing that has been said transmutes into this being the teacher's fault.

wedwose · 06/03/2013 19:11

Obviously there are numerous issues at play here: amongst others, DD's tiredness in the morning, very probably OP's own fatigue, issues with morning routine and whether it can be changed round, amended/shortened, fact school gates don't open until 845am, fact teacher won't wait even though he sees DD at other side of the playground. I've seen a lot of good suggestions in the thread already about various steps OP could take on each of these issues. I was simply taking issue with one point that suggested it was the teacher who was at fault. I don't agree.

amillionyears · 06/03/2013 19:13

This thread manages to highlight posters who have virtually no understanding of others problems unless they have personally experienced them themselves.

For some reason I keep thinking of those dolls that are pretend babies. That are given to teenagers to look after to help them know what is involved in caring for a baby.

I dont know if SN dolls are made.
They could be remarkably educational for all ages of the general public.

TarkaTheOtter · 06/03/2013 19:16

Could the school switch it so your dd's class goes in last. Sounds like she copes with the lining up so presumably it would be ok for her to have to wait for the other classes to go in when you do get there at 9? As she goes up the school this will become less of a "difference" for the other kids in her class anyway.

That said, I actually don't think YABU provided it only is a minute as it has a massive knock on effect for your daughter and a tiny minimal effect for the others (and avoids other classes being held up anyway).

hazeyjane · 06/03/2013 19:19

Yes but wedwose, I would say in that list you have given, the thing that could easily be changed is the teacher waiting for the op's dd, or sorting out some sort of arrangement to ensure a good start to the school day, surely the teacher should be trying to help sort this?

YouTheCat · 06/03/2013 19:26

Wed, the OP has tried everything. How do you think she can stop her dd's anxiety which makes her scared of loud noises and pick up rubbish? That is what makes her late, not anything wrong with her routine.

Due to the school's policy of not letting children in before line up time (because of selfish parents leaving their children unattended previously), it is not safe for her dd to be next to the main road waiting. If she is anything like my ds, she will have no sense of danger.

The school has a duty here (not necessarily just the teacher).

cory · 06/03/2013 19:28

I like your idea of SN dolls, amillionyears.

They'd have to make them fairly heavy and with very strong batteries to give the full of experience of a 6yo in meltdown.

And set so that a single mistake on the part of the caretaker meant they malfunctioned for 3 days.

cory · 06/03/2013 19:29

Self destructing too: self harming is extremely common in children with high anxiety levels.

BridgetBidet · 06/03/2013 19:32

Presumably the little ones go in first to minimize the amount of time they're left standing around. They're probably going to be less patient about standing round than 11 year olds and more difficult to control.

Someone said something earlier in this thread about proving a point. I think a lot of posts on this thread are people trying to 'prove a point'. I really can't see why one of the strategies suggested such as negotiating with the school for early access or going in slightly later when the playground has cleared can't be used. This fixation on getting the teacher to wait is focused on what the mum wants and not what is best for the DD. I really don't agree that putting her in a situation where she is going to be embarrassed is for the best.

pingu2209 · 06/03/2013 19:50

Well everyone thinks you are being unreasonable. I agree. The teacher should not delay for you.

As a more productive thought, why don't you ask the school if you can take her to the office rather than the school line in the mornings. Then it doesn't matter if you are a minute or two late.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/03/2013 19:52

No, everyone doesn't.

Especially not those who read more than one page of the thread pingu.

hazeyjane · 06/03/2013 19:52

Um, Pingu, I don't think the op is being unreasonable.

cornycruzcampo · 06/03/2013 19:56

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all.
School could allow op's dd to start later, their class could go in last, a member of staff could meet dd and take her in...there are lots of perfectly reasonable options.

nomoreplease · 06/03/2013 19:59

It's your fault you are late not the teachers SN or no SN you should get your daughter to school on time and there would not be an issue. How you can think that the whole class should be held up because of YOUR lateness is beyond me!

cornycruzcampo · 06/03/2013 20:01

the OP does get her dd to school on time

hazeyjane · 06/03/2013 20:02

nomore, I don't understand how you can read the op's posts about how hard it is to get her dd to school, and then make that comment?!

YouTheCat · 06/03/2013 20:02

Oh god. Another one.

BeerTricksPotter · 06/03/2013 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

idshagphilspencer · 06/03/2013 20:03

oh ffs pingu rtft