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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/03/2013 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

idshagphilspencer · 06/03/2013 16:47

Did someone actually say that fanjo :(

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 16:48

I'd like to do a poll. Is there any parent on here who would have an issue with their child waiting an extra minute, twice a week (if that) for a child with ASD that can be seen making their way to the line?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/03/2013 16:55

yes apparently someone said that idshag :(

TantrumsAndBalloons · 06/03/2013 16:55

No. I would have no issue with my DCs waiting a few minutes for the ops dd. in fact if this was happening at ds2 school and I was aware of it, I would be speaking to the bloody teacher about it myself.

It's not difficult to wait 60 seconds in order to minimize distress to a child with SN.
It is difficult for me to understand why on earth anyone would think it's better for the ops dd to stand in the playground confused and upset.

AllYoursBabooshka · 06/03/2013 16:55

Absolutely not.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 06/03/2013 16:56

And, whoever the marvelous poster was who said that the OP was looking for "special treatment" due to her autism? Is that a problem then?

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 16:58

In that situation it would be absolute carnage changing the order, Mamma. Grin. If you had to walk through the Yr1 cloakroom to get to reception then it isn't a workable solution. I will admit I was envisioning a situation more like the schools I'v worked in where lines are next to each other close enough that you could talk to the teacher at the head of the next line. I can see how in an L shaped playground that could be difficult.

If however, the reason they won't hold the line is that they go in in age order holding the line for a minute would be so much simpler than many of the ideas suggested on this thread.

mumat39 · 06/03/2013 17:03

Hi OP

I hope you're feeling ok. It sounds like you had a tough morning!

MN can be a wonderful place of support, but I don't understand why on this particular section posters have to be quite so judgey pants about things. I'm sorry that instead of being given support, that you've been sort of flamed by the comments like, 'I have x no of kids and am never late'

For what it's worth, I think the teacher could maybe do things differently if he sees our daughter running across the playground to catch up with her class. Despite how she behaves in the morning, it's a good sign, I think, that she's so keen to catch up with the class. I think if there is a TA, then they could lead the class in and the teacher could follow on behind. That way he would be the last one to go in and by then hopefully your dd would have caught up. It doesn't seem like a big ask, and maybe makes sense so that the teacher can make sure all the kids are safely through the door, ESP as they are the youngest ones.

Otherwise, like someone else said, could you just take her in through to the classroom when she is a bit late, and then hand her over to the teacher she is used to. That way you could queue up behind whichever class is going in with her, and then maybe your Dd might find it a bit less stressful.

So many people have said it's your fault. Yes it is the parents responsibility, but to me it sounds like you're doing everything you can to ensure she gets to school on time, and you sound like a lovely, caring but obviously vey stressed mum.

The school need to help you with this, and if they can't or won't then please speak to your local authority family support services team about this. The school should be trying to help your dd by encouraging her to go into school happily. at the moment it doesn't sound like they're trying very hard.

Be kind to yourself, and try not to worry too much by what's been posted on here. Big hugs to you and your DD and I hope that she had a good day at school. (((()))) xxxx

CinnabarRed · 06/03/2013 17:08

No, I honestly wouldn't give a toss if asked to wait for a minute or two for a child with SN, a couple of times a week.

I might be a bit less charitable if I didn't know that the child had SN. But I hope I would have worked it out by now, based on the OP's description of the DD's reaction to missing her line.

CinnabarRed · 06/03/2013 17:10

Actually, come to think of it, I very much doubt I would even notice the line being held for a minute or so to allow the OP's DD to catch up.

BridgetBidet · 06/03/2013 17:13

Akaemmafrost. I've read the OPs posts about the problems she faces in the morning and knowing that I wouldn't mind.

But I was thinking from the point of view of a parent in the playground who didn't know this. It's unfair but unfortunately this is happening in front of the whole school and a lot of parents and children are going to have the perception that this is the child who lives two doors away but is never on time and has everyone waiting around for her. And I really don't think it's fair for her to be exposed to this. Look at the flaming the OP got at the start of the thread, a lot of people at her school will be thinking the same thing.

I don't want to be unkind to the OP but I think it is naive to tell her that in the real world everybody is going to be understanding and say they don't mind that a member of their child's class turns up late every day and they have to wait around for them.

I think it would be much kinder to sort a way out of dealing with this problem that doesn't involve her having attention drawn to her in front of the whole school

TantrumsAndBalloons · 06/03/2013 17:17

But attention is being drawn to her anyone as a result of missing her line.

Would people not put 2&2 together and realise that there may be other issues, rather than just the OP being late all the time?

HelpOneAnother · 06/03/2013 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stoatie · 06/03/2013 17:25

OP

Have you tried talking to teacher (if they don't listen go higher) and explain the effect on your DD if she misses the line up, and also that you aim to get to school for 0845 (because earlier might be unsafe for DD) but that unexpected things (like the litter or motorcycle) can delay you significantly.

Because when school have the whole picture then surely they can work out the best course of action - whereas at present they might assume (esp as you live close to school) that you are late because you can't be bothered etc which is blatantly not the case

Hope you can work it out soon

unitarian · 06/03/2013 17:35

I've skipped the last several posts so apologise if this has been said. I've read enough to realise the OP is not being unreasonable. She has a genuine dilemma.

Being late is making DD distressed and her distress is helping to make her late - a repetitive cycle. There is a strong chance that she continues to be distressed in school after she has been late.
But she enjoys being at the back of her own class line going into school on time.

There is therefore an incentive for her to cooperate with the morning routine and get there in time to participate in this pleasurable bit. The pleasure of getting into line on time each day might then over-ride the distraction of aeroplanes, litter etc. - replacing an unhelpful obsession with a beneficial one.

Hopefully then if the school day starts smoothly with a happy entry to the building then the rest should fall into place but it seems to me that she does need more in-school support than she's getting.

Jux · 06/03/2013 17:40

OP, I wonder if the school would allow you to have access to the playground early? Then you aim for arriving earlier, and when successful, wait safely.

I wonder if the school could organise a posse of children (on a rota) responsible for picking up litter? Before people throw their hands up in horror, most primary schools get the kids doing litter patrols on a regular basis.

I think a sticker chart or velcro list may be very helpful in the mornings. Add an extra special one every day for getting to school in time to go in with her class, so learning to ignore litter or to stop getting distracted. Planes and bikes which frighten her call for a different approach though. The SN board can help you there.

Or perhaps you could spend a week or so going in with her so she learns it's OK to do it without her class and teacher, and then a bit of time generalising that learning, then moving it on so that she feels OK going in by herself and so on. Small steps eh? Talk to the school about how best to effect it, if you decide to do this.

Good luck.

AllYoursBabooshka · 06/03/2013 17:40

I would actually be really disappointed in DSs school if I found out this was happening.

Our children are in school a long time and there is always a possibility that they could face some struggles of their own. I would hope that they would do everything they could to help.

Lets face it, a teacher waiting two minutes twice a week isn't exactly going above and beyond.

wedwose · 06/03/2013 17:57

merrymarigold why should anyone speak to the teacher? it's not his fault. if op is being truthful, on the occasions this happens, she is less than 5 minutes late - easy answer: get up 10 mins earlier, as another poster said this will give some wiggle room. really not good enough to be late 40% of the time and not yet worked out a strategy to deal with this, instead placing blame/responsibility on others. OP, yabu

AllYoursBabooshka · 06/03/2013 17:59

The OP is doing all she can wedwose.

Have you read her routine?

YouTheCat · 06/03/2013 18:02

I really hate when posters can't be bothered to read all the OP's posts. Why bother posting if you can't be bothered? Hmm

cory · 06/03/2013 18:02

And the RTFT emoticon comes out again for wedwos

idshagphilspencer · 06/03/2013 18:16

aaaaaagggghhhhjhj
RTFT x100000000000000000000

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 06/03/2013 18:25

I am sorry if I am repeating but would it perhaps be better on balance for you and dd to have an arrangement that you don't line up with rest of class but go thru the office and into class, so that this whole issue is avoided? I would class that as a minor modification to routine but surely better for everyone, but especially you and your dd, to avoid all this stress. I think the teaher could wait, yes, I think it is as much a lesson for others to learn to wait and be generous as for your dd to try to learn timekeeping.

This all sounds very hard work, can't be easy at all.

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 18:35

Cory, we definitely need a RTFT emoticon. I'm not I've ever read a thread where it's been this bad. There has to be at least one post on every single page where the poster hasn't read past the OP.

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