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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
TheOriginalSteamingNit · 06/03/2013 14:24

Logically, then, if you can't ensure that you'll never be late - for some very understandable reasons - and you can't, reasonably expect the teacher to hold the class up (as most of us think), and dd wouldn't respond well to going in through a different door, all that is left is to think of ways you are going to address the issue of her being upset about the other ways she can go in.

Other than moving schools or other more drastic solutions, that seems to me to be the area you can most reasonably work on. Not that I know how..

TantrumsAndBalloons · 06/03/2013 14:27

I feel very unhappy to think that this is a tiny snapshot of what parents with SN children go through on a daily basis.

I now totally unerstand why this is a seperate topic on Mumsnet because the amount of people who seem to think a SN 10 year old is the same as a toddler being a bit naughty is astounding.
People are still posting that the OP should get up earlier, take responsibility etc.

and X gets to school on time and he has SEN is not an indicator that every child in the world is the same.

The OP posted for help and support. And got this.

There are some ignorant people knocking around here.

Yfronts · 06/03/2013 14:27

You can't expect them to wait. establishing a new routine in the mornings is key.

Theycallmestacy · 06/03/2013 14:32

Have you tried a visual timetable with your morning routine on? Even for a verbal child they can be really useful. The are lots of free resources online with the appropriate symbols/pictures. She can flip over the pictures as she does each task it.

mrsstewpot · 06/03/2013 14:35

I think people are just stating their opinions (albeit some rather rudely on both sides of the fence) and as OP states in final paragraph, opinions are being sought.

I stand by my opinion that OP is being unreasonable to expect teacher to wait but am glad some helpful suggestions are also forthcoming.

MTSgroupie · 06/03/2013 14:38

Maybe it has been noted upthread but the poster is talking about being late by one minute.

If some mornings they are late by 15min or 30min or ... or .... because getting DC ready on some days is a massive task then I can understand that.

What I don't understand is the Just In Time school run strategy where there is no room for mislaid house keys or similar

TantrumsAndBalloons · 06/03/2013 14:41

And if you read the actual thread MTSgroupie, you might understand.

Inertia · 06/03/2013 14:42

MTS, I think the point is that for some children on the autistic spectrum a small change in routine can cause repercussions that take more than a couple of minutes to resolve. Being very early can also bring about its own hazards- and the OP states that she aims to time things to arrive at school just as the gates are unlocked, because waiting on the busy roadside carries its own dangers.

Inertia · 06/03/2013 14:43

Tantrums- much more concisely put!

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 14:44

I think after nearly 400 posts the opinion of you can't expect the teacher to hold the line has been done to death, so for people to keep posting it Is annoying and pointless. The thread has moved on

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 14:47

We can be bang on time and it will something like DS suddenly deciding he wants gloves even though he didn't when we left that can cause an issue. Go back for gloves and your late, say no to gloves and it's game over. (Although now we keep gloves whatever the weather in his book bag in case of emergencies!)

TheSeniorWrangler · 06/03/2013 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OBface · 06/03/2013 14:52

I do sort of see where MTS is coming from. I think I'd understand more if the time by which the OP is late varied from day to day (as do the reasons for her being late) than if it is by 1 minute everyday (which it is as she says they can always see her class going in).

This suggests to me that a rejig of the morning routine could help a lot and reduce the number of days they are late.

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 14:55

Cats, after 400 posts, I'm beginning to wonder why you can't expect the teacher hold the line. A PP said it would be hard to signal to another teacher to let their class go in first. In my experience it wouldn't. The OP isn't expecting the teacher to wait 10mins while they get to school. She's talking about a situation where her child is already in the playground making her way to the line.

Seems like a small and reasonable adjustment to me and will make everybody's day much easier.

Suzieismyname · 06/03/2013 14:59

I agree with SeniorWrangler. speak to the school and suggest you are allowed in to wait until you can go to the normal playground. best of luck.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 15:00

I entirely agree clay. If she's NOT there don't wait, but if he can see her coming hang on for thirty seconds. It's just a tiny adjustment that would alleviate the need for all the rather larger ones suggested on this thread.

hazeyjane · 06/03/2013 15:00

I don't think you are being entitled or unreasonable. I think that you need to work out a system with school that will make your dd's start to the school day smoother. Good luck, I hope you can work out a way.

WilsonFrickett · 06/03/2013 15:07

OP, I just saw your comment about school saying they've never had to deal with a child with autism before.

I don't believe them. I think they don't want to deal with children with autism. But I absolutely don't believe any school in the UK has never had an ASD child through its doors in the past 5 years. 1 in 80-odd DCs are on the spectrum. And 99% of them are in mainstream. Those maths just don't add up.

I think school are shilling you, tbh, and they are setting your daughter up to fail.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 15:08

My dd's teacher gave up her lunch hour for a week to sit with and ensure that dd ate her packed lunch at school as she was so anxious about older children being there she simply couldn't eat. I don't think hanging on an extra minute when it's clear that the OP's dd IS coming is that much of a deal. There have been suggestions of this child needing to be in a special school on this thread, all for the sake of allowing a SN child who is IN SIGHT the occasional extra minute to catch up.

Still18atheart · 06/03/2013 15:13

For the cereal problem, I wore an apron at breakfast. And wore a 'dirty jumper' at breakfast which i took off afterwards then put on school uniform jumper

TantrumsAndBalloons · 06/03/2013 15:14

I agree. It's not the same as holding the line for 5 minutes whilst all the latecomers arrive.
The teacher can clearly see this is a very big issue for the ops Dd. and like the OP says, by not doing this, it causes just as much delay and distraction to the other classes. So if he sees her coming across the playground, it doesn't seem totally unreasonable to wait 30 seconds.

INeverSaidThat · 06/03/2013 15:18

I haven't real all the posts to be fair there are a lot of them Grin

Firstly, OP have a Brew and [bunch]. It sounds like you have had a bad day. I hope the rest the week goes a whole lot better. Smile

Obviously this might be daft for your DD but I found my DC's (not SN) would be worse if they had too long to get ready. Extra sleep and a purposeful 'rush' worked best for us.

INeverSaidThat · 06/03/2013 15:18

Opps Blush I meant Thanks

DisAstrophe · 06/03/2013 15:20

OP if you can see that you are running late (and I can completely understand why that might happen) I would suggest you try another tactic.
I would agree with the school that you will make sure you arrive AFTER all the other children have gone in on those "late"days.

You can pre-prepare your dd for this so that on the day you can tell your dd that you will be late, reassure her that it will be ok. You can then then take her in yourself to the office where she will be delivered to the classroom.

She probably wont like the change to the routine but it will be a calmer way of going in a less stressful for you too.

BridgetBidet · 06/03/2013 15:30

Is it not possible that you could arrange with the school that she can always be late? For example could you arrange to take her to school after the playground has cleared and escort her straight to her classroom via the main entrance if necessary? Missing the first five minutes won't really matter, it's just the register.

This would mean just the children in the class who will be more understanding of the situation will see.

I just think it's really unfair on her that either the whole school has to wait for her or watch her have a meltdown, it can't make her life easy at school. And fairly or unfairly it is going to annoy the other children and parents if you only live two doors away so people are going to give her a hard time about it.

It would be much better to organize to take her in privately. She might like queuing up but if the only way for her to do it is to expose her to a situation where she's vulnerable to ridicule it might be easier to put up with a few meltdowns before she gets used to it.