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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 13:55

ASD manifests itself differently in every single child. Thats why its a spectrum. Theres countless symptoms of this condition and no two children will have the same combination of symptoms, triggers and issues. What will work for one will not work for another.

So to say well OTHER parents of children with ASD manage means nothing and is only useful in being a perfect example of the ignorance so many parents and children affected by ASD face on a daily basis.

coppertop · 06/03/2013 13:55

I think I might just repeat the following to save banging my head against the nearest wall repeatedly:

  1. Not all children with ASD are the same. Just because other children can get into school on time, it doesn't follow that all children with ASD can.

  2. Getting an NT child to school (whether a stroppy toddler or older) is not in the same league as getting a child with ASD to school if they feel that something is 'wrong'.

Owllady · 06/03/2013 13:58

I have only skim read but I would speak to the headteacher/senco or family liaison officer and try to get something in place so that the routine is the same every morning for your daughter. Given she has issues with routine and a diagnosis I am pretty sure they will be accommodating and if they aren't I would consider whether the school was the right environment tbh. Most schools worth their ounce of salt will make life as straightforward for those with problems/issues. My daughter has severe SN and if she is off school i have issues with dropping my youngest off at school as she cannot cope with the crowds etc but even his school have accommodated that he can be dropped off later and picked up earlier. They even come out to the car to fetch him, god love em

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 13:59

You are absolutely correct in saying that amillionyears. Also these needs vary from day to day especially in ASD so no amount of advice, intervention and adjustments will work ALL of the time for a child affected by it.

Fillyjonk75 · 06/03/2013 13:59

"Others get a child with ASD to school on time, why can't the OP"

If she gets up at 5.30am, what time do people suggest she gets up? Or just not bother with sleep at all?

amillionyears · 06/03/2013 14:00

yep, I thought it was sad the children with SN are in a sepcial section on MN
Now I can totally see why that is.
SN parents, what you have to go through from other adults is astounding. Thanks

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 14:01

Yes it's relentless.

Inertia · 06/03/2013 14:07

Without being harsh towards you, I think the knock-on effects of your DD's class teacher waiting would have quite an impact on everybody else getting in. But on the other hand, I completely understand that your DD's issues mean that lateness is sometimes unavoidable.

A couple of ideas...

-Take DD in to main reception where she can be collected by the TA for her class, so the time of her arrival is less critical.

  • Alternatively, find out which class goes in last, and arrange with the school that if you are late your daughter has special permission to go in with that class, making your sure that DD knows and recognises the teacher so she is comfortable that she has permission to go with them .
  • Some kind of 5 minute reward e.g. a dvd or cartoon which lasts exactly 5 minutes, to be watched at 8.30 as long as she has her coat and shoes on, and you leave the instant it's over so it's all very predictable.
  • A checklist of things that are on your route to spot on the way- I know some TAs working with children with autism who use laminated cards on a keyring (so e.g. shut the front door- turn that card over; get to the end of the garden- turn the card over; walk past number 27- turn the card over etc). If she is focussed on that, she might not be so readily distracted by litter etc.
  • Get dressed before breakfast, get a special breakfast dressing gown that can quickly be removed after breakfast.

I really would look into whether the possibility of TA support is there- just from the point of view that school routines can change, and given your descriptions above it might help your DD if there is an adult that she knows will always be there to support her.

rodandtheemu · 06/03/2013 14:07

cory its not rocket science Confused

BumpingFuglies · 06/03/2013 14:07

OP, sorry for my lack of understanding at the start of this thread. I see now what you are up against. I sincerely hope you can find a solution and that you get all the support you need. Thanks

OBface · 06/03/2013 14:08

Cory - my comment doesn't really apply to this post, from what OP has said her daughter only has minor issues and should quite rightly be kept in mainstream schooling. In an ideal world all children would be educated in the environment best suited to their needs so that a child that the child I described above can be managed in a school with similar children and those with more severe difficulties in a school to meet their very particular needs elsewhere.

I truly believe a couple of tweaks to her morning routine would do the trick in most (but not all) of the circumstances the OP described i.e. eating breakfast in pyjamas to avoid mess, not getting ready at the last minute. But on the rare occasions this can't happen there should be an arrangement with the school that the OP's DD is fully aware.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/03/2013 14:09

Cory - would a 'reasonable adjustment' be for the school to make the OP's dd's class the last class to go into school? That would give the OP a bit more flex, plus, if she still was late, her dd would not be having problems at the door because of the other classes going in.

If the school could do this, it shouldn't impact on the other children in the class because, presumably, the last class to go in still does so early enough to get into the classroom on time.

If added to some of the other good advice from this thread, on how to best manage the morning routine before school, this might make life easier for the OP and her dd.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/03/2013 14:10

Grr - pressed post too soon - I meant to say that changing the morning routine might help the OP get her dd to school early/on time more often, but there would be a safety net, with the class going in last, in case they were unavoidably late.

OBface · 06/03/2013 14:10

Inertia, I would be very surprised if TA support is possible. From what OP has said her DD only has minor issues and would therefore not be statemented. I could be wrong though.

Lancelottie · 06/03/2013 14:10

Rod, frankly, rocket science is a damn sight easier than handling meltdowns.

Rockets on the whole go as calculated.

OBface · 06/03/2013 14:12

I should mention that my comment above refers to one to one TA help within the classroom and not that a TA couldn't help settle OP's DD into a routine coming into school in the mornings.

Lancelottie · 06/03/2013 14:12

OBface, i rather think the OP is still at the stage where she knows her daughter so very, very well and loves her so much that all the issues seem fairly minor. We minimised for years.

But ASD can be bloody hard on a child in the wider world, and the issues she has described are not minor at all.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 14:12

OB yes would be very hard to get a statement. It's something I am dealing with at the moment.

Lancelottie · 06/03/2013 14:14

AKAemma: good luck. We got the statement in the end for the anxiety more than for the ASD. Now if he'd had better help earlier, possibly the anxiety would never have hit the peaks that it did, and he would have remained un-statemented and unhelped.

It's a bugger sometimes, isn't it?

OP -- get up later. Otherwise I can't see how you are getting enough sleep to cope.

OBface · 06/03/2013 14:17

Akaemma - good luck, I know how very difficult it can be.

Inertia · 06/03/2013 14:19

OBface- I think it is very dependent on exactly what the issues are, and what provision is available where OP lives. It could be worth investigating with the school's SENCO- even it is only to arrange some reallocation of an existing TA's time. I do work in this field , and know of children with similar issues and other non-spectrum related issues that have their own TA support.

MammaMedusa · 06/03/2013 14:21

I think there are many possible solutions to this problem, many of which people have suggested.

I do NOT think the teacher waiting is one of them - him deciding to wait, and then signalling to all the other teachers to go ahead, etc, that is just too hard.

If I were you, and if you can't improve your own morning routine to be on time, then I would see if you could have a calm meeting to come up with a strategy with the school. Her class going in last, or her having an assigned "late arrival" place to wait seem possible strategies that don't disrupt the rest of the school.

OBface · 06/03/2013 14:23

I hope the provision is there for the OP but in my experience it is a battlefield getting the appropriate statement. As I say though I hope I am wrong.

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 14:23

Lancelottie I totally agree with you. I consider ds's asd mild, because quite frankly to me he is an absolute delight and if we existed in a bubble away from the rest of the world there is not one thing I would change (well may be not one thing!) but actually in reality and in comparison to his peers his needs are quite moderate, I'm so use to making tiny adjustments in everyday life that I often don't realise that the way we function as a family constantly flexes to meet his needs as often the adjustments are really very tiny but make a significant difference to how he copes.

If only everyone could just bend a little, be a bit more flexible then maybe life would be easier all round.

kelda · 06/03/2013 14:23

Agree with what a previous poster has said - get up later.

Getting up at 5.30 and spending more then three hours getting ready in the morning means that all efficiency and organisation is lost because you are just too tired.