Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
cory · 06/03/2013 13:21

Ignoring the ignorant posts, OP, I think there are a couple of things you must do.

First, I think you need to make a mental review of your dd's situation. She has a diagnosis, she probably will be able to function ok in mainstream but it will need adjustments both from you and the school, and you probably need to accept that in some ways she will look and feel different from the other children. Try to get a list of potential scenarios in your head and work out which is going to be the least upsetting for your dd.

Then have a meeting with the school SENCO and discuss solutions. Go in with an open mind, hang onto the expression Reasonable Adjustments. The school are not obliged to upset their whole day to meet your dd's needs, but they are obliged by law to make minor, reasonable adjustments to make her day easier. And they have a legal obligation to think about adjustments that can be made in any one situation involving SN.

OBface · 06/03/2013 13:23

Well yes there are and it's something I manage but as I said up thread we don't have the locked school gate issue or the formal line up at the beginning of the day so it is far easier for us to avoid the OP's situation.

But they live 2 doors away so could be ready but watching TV until the time comes to walk to school. The OP mentioned in a post that her DD enjoyed taking her place in the formal line and didn't want to change the routine from this as a result.

cory · 06/03/2013 13:26

rodandtheemu, I don't think any of us are disputing that the OP does need to be proactive and work with the school.

But I can also remember what an enormous mental adjustment it was to accept that my dd had to be different, that she couldn't have what the other children were having, that we always had to be making difficult choices where other children could have it all. That took years for me to get my head round.

And in retrospect there were times when I rejected advice that might have worked- and times when I persisted in following advice that proved absolutely disastrous.

It's a bloody hard road to climb and if the OP is struggling mentally with that, then I for one understand it.

Hulababy · 06/03/2013 13:26

Can you speak to the teacher and the school about possible solutions, from both of your pov?

Would it work for your DD to have a "special" job - such as always being the last child in through the door and her job is to make sure it is shut - the last teacher in/caretaker may be able to supervise this. And then she goes to her class? If the teacher tells her to do this - would she then feel she could? Or teacher tells her that you can go with her?

Does the class have a TA or LSA who could help?

Ninetyninepercent · 06/03/2013 13:27

Brew for you op

I don't have any experience but I would speak to the school and their Senco to see ways in which they could help (sounds for you like there is almost an inevitability about it and tbh with all the obstacles and issues you have in the morning I reckon I would be late by far more than 5min if that was my morning!). Maybe a different entrance if she's late or just all the time so that that is a calm and consistent entry for her. Whilst it would be nice if the teacher could wait given it could just be matters of seconds, I don't think that's a viable option really long term. And it sounds like its a long term helpful approach that is needed. And if she's fine generally in school and this is the biggest flashpoint at the moment then I'd speak to the school and try and find a workable solution for all.

Does your dd have 1:1 support at school or a TA who she generally works with? Could that person help out in the mornings?

Sending calm morning vibes to you and your DD. (As an aside some threads, like this one, I find really eye opening about the difficulties faced by others. First thought just get up earlier....but your already up at 530!! Makes me a lot less judgemental.)

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 13:28

Yes they could be ready watching TV, that doesn't prevent a meltdown on the way to school over something seemingly minor. Take 20mins to sort that out and you're still late even though you were ready on time and left on time or early.

aderynlas · 06/03/2013 13:30

I used to walk a little lad to school and he was often upset either he didnt want his mum to leave him or he just didnt want to put on his shoes, walk or even go out the door. I used to hate seeing him starting his school day crying. Tried all sorts of things and eventually found that a story about a pirate that only began as we left the house kept him interested till we got to the school gates. Have a word with the school op, and good luck to you and dd Thanks.

rodandtheemu · 06/03/2013 13:32

cory so while Op gets her head around her dd situation, her daughter in the meantime in struggling. I think her struggling to get her head around it is best done at home after dd has got in to school on time.

rodandtheemu · 06/03/2013 13:34

aderynlas thats lovely and very thoughtful.

OBface · 06/03/2013 13:37

But this sort of illustrates the point - I can't see a child that is that volatile so as to regularly (on a twice weekly basis) have a meltdown whilst watching tv being able to cope well in mainstream schooling. It does sound like this is the only option for many people (entirely entirely wrong, should be much better provision) but from the OPs posts it sounds like the triggers for this sort of behaviour are getting dressed and eating breakfast rather than activities such as reading, drawing or watching tv. As the OP said herself, her DD has only mild issues and many other families manage similar situations without being late.

aderynlas · 06/03/2013 13:39

The funny thing is, rodandtheemu, this little boy is now a policeman and whenever I see him he laughs and says he got a taste for adventure from all the pirate stories.

giraffesCantDateDucks · 06/03/2013 13:41

If it is only one minute late you are then start getting ready one minute earlier

rodandtheemu · 06/03/2013 13:41

aderynlas -- can you walk me to work? Wink you sound lovely x

LaQueen · 06/03/2013 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 06/03/2013 13:44

OBface Wed 06-Mar-13 13:37:50
"But this sort of illustrates the point - I can't see a child that is that volatile so as to regularly (on a twice weekly basis) have a meltdown whilst watching tv being able to cope well in mainstream schooling. "

Is there any reason to believe that the child would cope better in a special school surrounded by very severely disabled children, where the teaching would be on a different and (for her) wholly inappropriate level?

One of the hardest things about SN is that saying "this is unacceptable" doesn't actually magic up a better alternative; it may still be that an unacceptable alternative is better than other even more unacceptable alternatives.

cory · 06/03/2013 13:47

LaQueen, I hope when you worked in those schools you bothered to read the medical evidence.

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 13:49

Sorry, I might not have been clear. I didn't mean while watching TV, I meant whilst walking to school, for example the incident with the motor bike, or having to pick up litter. Things like that can make a walk to a school 2 doors away take longer than you think it would and are not predictable. As an ex-KS1 teacher I know that very simple adjustments can be made that make life easier and enable children with high functioning ASD to cope better with life in mainstream education.

LaQueen · 06/03/2013 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 06/03/2013 13:50

I think this is going to be one of those threads where at least 25% of the posts will be asking "Have you actually read the whole thread?"

I'm starting to see why so many people stay on the SN board.

cory · 06/03/2013 13:50

rodandtheemu Wed 06-Mar-13 13:32:52
"cory so while Op gets her head around her dd situation, her daughter in the meantime in struggling. I think her struggling to get her head around it is best done at home after dd has got in to school on time. "

Seeing that the advice on this thread is fairly contradictory and some of it frankly unworkable, I think we might allow the OP a short breathing space while she sorts the wheat from the chaff.

amillionyears · 06/03/2013 13:50

Am I right in thinking that every SN child is different.

And that there may never be a perfect solution to this problem.

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Sallystyle · 06/03/2013 13:52

OP, to start with I got the impression that you were being very unreasonable and I think most people assumed the reasons for your lateness were due to your lack of organisation skills. As you posted more it became much clearer that you do get up early enough and can't predict the things that will set your child off. If that was all said in the OP I don't think you would have got so many harsh comments. You said her issues are very mild but they don't appear to be if you have so much trouble getting her into school on time.

I have a child with ASD so I know how tough it can be, I also have to get four other children to school on time. Thankfully, my ASD child is 11 and panics about being late himself but if he didn't I would have a hell of a job too.

You definitely need to work with the school on this and leaving earlier seems like a good idea if that works for your daughter. It won't be fun if you are early and have to wait around for 10 minutes but I would rather do that, personally.

You have got a lot of good advice here so I just wanted to pop on to wish you luck with coming up with solutions :)

cory · 06/03/2013 13:53

LaQueen Wed 06-Mar-13 13:50:12
"It wasn't me who gave short schrift cory. That was for the teachers..."

Happened in dd's school too. The GP and the paediatrician and all the rest of them couldn't believe that they could keep on for years sending in more and more medical evidence for the school to still keep claiming that they knew nothing about it. Bit like this thread, really....

Where is the point in posting "get up earlier" when the thread is full of posts pointing out to other posters that the OP has already stated that she gets up at 5.30 and has all the school stuff laid out the night before?

amillionyears · 06/03/2013 13:53

It may not be possible for any mum whatsoever to get this particular child to school on time very frequently.