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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I'm probably being entitled/unreasonable, but should the teacher wait on my child?

999 replies

WhenIsBedtime · 06/03/2013 09:59

My child has high functioning autism. Attends a mainstream school. Her issues are very mild. No need for an assistant or anything.

The way it works in the school yard each morning is this:

Bell goes at 9am.
All children run to their class marks and line up.
Class teachers come out, and guide them into the building, starting with the youngest to the oldest class.

My child is in the youngest class.

Perhaps once or twice a week, we're a few minutes late. The bell has already gone and her class has lined up by the time we reach the yard. However, we're never so late that her class has already gone inside by the time we arrive. We can always see them.

The entrance gate is at the other end of the huge yard from where the children line up.

On our late days, as we arrive at the gate, the teacher has already came out. He can see my dd running towards the line, but he decides to take the class inside anyway, without waiting on her.

By the time my (very slow) daughter reaches the place her class lines up, they are already inside the building, and the other classes are going inside.

My daughter then gets really upset as she doesn't understand it's okay to go through the door without her own teacher or class. She doesn't understand she should just run ahead of the next class going in, or even join their line instead. Parents aren't normally allowed in the yard. But when this happens, i run in to her and try and convince her to go into the building. But she says "No, I'm waiting on Mr Teacher and my class."

The teacher from an older class then takes her inside for me instead.

I realise such upset/confusion for my child wouldn't happen if i was there with her before 9am every day, but lateness does happen. And other children usually run into the yard up to five minutes late, behind us, but they quite happily join on the back of another class's line. Whereas my daughter won't without a heck of a lot of protest and causing a scene.

Personally (and here's where i'm probably being unreasonable), I think dd's teacher should wait on her if he sees dd running towards him and her class in the yard. It takes no more than a minute for her to run across the yard from the gate.

Obviously, if we weren't at the gate by the time he came out to greet the class, or if we were very late, i wouldn't expect him to wait. But when he can see dd at the other end of the yard, why can't he just wait? Thus avoiding her getting upset and confused?

I've spoken to him about it before, and he says that because his class is the youngest, and goes inside first, if he was to wait, it would delay all the other classes, and it would mean he'd have to occupy his own class for an additional minute.

Just wanted to add, that the children never have to wait outside in adverse weather conditions. They're able to go straight into the building on these days, rather than line up outside and wait on a teacher.

I just don't get why he can't wait an extra minute on dd, yet it's okay for him to be several minutes late on occassion, leaving his class waiting outside, holding up the other classes.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm probably just being precious/unreasonable, but i'd appreciate some opinions.

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 06/03/2013 13:04

Totally unreasonable. Why should they cater for your poor timekeeping?

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 13:04

X posts. Seriously, Special ed for being less than 5 mins late 1-2 times a week.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 13:05

Agree Cory takes hours to recover after these episodes and she will then be right on the edge for days afterwards. Once something has triggered and she's had one of these meltdowns I know we can expect a flurry of them for the next few days until I can help her reduce her stress and anxiety to manageable levels again.

cory · 06/03/2013 13:05

"And if these tasks can't be completed in a timely fashion then I would perhaps suggest that mainstream schooling isn't appropriate for OPs child. "

And where are the taxpayers willing to pay for all the special schools for all the children on the high functioning end of the autistic spectrum??? Where are the schools???

Dd's HT made similar suggestions re her physical disability though he knew perfectly well that the only special schools around here cater for children with severe learning difficulties and would absolutely refuse to take a child like dd.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 13:06

Are you another that only read the OP thefallenninja?

OBface · 06/03/2013 13:07

I've cross posted with quite a few of you so sorry!

I accept then that it is not possible to force a 6 year old to get dressed. But the question remains, if it takes up to an hour to complete such a task is mainstream education appropriate? What happens after PE lessons?

I'm not suggesting that this is the case for the OP but feel more structure would be the key. There must be many parents of similar children who manage to get their children to school on time.

fabulousathome · 06/03/2013 13:07

OP would she respond to a timetable at home e.g. 7am get up, 7.05 go downstairs to breakfast, 7.30am finish breakfast and go upstairs to put on uniform and so on? Or would that make it all worse!

Catchingmockingbirds · 06/03/2013 13:07

I would perhaps suggest that mainstream schooling isn't appropriate for OPs child.

A place at a special school or in an autistic spectrum base is very expensive, I'd be very surprised if a place for op's dd was funded on the basis of her not being able to cope with being a few minutes late for school. If you know of a special school that will fund on this basis please let me know OB so I can move my DS there.

OBface · 06/03/2013 13:09

Clary - not special ed for being 5 minutes late. Special ed if there are insurmountable issues that result in being 5 minutes late on a regular basis.

cory · 06/03/2013 13:09

"But the question remains, if it takes up to an hour to complete such a task is mainstream education appropriate?"

What are the alternatives? It is very difficult to get specialist school places even for children who are non-verbal or who cannot interact with other children at all. Specialist schools are expensive. Do you really believe the current economic and mental climate is one where we can start asking for more specialist provision for fairly minor problems?

stargirl1701 · 06/03/2013 13:10

Right. You have a choice. You either accept that your child is going to be late and discuss with the school how that is going to be managed. For example, she always, late or not, comes in the main door through the office. Her routine is adapted due to her ASN.

Or, you get her to school in time.

The whole school cannot wait on one child.

coppertop · 06/03/2013 13:10

I'd love to live in this magical land where children with ASD are as easy to manage as a stroppy toddler, and have a place in a special school as soon as they need one.

Catchingmockingbirds · 06/03/2013 13:10

What happens after PE lessons?

There are a lot of alternatives for PE, my son wears a polo shirt on PE days, and will do PE in his school trousers with his jumper off, then wear that for the rest of the day. You're very naive wrt being able to chose between a mainstream and special school place ob.

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 13:10

Sorry OBface but you really don't have any understanding of this issue at all and suggesting because the OP's dd has struggles with the routine of getting to school on time means she should not be in a mainstream is spectacularly clueless.

Sazzle41 · 06/03/2013 13:11

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akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 13:12

No mainstream probably is not appropriate but there is literally NO provision for High Functioning Autistic children in many areas. I am in London and even here there is nothing suitable for ds. I have to Home Educate him. Why do you think so many of us are going through this? And then of course if there IS a suitable placement well then you need to get started on the LEA agreeing to it and giving you the funding, these children are falling through the holes in the system every day, it's a shocking state of affairs. The lower on the spectrum you are the more help you get. High functioning autistic children's difficulties are no different they just APPEAR less so.

akaemmafrost · 06/03/2013 13:13

What a TWATTISH post Sazzle even putting aside the fact that you have only read the OP!

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 06/03/2013 13:15

OP.

Speak to the head teacher. I'm sure that as your DD has SN they will let you in early via another entrance.

That way you can aim to be at school early without waiting in the street. You can wait with your DD until 0845 so no insurance issues. When the main gate opens walk your DD around to the main gate and she can line up and go in as normal. That way you can build more leeway into your morning, and DD gets to line up with the others. You might be early, but you are less likely to be late.

Seems to me the only thing that is wrong with your morning routine is that the school is forcing you to have to drop off on time rather than early.

OBface · 06/03/2013 13:16

Fair enough mainstream education is probably appropriate but I do think getting to school on time is achievable, especially living so close. Who is your child under from a healthcare/special ed point of view? Can they offer any help in implementing some strategies for the morning?

Catsdontcare · 06/03/2013 13:16

"There must be many parents of similar children who manage to get their children to school on time?"

Well yes there are and it's something I manage but as I said up thread we don't have the locked school gate issue or the formal line up at the beginning of the day so it is far easier for us to avoid the OP's situation.

cory · 06/03/2013 13:16

Sazzle, when the OP said her dd's problems were mild, she meant in terms of the total range of the autistic spectrum: bearing in mind that some autistic people are non-verbal and lack the means to communicate altogether. Compared to these, the problems are indeed mild. This does not mean that you can compare her to a child who is not on the spectrum at all.

ClayDavis · 06/03/2013 13:18

But it's not an insurmountable issue. And by the sounds of it, unless she has a meltdown over going into school when the line isn't there she's never late enough to miss the register. Whilst the OP's DD is obviously affected by her ASD on a day today basis, everything she's posted so far can be dealt with in a mainstream school with some simple, reasonable adjustments.

rodandtheemu · 06/03/2013 13:18

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ISeeSmallPeople · 06/03/2013 13:19

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OBface · 06/03/2013 13:19

From what you say provision is woefully lacking. Good luck in getting the support you need OP. I do think there are things you can do to help with your morning routine but I hope you can come to an arrangement with the school for those days you can't manage it.