Upset by friends facebook status - I know I probably am but find it genuienely distressing!

[RoseGarden123]

Saw friends facebook status about leaving her 6 week old DS to CIO to get him onto a healthy routine. this baby was born 4 weeks early. I text her to see if everything was ok. When she said she couldn't deal with doing the CIO but thought it was the best thing to establish a routine early ,I sent her a link to some info which I said had found really helpful in the early days. I'll admit the link was to some unconditional/ AP type parenting approach, her response was she didn't go in for the 'hippy' stuff and she wanted to make sure that her DS knew who was boss from day one and wasn't going to 'win' and after 3 hours he had gone to sleep.
I am not upset at all about her rejecting the info link, I sent it very tactfully and everyone chooses their own path in parenting but seriously CIO with a prem 6 week old, am I completely off the mark when I think this is very upsetting and worrying?!

Sounds like the mother is possibly depressed and needs help assessing her situation instead of leaving her baby to cry. What a lazy approach to motherhood. She is obviously not thinking clearly.

I never left any of my dc to cio and I certainly don't believe for a minute that ops friend did either.

More a case of sour grapes from the op when her advice was rejected.

But, I certainly won't buy into the mass hysteria on this thread and am amazed at the lack of common sense and ability to read between the lines at what op has written.

What do you think now ?

45 mins and 30 mins twice did no harm I'm sure, but I am staggered that there are still people around that think it is ok to routinely do this. Self selling is the best way to her babies to sleep once they are a bit older. At the beginning the best way is for them to be constantly near their families IMO.

I do remember how hard it was first time round with all the conflicting advice but I think my instinct was to keep my ds1 close and have lots of cuddles, I couldn't listen to any newborn crying for 10 mins never mind 3 hours. I am really not the sappy type either. As someone else said, the trick is to shift control as they get older. My older dc are now quite happy to go to childcare while I am working etc and know we crack the whip with homework etc. but I think they know, from small, that I they need us (fall over, sick at school etc) we will drop everything and be there,

I haven't done everything right but in glad they have the confidence to start going out into the world, knowing we are there for them in the background. Not saying one or two controlled crying episodes would have changed this bit routinely doing it might have done.

Self settling

So he is 2 weeks old corrected? And she is doing CIO? With a baby who isn't even aware he & his motehr are separate beings yet?

I am usually of the "let them do what is best for them" camp, wrt parenting, but this is cruel & will just teach the baby that no one comes when he needs them.

2 weeks, way too early!

a baby who isn't even aware he & his motehr are separate beings yet

Oft cited on MN, but how do they actually know this? I mean, how do they know that babies are even conscious that they were ever part of their mothers? That would be some deduction really, wouldn't it?

I'm not even sure a 6 week old baby would cry for 3 hours, I left my 8 week old ds happily playing under the baby gym and went for a very quick shower (I couldn't hear him because of the water) I came back to find him all red with tears all over his face but quiet he had obviously been crying but had stopped, I had been away for 6 or 7 mins and he had given up crying (poor baby, I called my mum saying I think babyhoney has learnt that no one comes when he cries, she told me to stop being silly)

I couldn't physically listen to a baby crying for more than a couple of moments before milk would start soaking through my top, since becoming a mum it physically hurts when ds cries, I am not sure if I am normal and it is abnormal to be able to listen to a baby crying or the other way round.

having said that op i think yabu, there are babies starving to death to worry about. Many people were left to cry as babies.

Shocking if it actually happened. Facebook isnt real life. This thread is horrible.

And the baby isn't 2 weeks corrected. 37 weeks is term.

I don't think this thread should be removed just because some people seem to think that ruling by control is an acceptable way to parent.

OP I hope by real life support you have contacted her HV team.

Cool your fucking jets Miaow. No need to vent your ire at the OP, she ISN'T the one casting aspersions on her friend - it's the rest of us that are disgusted that a 6 week old baby is being left to cry for 3 hours.

The OP thought se was helping. From her own post she didn't send them bollocksy propaganda for their preferred parenting fad and then come on here for 8 pages of witch hunting. She her friend and her friend agreed:

I asked her if she wanted the link, didn't force it on her and really not fussed that this isn't for her. I am concerned for her and her approach

You are ranting at the wrong person.

Thebody - of course I am entitled to say I feel cio should be banned.

Just like as a society we decided smacking should be illegal we can discuss discipline techniques - eg cio to discipline sleep in a baby and draw a line at what is and is not acceptable - perhaps a minimum age for cio.

As it is it gets the go ahead to do in such a young baby eg before 4-6months as there are no guidelines - just advice.

In a discussion re cio in a young baby I am allowed to state my opinion just as you are yours -I haven't attacked the mother.

'Facebook isn't real life'?? If you mean it is life in an exagerrated form, well yes it often is but not for all, especially the thick ones who use it to update every last minute of their life, almost as it happens. If she is using FB to boast about her exemplar parenting than she is of a mindset that is worrying to say the least. Either scenarios are not good.

Miaow, I'm not sure why you are in disbelief that people are horrified to hear about this method being used on a small baby. Some people FEEL compassion for fellow human beings that are small, vulnerable and don't have a voice in this situation other than the NATURAL one of crying but that is/has been ignored. It seems by all accounts that she is trying to be a friend to this woman but she has ignored the advice for whatever reasons. If she was clueless you might have a point but she's not. As I said before she is an adult she can make decisions, choices as to how this works out. The baby has no choice. She is abusing her position as a parent.

honeytea, in leaving a newborn to cry for 3 hours she WOULD be starving the baby- that is the whole point. Your baby may not cry beyond 7 minutes but babies are all different just like adult human beings. People seem to forget that babies are human beings when they're banging on about the Mothers' rights. They're not little puppies to be trained in knowing who is boss.

If people don't like to hear the truth about their shit decisions then that's their problem, you have to deal with the truth when you're an adult even if it hurts.

I personally don't want a MN that has censored debate to this extent. People cry, 'nastiness' well wake up people it is pretty fucking nasty leaving a baby to cry for 3 hrs and then boasting about it.

Well said, Goldenbear.

I dont believe the baby was left for 3 straight hours.

CIO isn't my thing but I wouldn't be 'worried' or 'concerned' if anyone else was doing this. Unless there were other indicators of actual neglect of course.

Not going to read all 8 pages of comments, but yes this makes me very sad that a new mother would leave their newborn to cry for that long. What was she doing during this time? Was she there beside the baby, soothing, rocking, trying to calm him down? Did she keep going back to try and settle him? Or was it shut the door and leave him to it until he passes out from exhaustion? Really hope not the latter as for 3 hours that's not CIO that's neglect.

BUT it also sounds very much like this new mother is not coping. It sounds like PND or the beginnings of. I really struggled with my second baby. She didn't nap at all during the day and would spend most of her waking hours screaming. I felt like I was going snap as whatever I tried she wouldn't sleep. On one occasion when she was about 10 weeks old (when I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down) I left her in her cot for about 45mins and cried as she cried. I hoped and hoped she would fall asleep. She didn't. I felt utterly ashamed of myself (and now looking at my beautiful and happy 7mo I can't believe I did it to her ) and never did it again. But that was at a point when I felt like I couldn't cope and was at rock bottom and it was sheer desperation. Could this be how this mum is feeling??

I'm not totally against CIO as for some babies it works. But I think they need to be a few MONTHS old not a few weeks. I actually did do it with my first baby when he was about 4 months old because he got it. I only left him for 15mins and that was the longest I ever had to do it for. For him, it worked. For my DD it didn't and I knew that it was never going to work with her so I did a different approach.

Miaow you're so right to consider this mother might already be dealing with all sorts of complex emotions due to the baby arriving early.

Also really like your biscuit barrel comment. Very insightful.

Well Miaow, I can't get this out of my head today at all. I keep coming back to this thread, both literally and figuratively. I can't comprehend leaving such a tiny infant to cry for such an extended period. It's just wrong. I hope the OP contacted the HV so support can be offered - emotional and/or parenting support.

And, I've had no biscuits.

Some of us are probably crying about it. It makes me want to cry certainly though I haven't. But it is making me feel really sad and wanting to DO something about the situation.

What relevance does it even have, whether people are crying about it or not? So what?

Three hours is too long and six weeks is far to young, BUT when Everyone around you has stories of ten /11/12 month old babies who don't sleep and feed all day and night it's understandable that some will be determined not have their baby do that.

I'm sure three hours was an exaggeration and if it wasn't then you won't be the only one who will be saying things to her. I think the AP Link was a bit ott perhaps done middle ground advice would have gone down better. I hope she doesn't continue to leave that baby crying at such a young age but there's probably alot more too it than what she posted. God knows after trying hours of cuddling feeding , calpol, sshing patting etc eith no success I have on occasion gone sod it given them s few kind and viola asleep. I don't believe that she did nothing for three hours no ones that heartless.

A few mins- iPhone fail

Some people sadly are that heartless which is why we have a neglect and abuse problem in the UK.

Ok, hopefully no one the op and the rest of us have as friends is that heartless.