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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset by friends facebook status - I know I probably am but find it genuienely distressing!

256 replies

RoseGarden123 · 03/03/2013 20:49

Saw friends facebook status about leaving her 6 week old DS to CIO to get him onto a healthy routine. this baby was born 4 weeks early. I text her to see if everything was ok. When she said she couldn't deal with doing the CIO but thought it was the best thing to establish a routine early ,I sent her a link to some info which I said had found really helpful in the early days. I'll admit the link was to some unconditional/ AP type parenting approach, her response was she didn't go in for the 'hippy' stuff and she wanted to make sure that her DS knew who was boss from day one and wasn't going to 'win' and after 3 hours he had gone to sleep.
I am not upset at all about her rejecting the info link, I sent it very tactfully and everyone chooses their own path in parenting but seriously CIO with a prem 6 week old, am I completely off the mark when I think this is very upsetting and worrying?!

OP posts:
whoopwhoopbib · 04/03/2013 06:50

I can't believe that some people think that this is acceptable behaviour towards a newborn baby Shock .

If she put it as her fb status then yes she may well be exaggerating but to say it was to 'show who's boss' just proves that she had every intention of doing this and will quite possibly carry on.

I could never let my dd cio at any age because I just think it is cruel. I would be phoning her hv so that they were aware of the situation and could visit if they felt it necessary.

whoopwhoopbib · 04/03/2013 06:55

Tricycletops what exactly did the op do wrong to suggest she is a bad friend??

From what I read she contacted her friend to ask if she was ok instead of reacting to her status publicly on fb. From this a conversation appears to have happened about being unhappy with hearing her baby cio so op offered her an alternative, which had worked for her, so she make up her own mind whether or not to carry on with cio.

This seems pretty kind, caring and helpful to me.

Goldenbear · 04/03/2013 07:51

It'sallyourownfault, I bet your 'the boss' in your house aren't you? Some of 'us British' are able to read and have realised that it is a monumental mistake to let a new born baby CIO!

crashdoll · 04/03/2013 08:00

I also doubt that the baby cried for 3 hours. I bet mum is struggling and no I'm not making excuses for her if she did actually leave her newborn to cry for 3 hours but I'm trying to have some empathy.

OP, is she a good friend? Can you talk to her, find out if she's struggling and point her in the direction of some professional support?

RabidCarrot · 04/03/2013 08:00

I love the way new mums get such good support, oh no wait....

OP is pissed off that her "advice" was rejected and so has come to do a self righteous rant and rip her "friend" to bits, lovely

Goldenbear · 04/03/2013 08:20

Sorry you're not 'your' in previous post.

Goldenbear · 04/03/2013 08:24

If someone was in the depths of PND I don't think they'd be bragging on Facebook.

What support does the newborn baby get after they have gone through that harrowing experience?

Tricycletops · 04/03/2013 08:59

Tricycletops what exactly did the op do wrong to suggest she is a bad friend??

Submitted her for character assassination on the internet? Made no attempt to defend her from people saying she's a "fucking cunt" who "should have had a termination"?

This thread is revolting, and the sad thing is it's totally pointless. If the woman in question read it do you really think it would make her think "gosh, I might be wrong?" Or would she think "fuck you all" and bugger off to nethuns for a spot of "u no bubba best lol!!" ? All this will do is make a few people think twice about looking for support here - I know I am...

BramshawHill · 04/03/2013 08:59

If she's struggling, maybe pop round with books/printouts of settling methods (either alternatives to CIO or CIO but with the guidelines), make her a cuppa and see if you can both settle the baby together.

Obviously call her first to offer, she may be perfectly happy with her choice and not want any help.

Personally I feel bad for the baby IF she's being accurate on Facebook, but a) I've never been in the position of being sleep-deprived with a baby so couldn't imagine what it must be like, and b) there are countless ways to supposedly mess up your baby for life, I've been told I'm setting my 5-month old up for a life of clinginess and dependency by co-sleeping and never leaving her with other people so hers could turn out absolutely fine.

SirBoobAlot · 04/03/2013 09:12

Itsallyourownfault I'd rather comfort my son at every opportunity now, than pay for the therapy he'll need later. If attending to what your child needs and putting them first is suddenly British, I'll hang a fucking flag from every window.

Or maybe we're just educated enough to realise that sometimes as an adult, you come second when there is a defenseless new person who is unable to communicate other than crying, who relies on you to be there for them.

Or maybe it's the British thing.

Bumpsadaisie · 04/03/2013 09:16

I think this is awful. My DS is 16 months not 6 weeks, and I still wouldn't leave him to cry beyond waiting a couple of mins to see if he is just settling back or waking up properly.

Children who are responded to in a generally sensitive and responsive way do not feel their extreme helplessness in the world, in fact they feel like they have a good deal of agency over it. This makes them confident about enjoying and exploring the world, and they don't have to waste any developmental energy dealing with anxiety.

Children who are ignored get very anxious about why their attempts to engage are not working. They feel their helplessness in the world and become depressed, knowing that attention and responsiveness is conditional on it fitting in with the parent rather than vice versa.

So far from me being boss, my DS is boss, for the moment. He is in theory helpless, but actually everything gets put on hold to respond to him. This is because he needs it, at this age.

The real trick with parenting is to gradually shift the balance as the baby grows into toddler then preschooler, so that you become much more of the boss and the child is expected to fit in much more. When my DS has language, and a more mature concept of space and time, then we will start asking more of him.

We brought up my oldest, DD, in the same way, and I am convinced it was the right way. She is such a confident lovely kind hearted kid, even if I say so myself.

eavesdropping · 04/03/2013 09:22

I really can't understand why this thread is being described as disgusting.

I can only imagine that a few nerves are being touched amongst those who left their own babies to cry.

stargirl1701 · 04/03/2013 09:24

Well said, Bump. Well said.

EasilyBored · 04/03/2013 09:27

Well I wouldn't leave a six week old to cry for three hours, but I suspect she didn't either. Long term CIO is damaging, but who is to say she will do it again? If one instance of prolonged crying leaves you neesing therapy as an adult, you might have bigger ishoos.

I imagine she scoffed at tge unconditional parenting AP stuff because it is so far from what she is doing, maybe a gentle middle ground would have been better.

And if you were really concerned about her and her baby, you wouldn't have posted it on AIBU. By all means be judgy (what she did is bad, if she did it) but at least have the decency to own your judgyness.

Original poster
RoseGarden123 · 04/03/2013 09:29

Tricycle - I'd stopped posting as thought it had got so nasty and requested thread removal. I have said nothing other than being worried about friend. I've also sought to access support in rl.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoseGarden123 · 04/03/2013 09:29

Tricycle - I'd stopped posting as thought it had got so nasty and requested thread removal. I have said nothing other than being worried about friend. I've also sought to access support in rl.

OP posts:
OutsideOverThere · 04/03/2013 09:31

Whether the woman knows it's wrong is another matter but this is abusive behaviour.

If you know who her HV is OP then PLEASE report it to them - even just the relevant office/team. It's abusive treatment of a new baby. Her attitude about making him know who is boss is just terrible.

Please flag it to them. This sort of thing happens all over the place but you can do something to try and help this poor kid before he is damaged too much.

OutsideOverThere · 04/03/2013 09:33

x posts - well done Rose. Good luck. You don't have to tell the HV who you are.

DonderandBlitzen · 04/03/2013 09:35

I don't think this thread should be removed just because a few posters think leaving a newborn to cry for 3 hours is fine. Many more people don't and they should be allowed to say so!

I really think midwives should issue guidance verbally and in writing to all new mums about controlled crying and what is and what isn't appropriate. There are still too many mums who believe it is fine to ignore a newborn for hours on end to show them who is boss and it is cruel and damaging.

OutsideOverThere · 04/03/2013 09:35

'If one instance of prolonged crying leaves you neesing therapy as an adult, you might have bigger ishoos.'

Yes you might well have other issues, given that you have a parent who was willing to do that to you. What else is going to happen to this poor little mite in the name of control?

DonderandBlitzen · 04/03/2013 09:36

I agree that you should report to her HV

dunnitnow · 04/03/2013 09:36

I think leaving a small baby to cry is appalling and not far off abusive. I am not being over emotive, I have 3 dc and am pretty script generally but I have never done this (all 3 sleep really well).

It goes against every instinct a a parent so lets hope that having tried it once he won't do it again. I am not an AP type really but CIO is very wrong for small babies. Toddlers, who are capable (just) of having an agenda and messing you around? Maybe, though I still wouldnt do it. Babies have no agenda.

I am all for structure and routine, for the parents sanity as much as anything, but controlled crying or whether they call it nowadays is awful (and aren't there proven links to attachment disorders?)

eavesdropping · 04/03/2013 09:37

The thing is, chances are she WILL do it again. This isn't somebody who has done something out of desperation/sleep deprivation and then felt dreadful about it the next day - she's boasting on Facebook about being the boss. It is a completely calculated strategy to put her own needs above those of her baby.

She might only need to do it once or twice more though. A baby that young will quickly learn that there's no point crying, because nobody ever comes. Sad

OutsideOverThere · 04/03/2013 09:40

She has probably got people IRL (maybe her own parents) telling her to do this and is taking their advice seriously.

The number of times I have heard people say 'don't give in to him, let him know who's in charge' when babies were crying is outstanding. You read it on here too - 'My mum says I am spoiling the baby, help' and everyone goes 'pick him up, your mum is daft'

But this one obviously slipped through the net

Imaginethat · 04/03/2013 09:42

I left my newborn to cry for 45mins on advice of baby health nurse. Next day 30mins. Third day she went to sleep right away and kept that routine. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing.

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