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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dp's mum and dad could put themselves out once to babysit their grandchildren ?

103 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 17:40

They haven't had them since dd was born shes two in may and they had ds overnight then which he loved, they loved it too and there was much talk about doing it regularly, not a sausage since !

So recently I asked Dp if he could ask if they would like to come over more frequently (they live an hour 1/2 away) they say yey so have been over in the afternoon all great etc

Sooooo Dp asked them to help me out whilst he goes abroad during the easter hols and have dd and ds overnight they say yey, que me asking today if they could really help me out by having them for the afternoon whilst I do something for my business ( very important promotion and marketing day so absolutely have to do it )

And they say no, they looked at the calendar and see their friends son has got a concert and his mum has been very supportive of Dp's brothers concerts so she doesn't want to let her down

Am I BU to feel let down ? That it's ok to let me down ?

I don't have parents to ask to babysit and they know this

I feel really let down and upset mainly because I thought we were close and she will know how much I need this for my business and how important it it to me

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 28/02/2013 17:43

Paid childcare an option?

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 17:47

Well it's a Saturday and both children so it would cost quite a lot, plus I have to get a taxi with all my equipment to the demonstration and that will cost £20 each way, we are on the breadline (like everyone else) and accommodating these costs would be very hard

It is an investment in my business so I am willing to do it just feel let down by dp's parents

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 28/02/2013 17:49

If you are feeling let down, then as no arrangement was ever made, your expectations were probably too high.

If she has already made plans for that day, then it's not really fair for you to say that they are letting you down because they won't cancel arrangemnts they have already made so that they can babysit.

It's understandable that you are disappointed, but your priority should be your children having a good relationship with their grandparents, and they don't have to babysit for that to happen. It sounds like they'd outdo have helped if they didn't have plans, so they do want to be supportive. It's not like they are never prepared to help.

TarkaTheOtter · 28/02/2013 17:50

YABU - they had other plans.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 17:51

Yeah that's true, we don't ask for much though

and this time I just want to be unreasonable stamp my feet and say I am the priority ! It's to do with not having my mum, I'm sure, I feel like I have no one to put me first

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 28/02/2013 17:52

Why does your husband go abroad over Easter, leaving you in the lurch over childcare if you have an important business opportunity and nobody else to have the children?

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 18:10

He's a teacher and it's a school trip, he did ask his parents to help but unfortunately didn't give them a specific date

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 18:43

I don't think it's that unreasonable for them to change their plans or at least try to help considering they know how important it is.

I think it would be a different case if it was Dp asking them and I was away, but then again I would have thought they would just want to spend all day with dd cause they adore her

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 18:43

I would change my plans to help someone out

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 28/02/2013 18:45

Well, my view is, when they are old and need help, remember this, and remind your dh that you wont be so accommodating to help with their needs in old age as they have not really bothered about you, your needs and their gc. But I am a cynic. You will just try to find somebody else who can have your children. Arrange a swap with another mum friend, ask if she can have yours and you will take her another time in return.

AThingInYourLife · 28/02/2013 18:50

They have plans.

They are not free.

They are not letting you down.

Sorting childcare while you work is your responsibility.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 18:57

That's the facts athinginyourlife but would you do the same ?

OP posts:
ssd · 28/02/2013 19:07

you know whatyou mean op, I get you.

I don't think you mean any harm and your inlaws might not realise you can;t just find another babysitter so easily and you could really do with their help. I think the secret next time is to get your dh more organised and give your in laws dates in advance, I think if you asked them for a specific date they might be more acomodating, sounds like your dh was a bit vague so they've made some plans they don't want to change now, thats probably understandable...

but I know exactly how you feel.I've lost my mum too and I know theres no one to put me first either. It really hurts and I bet this is affecting how you're feeling about all this. I'm sorry, I'd help you out if you are near me?

I think the other posters who are seeing your post as just a childcare issue are missing the point.

CloudsAndTrees · 28/02/2013 19:09

But they have said they will have your dc overnight. That shows that they care, they are supportive, and they are happy to help.

You are expecting too much by thinking they should change plans with a close friend who also wants their support, and who has supported them and their children. What you want them to do would let down someone else in the true sense of the phrase, not just the way you are using it.

It's very unfair of you to say you thought they would have wanted to spend the day with dd because they adore her. You know they adore her, and you have said they will still be spending time with their grandchildren over the holidays. They are being good grandparents.

What you want is for it all to be on your terms to do you a favour when you need it. The fact that they won't do that, doesn't mean they are letting you down.

LindyHemming · 28/02/2013 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 19:18

Yeah you're both right. We have always had to have things set in stone with them and it is dp's fault ! thank you for the sympathy and reasoning everyone

I haven't lost my my mum in that she has passed, my dad did just when ds was born, she's not in contact with us or my brother (hes abroad too with work othrwise he'd do it )Kind of complicated but basically she's a bi-polar narc so not babysitting material !!

OP posts:
BeeBopDingALing · 28/02/2013 19:19

^^They have plans.

They are not free.

They are not letting you down.

Sorting childcare while you work is your responsibility. ^

Exactly this. YABU

ssd · 28/02/2013 19:19

Blush sorry

Bogeyface · 28/02/2013 19:22

Euphemia yes you are right, but surely the OP is entitled to feel a little bit let down when her DH and them assured her of some help but when it comes down to actually doing it, they are busy with something that could easily be missed. Its hardly a hospital appointment is it?

On the other hand OP, if they dont want to do it then unfortunately you cant force them. In future I think that you just need to accept that if you either get paid help or dont do things. Its horrible, but atleast that way you wont be disappointed.

Annunziata · 28/02/2013 19:25

Did you ask them today to help you out this afternoon? That's not fair warning.

They are grandparents, but they have their own lives too.

GrendelsMum · 28/02/2013 19:32

I can see why you're disappointed, but I think if you haven't had to do the attending concerts thing yourself, it's hard to appreciate why your in-laws feel they shouldn't tell their friend that they won't come to the concert as agreed.

My guess is that they feel the friend has spent both time and money attending their children's concerts, has turned up, filled the audience, clapped and said nice things afterwards. Frankly, this is probably a favour to them at least as much as an enjoyable evening's activity (really, no-one actually wants to go to their friends' childrens concerts). They've already said that they would show the same level of support to their friend's child as the friend has shown to their children, and so they feel that they can't back out now, even though they appreciate that this is important to you.

Does that make sense?

Can a friend help you out while you're at work?

AThingInYourLife · 28/02/2013 19:35

"they are busy with something that could easily be missed. Its hardly a hospital appointment is it?"

Whether it can be missed is their call.

The OP is asking them to do her a favour.

They don't work for her, she has no entitlement to their time, so she doesn't get to set the terms under which they can refuse.

The concert they are going to is important to them.

It is incredibly rude and presumptuous to tell them that what you consider important trumps what matters to them when it comes to how they spend their time.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 19:39

Oh no the demonstration isn't till start of Easter hols

Yeah I guess it is a commitment but the friend has attended an adult child's play (he's 31) and I thought that the friend just would be that bothered if they had to cancel to help me out but I think you are seeing it the way they are

I have a great group of 'mum' friends but it's a big ask considering its a say it's both children and all have 2 kids or more and it would be 9-6pm so really a big ask but it may have to be asked

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 19:40

I don't think it's not important, I'm just screwed without them doing it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 19:42

Ssd don't be embarrassed I feel like I have lost my mum I feel it like a breavement like my dad

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