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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dp's mum and dad could put themselves out once to babysit their grandchildren ?

103 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 17:40

They haven't had them since dd was born shes two in may and they had ds overnight then which he loved, they loved it too and there was much talk about doing it regularly, not a sausage since !

So recently I asked Dp if he could ask if they would like to come over more frequently (they live an hour 1/2 away) they say yey so have been over in the afternoon all great etc

Sooooo Dp asked them to help me out whilst he goes abroad during the easter hols and have dd and ds overnight they say yey, que me asking today if they could really help me out by having them for the afternoon whilst I do something for my business ( very important promotion and marketing day so absolutely have to do it )

And they say no, they looked at the calendar and see their friends son has got a concert and his mum has been very supportive of Dp's brothers concerts so she doesn't want to let her down

Am I BU to feel let down ? That it's ok to let me down ?

I don't have parents to ask to babysit and they know this

I feel really let down and upset mainly because I thought we were close and she will know how much I need this for my business and how important it it to me

OP posts:
LittleEdie · 01/03/2013 10:29

YABU.

DesiderataHollow · 01/03/2013 10:47

their! even.

DesiderataHollow · 01/03/2013 10:57

I do find it a bit odd, because although our family was not big when I was growing up, there was usually someone around to help out in this kind of situation, My Nan lived up the road, my grown-up cousin lived round the corner and my aunt and uncle lived ten minute's walk away. My other aunt was an hour away, but would look after me for a week or so in an emergency. None of the women other than my mother (who was divorced) worked or drove.

I don't think my mother "expected" or felt "entitled" to the care, but it was very much how things were for many wc families a couple of generations ago.

But now, families are smaller, GPs are often still working, and have interesting and exciting social lives, we will all be working for longer, and we nearly all need two incomes to survive.

We have clearly "broken" something in the last couple of generations, but it's hard to see who, if anyone is BU, or if it's actually something that is fixable.

poorchurchmouse · 01/03/2013 11:40

I think YANBU to be upset, and people who do have family support don't realise how lonely and isolating it is never to have anyone around who can help out - DH and I struggle a bit sometimes as my family are 300 miles away(and unhelpful, as it happens), and DH's mother is getting frail and would love to help out but we would never ask her as she can't lift DS so can't be left alone with him while he's a toddler.

But our position is easier than yours as there isn't anyone who could help, so we just have to get on with it - it must be much worse if there are family nearby who could help out and are happy to watch you struggle. No, they don't have to help, but that doesn't stop you thinking how nice it would be if they did, and that isn't unreasonable.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2013 12:21

Well Dp just spoke to them on the phone as I just posted something to them apparently they feel guilty they can't help

Guilt doesn't help !! I don't want them to feel bad just try to be flexible

OP posts:
LittleEdie · 01/03/2013 13:00

You really expect other people to cancel their plans so they can help you out with your business?

Other people have said that you should then not help them out when they become old and frail.

The difference is that you are not old and frail.

Pandemoniaa · 01/03/2013 13:04

I don't think it's that unreasonable for them to change their plans or at least try to help considering they know how important it is.

Yes, YABU to expect them to change their plans. It is clearly important that they attend this concert (which unfortunately was an arrangement they made before you asked them to babysit) and to suggest you are a greater priority is awfully precious. No matter how important your presentation is.

AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

INeedThatForkOff · 01/03/2013 13:25

I find this an interesting viewpoint, from the first page:

Well, my view is, when they are old and need help, remember this, and remind your dh that you wont be so accommodating to help with their needs in old age as they have not really bothered about you, your needs and their gc

I'm speaking as someone in the very fortunate position of having DPs, DSM, DPILs and wider family, all of whom help us out tremendously with childcare, for free, when we could do with it, so from my privileged position it's perhaps too easy for me to wade in.

Anyway, I've never thought of it like this before: the people helping us out now will definitely get whatever support I can give them in their old age. Is it fair then, to say that if a GP doesn't willingly help out now, that they shouldn't really expect much in the way of family support in the future? I sort of think so. I'm of the opinion that it's a good thing that family help out with childcare if possible (not that they should though). And it's fair enough that those who struggle with arranging or affording childcare now, while family members don't help out where they can, might feel ambivalent in turn about offering help with personal care to those dame family members in the future.

It's a give and take situation in the long term, and OP, I think YANBU for wishing that your PILs would put themselves out for you know, while your DH is abroad and you're working hard to build your family's future.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2013 13:48

I think if I had stamped my feet and made a fuss they would have cancelled because they are nice people I didn't which is why I'm bitching on here

And yes it's not like there's a crisis it's just work

To be honest they are lovely people and I would never think of withdrawing from them when they need us when they are elderly

My mum on the other hand is a good example of what happens when you emotionally abuse your family for 30 years, I won't be getting involved in her care she can sort herself out

Whereas with dp's family I would happily have them stay

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2013 13:50

I didn't do it because I know it's not nice to ask people to change their plans

Which is why I'm venting on here ( just to make that clear !)

OP posts:
diddl · 01/03/2013 15:49

I can't imagine not helping my parents when needed because they didn't do as much chilcare as I think they should have!!

ssd · 01/03/2013 18:44

I did everything for my mum for years before she died, I did it because I loved her,I didn't even consider what she did for me in the past, when you love someone you do the best for them, that's all

if anyone here doesn't want to help their elderly parents or in laws it wont be because they didn't babysit enough, it goes much deeper than that

allnewtaketwo · 01/03/2013 19:06

So if you love someone you do the best for them, I agree. So therefore a parent wants also to do the best for their adult children also. Not like a subservient fool surely, but genuinely wanting to pitch in to help

diddl · 01/03/2013 21:56

But most parents do their best for you when they bring you up & you need them.

Then if they need you when they are elderly, you reciprocate.

But surely there's a time when they get a break from doing stuff for you!

allnewtaketwo · 01/03/2013 22:07

I don't see looking out for your offspring and helping them as a hardship that I would need "time off" from though. That's the difference. Relationships are for life. People generally want to help their friends out for example, you don't place a time limit on it though. And it doesn't have to be one way. DS adds live and delight to my mode. Bringing him up is a pleasure and an honour. Not something I won't a break from when he turns 18. I will always be happy to pitch in when he needs my help. If I couldn't be bothered and took the view that my job was done and he didn't deserve my time or support, then I couldn't realistically expect to have a really strong relationship into my old age.

What goes around comes around. Not out of malice, simply due to how relationships tend to work

allnewtaketwo · 01/03/2013 22:08

Delight to my life should say!

diddl · 01/03/2013 22:31

My parent's have always "been there" for me & I fully intend to always "be there" for mine.

I suppose I just don't get that GPs have to provide free childcare as part of that.

If they want to, fine.

I don't, I don't think that they should be "punished" for it, that's all!

nooka · 02/03/2013 03:23

Surely the quid pro quo if any is from our own childhoods? I wasn't able to help my parents as much as I would have liked over the last six months when my father was dying from brain cancer - I certainly didn't look at their 'babysitting account', I just did what I could and wished it could have been more.

OP, I'm glad you got care sorted out. Now you need to let it go and next time give your ILs more notice. They are obviously happy to help if they can.

FriendlyLadybird · 02/03/2013 09:59

If it's at the start of the Easter holidays you have plenty of time to sort out childcare. Why not divvy them up between your friends? There is no requirement for someone to have two children 9 to 6. I a similar position, a friend of mine always arranges for two people to have each of her two children for half a day, swapping over at lunchtime.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 02/03/2013 16:37

That's fantastic if you have that many people to help its the easter hols and many people are away

This is not a discussion about withholding care from elderly parents because they haven't done enough babysitting

It was about dp's mum not having the kids when she said she would because she realised that she had a concert in the evening and she won't drive from mine straight to the concert

She feels guilty but that doesn't really help

OP posts:
elizaregina · 02/03/2013 16:55

*In response to AThinginYourLife's post.

When they are old and in need of your support:

You will have plans.

You will not be free.

You will not be letting them down.

Sorting our their care will be their responsibility (as will finding visitors, as you will have plans)*

This ^

AThingInYourLife · 02/03/2013 17:03

It's easy to see why families fall apart when people see relationships in such transactional terms.

The idea that you would abandon your ageing parents because they didn't cancel their lives to provide constant free babysitting is pretty disgusting.

Why would you even want people you obviously dislike and feel no love for to look after your children in the first place?

AThingInYourLife · 02/03/2013 17:06

The concert is in the evening?

Oh right, then I get you.

I thought it was a scheduling clash. As in the concert was on when you need childcare.

allnewtaketwo · 02/03/2013 17:10

The OP has at no time referred to any requirement for "constant" babysitting. I got the impression the requests were very ad hoc

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