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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dp's mum and dad could put themselves out once to babysit their grandchildren ?

103 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 17:40

They haven't had them since dd was born shes two in may and they had ds overnight then which he loved, they loved it too and there was much talk about doing it regularly, not a sausage since !

So recently I asked Dp if he could ask if they would like to come over more frequently (they live an hour 1/2 away) they say yey so have been over in the afternoon all great etc

Sooooo Dp asked them to help me out whilst he goes abroad during the easter hols and have dd and ds overnight they say yey, que me asking today if they could really help me out by having them for the afternoon whilst I do something for my business ( very important promotion and marketing day so absolutely have to do it )

And they say no, they looked at the calendar and see their friends son has got a concert and his mum has been very supportive of Dp's brothers concerts so she doesn't want to let her down

Am I BU to feel let down ? That it's ok to let me down ?

I don't have parents to ask to babysit and they know this

I feel really let down and upset mainly because I thought we were close and she will know how much I need this for my business and how important it it to me

OP posts:
Kiriwawa · 28/02/2013 21:00

I'm glad your friend is helping out but think you really need to deal with your feelings about this otherwise you're going to end up feeling really let down a lot by them a lot of the time and that's not conducive to a good relationship.

I'm a single parent and my parents are brilliantly supportive - they come and stay when I work during the holidays on occasion and my mum used to look after DS one day a week when he was a baby. But I wouldn't dream of asking them to cancel plans they had already made. And although sometimes it's frustrating when they have something booked at a time I could really do with some childcare, that's my problem, not theirs.

I hope that's helpful - I don't mean to be critical, I just worry that you're hurting yourself by having unrealistic expectations

HairyHandedTrucker · 28/02/2013 21:05

yabu. I really can't understand people feeling they are entitled to free child care.

nancy75 · 28/02/2013 21:14

'your parents owe you nothing'

'Can't understand people feeling entitled to free childcare'

Blimey some of you are going to make wonderful grandparentsHmm

Families help each other out, I'm very glad not to be related to some pf you lot!

kinkyfuckery · 28/02/2013 21:20

Glad your friend is able to help out, hope the day goes well.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 21:20

I think youre right Kiriwawa , my friend whos doing the sitting now just rang and shes very good at seeing the other side, I dont normally feel this way about babysitting I think I am stressed about the day and I'm making it about this....

what do you suggest hairy, paying grandparents ?

I was a single parent for a while and I think it possibly has made me better and more independant for it but when I met dp and his lovely parents i thought whoop I've got normal support for once rather than doing it on my own, paying for it when I need to work

btw i do pay for an afternnoon a week whilst I work and then work during dd's naps so i do sort my own childcare out, we also my freind and I, do a swap one afternoon a week where we have the afternoon to work

I just really wanted this to be easy when I have a really stressful work thing

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 21:22

thanks kinky

hopefully it will generate work + money = car and holiday

OP posts:
Kiriwawa · 28/02/2013 21:33

I hope so too pwg :)

Having kids and trying to run a business at the same time is bloody hard work I know but my grey hair is a testament to the juggling I do sometimes!

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 28/02/2013 21:50

haha yes it is ! feel like I have a hundred things on my mind but I do like working for myself, I'm a very accommodating boss Wink

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 07:47

" when I met dp and his lovely parents i thought whoop I've got normal support for once rather than doing it on my own, paying for it when I need to work"

Shock

Really? From the time you met them you thought "quids in, childcare on tap!"

My parents are very supportive but they would be pissed off if I expected them to drop plans because I needed childcare.

"Normal support" does not mean only making provisional plans in case your DIL wants her children looked after for free.

ssd · 01/03/2013 08:23

can't understand all the shocked faces from posters here who have plenty childcare support and then lambaste the op for asking for some help from granny herself

the op has no family support and just hoped the inlaws might help her out, is that a crime?

glad your sorted now, op

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2013 09:10

Yeah normal support meaning on occasion they babysit

Shock !!

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 01/03/2013 09:13

YABU. They had plans.

And yes, I would do exactly the same. Have done, in fact. Looking after other peoples' children is not my priority.

FlouncingMintyy · 01/03/2013 09:19

"the op has no family support and just hoped the inlaws might help her out, is that a crime?"

well, no, she just hoped the inlaws might help her out and when they were unable to on this occasion it led to "I feel really let down and upset mainly because I thought we were close" and "this time I just want to be unreasonable, stamp my feet and say I am the priority". All this after the gps have already agreed to have the gdc overnight once while her dp is away at Easter.

So, its not a crime to wish for more support, but it isn't doing op any favours to get so upset when it isn't available. It isn't her pil's fault that she has no other family support, either.

TobyLerone · 01/03/2013 09:21

Are the DC their actual grandchildren or did you have them before you met your partner?

AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 09:28

Asking for help = reasonable

Getting in a snot because the people you asked to help are busy = not reasonable

Family support works both ways.

It includes supporting your family in sticking to their plans and working something else out if they can't help.

LadyPessaryPam · 01/03/2013 09:32

pretty, I think you should be able to expect more support from them. I would not do this to my kids when they have children of their own. I had a pretty unhelpful MIL too, and I lost my DM just after I married, she was very ill for years. I felt very resentful of my MIL for not even trying to have a mother/daughter relationship with me, she thought I was too posh because I spoke differently Sad

ssd · 01/03/2013 09:49

agree Pam, those of us with no support know whats its like to have no one to ask

AThingInYourLife · 01/03/2013 09:49

So when you are a grandmother you will never make any plans at all in case you are required to do childcare?

Or will you just keep ditching your friends last minute when you are summoned?

These people have been very supportive by the sound of things.

But the cheeky fuckers actually expect to be able to live their own life!

ssd · 01/03/2013 09:55

oh get down off your soapbox Thing

you get plenty of support yourself, what the hell are you bitching on about someone else asking for support themselves, do you really think your great support system have never cancelled plans for you

DesiderataHollow · 01/03/2013 10:08

When my DS1 was a baby I had people practically fighting me to look after him, (My mum, Ex's Mum and a very good family friend who then had no grandchildren).

When DS2 was born I was a little bit disappointed to discover that OH's parents have absolutely no interest in a bit of light baby-sitting despite being very happy that we have produced a grandchild "for them" . We have no other family, and are both only children, can't afford baby-sitters and have no local friends who would be willing to sit.
We haven't spent any time as a couple since DS2 was born, apart from the momentous visit to the cinema that happened because we were staying at the IL's and DS2 was already asleep. So that's once in 4 and a half years.

I am still a bit sad about it, and we have decided that we won't be having another child because without extended support it's just too isolating (amongst other reasons).

So YANBU to want them to help, but They ANBU to live their own lives.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2013 10:09

It's the lack of flexibility, they could come and do the morning but they haven't offered

One isn't their actual grandchild one is but they have always treated ds like a grandchild as he was only 1 when Dp and I got together

I am behaving like a child but remember I am doing this on mn and not to them ! I have been very polite and didn't express my disappointment.

OP posts:
DesiderataHollow · 01/03/2013 10:13

I should point out, that DS1 and DS2 are 21 years apart in age. So IL's would only be babysitting there own GC.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 01/03/2013 10:20

Yeah they love you to have kids don't they ! Dp's mum has mentioned about us having another one ! I explained we can't afford it

They don't babysit because they don't like driving in the dark and like to get back, so the only time they have babysat was last summer when we stayed at their house and the children where in bed. We went to a pub quiz

I find it hard because I come from a family where that would have been seen as very pathetic and you have to toughen up and drive in the dark ! if you can understand I already give them the benefit of the doubt over things like that, I make tea early I make stuff they will eat and I keep my big judgy pants mouth shut

I have had a very different upbringing and not better by any means, very unsympathetic so I enjoy how caring they are.

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 01/03/2013 10:24

We have no family nearby so I know how difficult it is. It's not unreasonable to feel things - it would be unreasonable to be rude, demand they change plans etc, which OP has not done.

I take the extremely petty attitude that since our families have not helped us (only time we've ever asked was for Childcare help when both of us had a serious illness and were probably borderline for needing to be in hospital), but it wasn't convenient for any of the retired GPs to come and help. Fine, I get that they're entitled to live their lives and owe us nothing. I shall take the same attitude when they are infirm - our siblings who get daily free Childcare can do all the sorting and the paying, since apparently families don't help each other out.

allnewtaketwo · 01/03/2013 10:28

In response to AThinginYourLife's post.

When they are old and in need of your support:

You will have plans.

You will not be free.

You will not be letting them down.

Sorting our their care will be their responsibility (as will finding visitors, as you will have plans)