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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not look after my friends children, just because i dont want to?

123 replies

The45King · 25/02/2013 15:28

I retrained a few years ago. A major driving force was that my new career is term time only and I could be around for/wit the kids during the school holidays. The training was a real hard slog and my children are in before and after school childcare. The pay off being that we get to spend all the holidays together.

My friend has asked if I can help her out with child care during the school holidays. She works part time all year round. We are both SPs and have a boy and a girl each. Shes asked if I wold consider the 4 days of the week that she works for a full week, or possibly a day each week..or anything really so that her children dont have to spend so much time in formal/paid child care.

The kids get on OK and like each other. I know what a PITA/struggle/stress holiday childcare is, but I just dont want to do it.

WIBU to just say no, for no good reason?

OP posts:

JenaiMorris · 25/02/2013 19:15

Ought to add I'd offer a day a week, not more.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 19:23

'Helping your friend out is ......being a friend, isn't it?

I can understand you not wanting to commit to every week but personally would see no harm in 1-2 days per week.'

It's become a regular, committed childminder, not helping someone out.

And the OP doesn't want to.

If you understand her not wanting to commit to every week then, well, that includes 1-2 days/week.

The friend's excuse about routine is weak, too. Her kids still have to get up and get organised the days she works.

I have friends who work as childminders and nannies. Work being the operative word. It's a job for which they are quite rightly renumerated.

WorriedMary · 25/02/2013 19:29

YANBU to refuse. I'm a CM and I have decided to only work two days in the holidays as I need the time with my children and to do jobs that need doing in the house like sort out the junk in the bedrooms. My children also need breathing space. Just started back and I'm looking for to Easter!

I looked after my sisters child for one day a week. Not reciprocal as such although she'd done plenty of babysitting for me before she had DC's. And sometimes it felt like a bind.

Paxdora · 25/02/2013 19:31

I can see both sides.

I've done that for a friend and it was fine - a good arrangement that suited us both.

If it doesn't suit you then simply say so.

muddyin2013 · 25/02/2013 19:43

I think you are right to say no.

I'm a SAHM and my friends think it's okay for me to look after their DC ad hoc.

I learnt from MN that NO is a complete word/answer.

MrsLouisTheroux · 25/02/2013 19:55

OP, I also work 5 days pw term time only and have a friend who works 3 days pw.
She often complains that her holidays don't stretch to cover the school holidays and says that I am so 'lucky'
I pay for before and after school care whilst she drops off, picks up her DC everyday. She also has two days to herself. Every week.
She has hinted that it would be easier if her DC came to me instead of going to holiday club. I've ignored her hints because she hasn't offered to have my DC after school ever.
Don't feel guilty OP. A one off emergency or going over to play is fine but generally speaking, you have to sort out (and pay for) your own childcare. It's cheeky to want it for free.

lunar1 · 25/02/2013 19:57

I became a SAHM and just work the odd agency shift now as my job just wasn't conducive to a family life. we are ok financially but obviously things are not as easy as when i had a regular income.

Would i be reasonable to say to my friends, you earn more than me can i just use some of your money and maybe sometime ill return the favour or would i just be a cheeky cow.

You adapted your life to your family needs dont feel guilty for it.

Mimishimi · 25/02/2013 20:03

YANBU, I can't imagine asking a teacher friend to look after my kids in their holidays. It's a huge commitment, both in terms of the responsibility of care and the reduced flexibility it would give them. Perhaps you could offer to pick them up from holiday care once or twice but that should be entirely on your own terms (eg Hi Jane, I have this afternoon free, would you look me to pick up x and y and they can come round to our house this evening? ). Are they in regular care or only in holiday care? If they are in regular care, wouldn't she have to pay them anyway to hold the spot? If they are only in care during holidays, it's not routine 'institutionalisation' for them, is it? They probably have a blast.

Mimishimi · 25/02/2013 20:10

Sorry... spellchecker on the iPad.. That was meant to be ' like me to pick up '

Will add that it's nice to look after friends children sometimes but only when they've proved they actually do likewise with your children and only when the expectations are not ' set in stone' so to speak.

Original poster

The45King · 25/02/2013 20:52

this is so going to bite me in the arse, when i need to ask her for a favour, isnt it?!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 21:05

So find someone else, because plenty of us wouldn't dream of asking such a thing but would be happy to help in a pinch, as a favour, etc.

rodandtheemu · 25/02/2013 21:29

yanbu! Dont feel pressured or guilt tripped in to it. Her kids her responsibilty. Spend the holidays having quality time with your own kids...

You are not even obliged to have them for ONE day...why should you?
Wonder what she would say if you said '' yes of course, then i'll drop them all off at yours when you get back :) ''

If she chooses to work then she needs to find appropriate child care for school hoildays.

rodandtheemu · 25/02/2013 21:30

posted too early! Love the fact also that because your a teacher then OF course you would want to spend the holidays with other peoples kids..just like at work lol!

FriendlyLadybird · 25/02/2013 21:37

YWNBU. Doing swapsies for the occasional day in the holidays would be fine. Plus, having them over for a playdate one day would probably be nice too. But looking after someone else's children FOR A WHOLE DAY is a big ask, even bigger if it's for a whole day each week!

mrsbunnylove · 25/02/2013 21:42

say no. firmly.

if you agree to doing childcare when you really don't want to, you'll be resentful and you won't enjoy it. probably everyone has said that already.

but i'm saying it too. don't do it.

coribells · 25/02/2013 21:53

lets hope you never need no one to help you out with yr kids.

MidniteScribbler · 25/02/2013 22:48

YANBU. She's not in a bind, she has care for her children, she'd just rather not pay for it if she can get it free elsewhere.

I'm a teacher (on ML ATM) and the number of people who think I want to spend my break from school looking after their children for free is crazy. They also conveniently forget that while you are not actually at school during the school holidays, you still have prep/marking/reporting/professional development/etc to be doing during that time. Whilst your time is more flexible and you can come and go as you please, you are effectively working from home in order to be able to get everything prepped for the next term. It's not all sitting around getting your nails done.

Just say no, and just ring her a few times and say "we're going to the zoo today, do you want A & B to come with us?", or whatever you want to do. She might still have to pay for the care place, but she's not really losing out on anything, and if the idea is to give her kids a break from the care, then she should jump at the chance.

zipzap · 25/02/2013 23:07

Say that you're happy to help out in an emergency (assuming they are not vomitting everywhere and likely to pass a nasty bug on to you!) as and when they arise, assuming you are here and not away camping/visiting other people etc. And that you are happy to do the odd playdate here and there to be arranged closer to the time when you know what is happening, what the weather is likely to be etc.

But that you can't commit to doing regular childcare every week because at this stage the only thing you know about the holidays is that you are planning on doing lots of things, including lots of things spontaneously, and you can't do that if you are tied to providing childcare.

That way, you still get to see the kids occasionally if they all get on with yours and you feel like (and up to coping with!) a playdate. And if there's an emergency then that's fine too and you can always ask her too as you're not refusing to have her kids point blank.

It would be quite amusing though to suggest that if you have her kids for a day a week then she could have your kids a day a week too and see what she says - pretty sure that she wouldn't want that, certainly not every week... which would then show that she is using you for childcare and not to do a reciprocal day a week each for each other.

Mimishimi · 25/02/2013 23:25

Coribells, it's not as though she's refusing a situation where the mother has a real emergency on her hands. The mum is asking her to look after her kids for the majority of the holiday weekdays. With no indication that it's just these ones either because care has fallen through, maybe she's asking for every school break. I suspect that people who don't take advantage are actually in a better position to ask for emergency care than those who do take advantage, don't turn up on time, try to send their sick children etc. Those sort get a reputation and when they do actually have an emergency, no one believes them because they've all been left with a bad taste in their mouth from the other times.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 25/02/2013 23:43

Say no. Don't feel guilty. I am a working mum. Loads of demands on my time and finances. You know it's not on to make a regular request like this of a friend with her own commitments ( heavy) to consider.

I still think you should do what expat suggests. But if there us any question that she has reciprocity in mind you could say: I can try to help out in an emergency if your usual arrangements fall through, if we're around. But I am not available for regular help.

HairyHandedTrucker · 26/02/2013 02:03

yanbu

HermioneHatesHoovering · 26/02/2013 02:51

Just say "no I can't, that doesn't work for us". If you start giving reasons she will try to find a solution for you, that's not what you want!

expatinscotland · 26/02/2013 17:20

Have you told her yet? Do it now so she has time to make other arrangements and you don't feel guilty, which you shouldn't.

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