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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not look after my friends children, just because i dont want to?

123 replies

The45King · 25/02/2013 15:28

I retrained a few years ago. A major driving force was that my new career is term time only and I could be around for/wit the kids during the school holidays. The training was a real hard slog and my children are in before and after school childcare. The pay off being that we get to spend all the holidays together.

My friend has asked if I can help her out with child care during the school holidays. She works part time all year round. We are both SPs and have a boy and a girl each. Shes asked if I wold consider the 4 days of the week that she works for a full week, or possibly a day each week..or anything really so that her children dont have to spend so much time in formal/paid child care.

The kids get on OK and like each other. I know what a PITA/struggle/stress holiday childcare is, but I just dont want to do it.

WIBU to just say no, for no good reason?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 16:06

I think it's very cheeky to ask a friend to do regular, unpaid childcare.

Original poster

The45King · 25/02/2013 16:07

she has said that she will return the favour. And I am sure she would when the opportunity arose. AND I can definitely see the advantage of having her owing me some child care for unforeseen circumstances....but I STILL dont want to do it!!

OP posts:

mrsjay · 25/02/2013 16:07

It isn't selfish though helping out a friend the odd day here and there is much different to a whole childcare arrangement every day for 7 or 8 weeks

umiaisha · 25/02/2013 16:08

YADNBU

I gave up full time work last summer for a variety of reasons including not having to rely on favours during the school holidays. I don't mind having DCs friends over for playdates and helping out friends occasionally but wouldnt want to make a regular commitment to it.

I do look after my nieces in the holidays sometimes to help my sister out but as they are wellbehaved and are family it isn't a chore.

Please yourself and don't feel guilty.

Original poster

The45King · 25/02/2013 16:10

I dont like the idea of reciprocal childcare arrangements between friends...for reasons I havent really thought through....it feels like too much potential to go wong/ too much of a commitment. Id rather just pay for my childcare and not be beholden to anyone. My time is my most valuable/limited resource it feels

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 16:11

Then don't do it. You'll resent it. Tell her, 'That just doesn't work for us. We have made a lot of plans already and I did this (the retraining) to have the max spontaneity over the holidays.' End of story!

Original poster

The45King · 25/02/2013 16:12

yy redbetty i would help in an emergency

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 16:12

It's not a one-off or the odd favour, this is regular, unpaid childcare.

TheSecondComing · 25/02/2013 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slatternlymother · 25/02/2013 16:13

When is she going to return the favour then, seeing as she's sooo busy? She won't, OP. She really won't.

Don't enable her behaviour. Just say 'sorry no, that's not really convenient for me'. Don't feel the need to embellish any further. And if she's snotty with you after, then she's no friend of yours.

Original poster

The45King · 25/02/2013 16:14

you are right expat i just have to be honest about my reasons; and not start twittering on with lame excuses

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 16:14

Sure it's nice, when it's the odd emergency or on your terms. But she does not want to do regular, commited, free childcare. I can see why not!

CrapBag · 25/02/2013 16:19

YANBU.

Is not like some posters have suggested, to just offer to have them now and again, your friend is after a proper weekly arrangment so she doesn't have to put her children into childcare. The odd afternoon isn't going to cut it for her.

Don't do it. You retrained for a reason. If your reason was U (which it isn't) it is your life and you are completely free to do as you like which does include not feeling obliged to look after friends children. I have had a couple of friends offer to have mine on occasion but I would never ask unless it was a desperate emergency as I do feel that I need to repay the favour but I also have valid reasons for not wanting to look after anyone elses children.

No ones children are ever the same as yours and they will always be used to doing things differently etc and I find looking after other children extremely stressful and not a pleasant experience.

I have a feeling though I may be in the same boat soon. A friend asked us all last summer if we could do a couple of mornings each between us and I did do 1. Her children are lovely but it was stressful and took its toll on my already shit health. I really don't want to do it again but I know I will be the only one on the group who would possibly say no and I feel that I can't be that 1 really. It is tough though.

puffinnuffin · 25/02/2013 16:22

Weren't there some rules which says you have to be a registered childminder and undergo checks etc by Ofsted if looking after someone elses child on a regular basis a couple of years back? You could get out of it that way maybe (unless your home already is Ofsted registered)?

I would help out in real emergencies but not on a regular basis. You would start to resent your friend and her children (however nice they are) and it would change your relationship with her.

peeriebear · 25/02/2013 16:24

Isn't it a legal no-no to mind other people's children if you're not a registered childminder? You could say you don't want to fall foul of the law perhaps?

BambieO · 25/02/2013 16:25

YANBU

Other people's children annoy me. Flame me if you must but its true!

My DS is a whole other ball game, I chose to have him, I adore him unconditionally so I will eventually forgive him when he does something like use my make up as war paint, someone else's child no way

I am selfish though, I know one of my relatives would love to come visit all the time with two DC under two but I am always 'busy' as I know they will just get on my nerves and I will be annoyed having to clean up after them they are little handfuls who generally trash anything in sight

mrsjay · 25/02/2013 16:31

you are right expat i just have to be honest about my reasons; and not start twittering on with lame excuses

this

slatternlymother · 25/02/2013 16:32

bambie I am exactly the same. I don't really want to look after other people's children. Of course, I'd always help out in an emergency, but not on a regular basis!

IThinkThatWasMine · 25/02/2013 16:33

YANBU. You've gone to a huge amount of effort to get your family's holidays the way you wanted, flexibility and all. It would be unfair to expect you to go to more effort and take away some of that flexibility so that someone else can have a free ride. She probably thinks you are "lucky" to be free in the holidays, but it isn't luck. You've arranged it this way on purpose, and made sacrifices for it to be like this.

EldritchCleavage · 25/02/2013 16:40

It really isn't selfish to refuse.You make sacrifices to have these holidays with your children, and it is completely understandable you don't want regular unpaid arrangements encroaching on that.

And note that your friend is not offering a firm reciprocal arrangement, from what you've said: if she asked you to do, say, Mondays in the holidays and offered to do Thursdays in the holidays, that would be one thing. But she is asking you to restrict yourself, and tie yourself to something without offering the same.

It may be better for your friendship in the long run to refuse now. Otherwise you risk a gradual build-up of resentment.

Whocansay · 25/02/2013 16:41

It is not your responsibility to look after her children because she doesn't want to pay for childcare. If you sign up for this, she will expect it every holiday and half term.

I also don't believe that there will be any real reciprocal arrangement either. She wants you to provide almost full time childcare. How would she EVER make up the time?

I'm also quite surprised at the posters who suggest you are somehow being mean and have suggested a 'compromise'. You don't need to do this either. She should never have asked and put you in this position. You have worked hard to allow yourself time alone with your children. She can do the same if she wants to.

Don't do it. Follow Zammo's advice, and just say no.

shallweshop · 25/02/2013 16:41

YANBU - I would not want to be tied to that sort of arrangement either. I don't work and happily help out friends on an ad hoc, occasional basis. Maybe you could offer to have them the odd time in hols but not every week.

BambieO · 25/02/2013 16:46

That's exactly it slatternly I would always help if it was an emergency but volunteer on a regular basis no way

toddlerama · 25/02/2013 16:50

My sister offered free childcare to a friend who was 'desperate' one day a week because of work clashes with their partner.... after a few weeks she discovered that the partner wasn't at work, he just liked having an afternoon to himself to 'see mates'. Was so rude it was hilarious. She knocked it on the head. Irrelevant to the thread, but if you're feeling guilty, remember some people really DO chance it. They aren't desperate. There are holiday clubs and childminders available. They'd just rather you did it for free. Well, I'd like my Tesco shop for free.

agnesf · 25/02/2013 17:04

I think its OK to say no to 4 days a week becuase that is a lot and its difficult to see how you friend could reciprocate for so much.

On the other hand, I do try to avoid having my kids spending too much time in formal/ paid childcare over the holidays not because I want to save money but because I want them to have a break from institutionalised arrangements. So if this is where your friend is coming from then I do get it. (I'm a bit surprised that lots of people have assumed that she's just motivated by money although if she is on her own I imagine that it takes a big chunk out of a single wage)

However I wouldn't ask a friend for so much. I might suggest a one day a week reciprocal arrangment if we were both happy with that e.g. the DCs get on and like each other and would enjoy it thereby making it non onerous for the parents. I have done this before and it worked pretty well.

But if I did suggest such a thing I'd make it clear that it was just a suggestion and totally open to negtiation on days or an outright no.

I think its ok to say that you want some one to one time with your DCs and the freedom to do what you want when you want.

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