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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not look after my friends children, just because i dont want to?

123 replies

The45King · 25/02/2013 15:28

I retrained a few years ago. A major driving force was that my new career is term time only and I could be around for/wit the kids during the school holidays. The training was a real hard slog and my children are in before and after school childcare. The pay off being that we get to spend all the holidays together.

My friend has asked if I can help her out with child care during the school holidays. She works part time all year round. We are both SPs and have a boy and a girl each. Shes asked if I wold consider the 4 days of the week that she works for a full week, or possibly a day each week..or anything really so that her children dont have to spend so much time in formal/paid child care.

The kids get on OK and like each other. I know what a PITA/struggle/stress holiday childcare is, but I just dont want to do it.

WIBU to just say no, for no good reason?

OP posts:
pingu2209 · 25/02/2013 17:16

I have found that when you commit to looking after other children in the holidays it is a real pain in the arse. I tend to have a list of things I agree with my children that we will do over the holidays - zoo trip, park, cinema etc. However, those trips are not on set dates as many of them are weather specific.

Last year I agreed to take my children to a place called Drusillas in Eastbourne but only when it was sunny. It is very expensive to get in so I wasn't taking anyone else's children with me. The summer weather was horrendous and it was sod's law that the days we had play dates so that the other mother could work, were also the sunny days.

My children were pissed off and so was I.

I don't mind helping out as an emergency cover but don't want to be committed too far in advance as it messes my days out around.

Greythorne · 25/02/2013 17:20

Emergency cover for a friend? Definitely

Unpaid work that I wasn't keen on for a friend? Not in a month of Sundays

Pandemoniaa · 25/02/2013 17:22

YANBU. I was always keen to help out with childcare but reciprocal arrangements that require such a lot of commitment from one side only are likely to be fraught with grief. I can also understand why you'd not want to make such a firm arrangement throughout the holidays.

What I'd tell your friend is that yes, you are happy to have her dcs in an emergency and wouldn't rule out them spending time with you and your dcs in the holidays. However, you don't feel you can commit to such a permanent and regular arrangement as she's currently proposing.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 17:28

I mean, the fact that she asked you to consider all 4 days, then possibly a day each week or anything really is someone trying it on. Just NO. If you wanted to become a childminder you'd become one.

bedmonster · 25/02/2013 17:32

I am SAHM. DP and I have made sacrifices over the years due to having one income.
Friend of mine regularly asked me to have her DC over the holidays and I didn't mind until it started to become 2-3 days every week of the holidays, every school holiday. She didn't pay me, I wouldn't have taken a penny off of her anyway. The DC all loved playing together but I didn't feel like we were getting enough time to just enjoy being at home. And there were times where my DC were invited to other friends houses and of course I was then 'stuck' at home with my friends DCs. We couldn't just get up and slob about in pjs, couldn't decide to drive down the beach for the day ( I have 3 DC of my own or else I would have had no issues taking them).
It basically started to feel like my friend was taking the piss properly when she was talking about her other friend who looked after her DC the remaining days, and saying how it was good she had such nice friends as she didn't have to shell out for childcare.
I sat her down and told her it wasn't working out and that I wasn't able to enjoy the holidays as I should have been, how one of the (many) upsides of being a SAH parent is the holidays and that she was taking the piss.
She now has a job in a school and we can both meet up during the holidays, so it's worked out for the best.
If I were you, I would probably say yes for one day a week max only due to your reasons listed. They are very valid. You have worked hard to enjoy the priviledge.

Tabliope · 25/02/2013 17:40

YANBU. If you agree this holiday you'll end up doing it every holiday for the next 5 years. Say no, sorry but I did this for the freedom and ability to be spontaneous with my kids and I don't want to be depended on by anyone else.

pingu2209 · 25/02/2013 17:42

Bedmonster - how did your friend react when you told her how you felt about the arrangement?

meddie · 25/02/2013 17:48

YANBU I wouldnt commit to minding other peoples children on a regular basis, especially as you specifically re trained to give yourself the holiday time freedom.
If it was an emergency then sure, but 4 days a week is taking the piss tbh. thats your whole holiday minding someone else's child so they dont have to pay. Its not on...
unfortunately people take the piss and you may find that she would also expect the same arrangements during other school holidays, once you have agreed to it for this one. then it becomes harder and harder to get out of.

coldcupoftea · 25/02/2013 18:00

If the kids get on well and are a similar age I wouldn't mind doing it for one or two days if she returned the favour on her days off so I got a couple of child free days. After all, it's no different to a playdate really.

I work term time, but last year the term dates ay my school totally clashed with my DD starting reception (she had 2 weeks of half days Angry) . If it hadn't been for a lovely SAHM friend picking her up every day for me along with her own DD I would have been completely stuck or else DH would have had to use up 2 weeks of annual leave. I made sure I returned the favour at half term!

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 18:07

She doesn't want to do one day a week regularly. No reason why she should, either, simply because the friend doesn't want to use paid childcare. Tough. The OP trained hard and has her kids in afterschool clubs during the term time to do this. She wants to enjoy max family time during the holidays.

Just say NO, OP. 'That doesn't work for us. You'll need to make other arrangements.' 'No, I cannot commit to regular childcare. You'll need to make other arrangements.'

deleted203 · 25/02/2013 18:08

Nope, YANBU. I'm assuming you are working in a school, perhaps, if you have holidays off. Me too. I work as a teacher and have always been around in the holidays to look after my DCs which works really well. A couple of years ago a friend basically did the same as this and asked if I could mind her kids in the summer holidays. I felt no guilt or shame at saying 'No'.

I work with kids all year - it's my job. And I like it. But I don't want to spend my holidays doing the same for free, thanks. I love having the time to finally devote to my own children - not to be (yet again) devoting time and energy to other people's.

ENormaSnob · 25/02/2013 18:13

Yanbu at all.

No way would I be doing this.

Nor would I dream of asking my sahm or teacher friends to have my dc during the holidays. I think it's really out of order to even ask.

Molehillmountain · 25/02/2013 18:15

I'm the ultimate nay sayer. I struggle with my three tbh and the one time I agreed to a reciprocal arrangement about drop offs it was rubbish. It seemed so simple on "paper" - I would drop her dd to school am and she would drop dd back. Reality was that instead of leaving when my three were ready I'd end up jigging my little baby until she arrived to drop her dd at ours. Only a few minutes but critical in terms of getting everyone calmly to school.

Not sure what that was meant to say except sometimes something people ask seems some in their head but ends up not being so. Your dc might get on but that's different from wanting them four days a week. Oh - and to say that if i think i am not unreasonable to say no to a simple non time consuming request then you're def nbu to say no to a huge demand.I pretty much have an emergencies only rule-for me asking or saying yes to others.

bedmonster · 25/02/2013 18:24

Pingu she was okay about it really. She was already thinking of changing jobs and actually ended up made redundant for a couple of months before landing her school job. And it included the October half term during which she didn't once offer to have any of my DC over for the day! (DDs are same ages as her 2 and get on well, my DS is 15m and I wouldn't have thought he would have had much fun if he had gone anyway!)
I was just honest with her and told her that for the next holidays she would have to make alternative arrangements for her DC as we wanted more flexibility and to be able to go out in the car to places - it was one of the big reasons I did my lessons and took my test, so that I could take them further afield like the beach, museums, to see relatives etc.
Best thing I ever did really. I wouldn't hesitate at all to have her DC again, just as a one off though!

letseatgrandma · 25/02/2013 18:26

I can't believe she asked, actually. If it were just down go not wanting them in ft childcare, she found have offered you what she's saving (4x£30x2 children x 6 weeks?!) I presume she didn't?!

I'm a teacher-my holidays are precious. It's also hard (and expensive) enough entertaining my own three sometimes, let alone two extra. I would hate it and it would ruin my friendship with her.

Just say you've thought about it and you are sorry but you can't commit to anything like that-no details. She really is trying it on and trying to save herself nearly £1500!! I bet she won't want your kids as well as hers on her one day off a week!

KatieScarlett2833 · 25/02/2013 18:29

No. You are on holiday. Other people's kids are work. You don't work on holiday, just say no. I did and it was fine.

ElsieMc · 25/02/2013 18:30

I looked after a friend's DD when my children were at primary school once a week. I did it because she took my DD to the bus stop for me each morning saving me being late for work regularly. I didn't really want to do it, but it was just fine because she was not a needy child and often very funny. She even enjoyed my bad tempers which she found hilarious. She gratefully ate her tea and felt comfortable enough to help herself to biscuits etc afterwards. Best of all her mum worked in a confectioners and always brought me cakes etc when she collected. She was also company for my two.

I'm just saying really that it all depends on what the child is like and I did owe her mum big time after all, whereas you do not.

She remembered me though and invited me to her eighteenth!

FashionFail · 25/02/2013 18:32

'Time alone with my children is precious. You know I work long hours in term time, and they go to after-school care. The holidays are our opportunity to make family memories. So, no, I can't commit to this but best of luck finding someone'

Original poster
The45King · 25/02/2013 18:42

I actually don't think that it is about wanting free childcare from me. Although of course as a SP, money is an issue always. I really think she probabl intends to repay the favour....but like many have said, in reality that is probably not going to happen.

I think her motivation for asking me, is to give the kids a break from the routine. Which I completely sympathise with, as it was a very big motivation for my career change!

But, even if she did offer to pay me going rate for child care, I still wouldn't want to do it

Can you tell, I don't want to do it?! Grin

I don't begrudge her asking, bur I am going to say no

OP posts:
Original poster
The45King · 25/02/2013 18:44

Ah, that's a lovely story elsie! Smile

OP posts:
MoreBeta · 25/02/2013 18:48

Of course she is looking for free childcare. She is guilt tripping you.

When DCs were younger we used to have this all the time from working parens swho knew we worked from home. It was always couched as a' playdate' or some such but in reality it was just free childcare and it was always timed for the half term break.

We just used to say no - we are too busy.

thebody · 25/02/2013 18:59

Tell her to big off love. I worked as a cm and retrained as a TA so I had not just school hours and holidays but much more precious time with just my OWN kids.

4 days a week would be a ridiculous commitment to make anyway. If she pays you then you are breaking the law as you aren't a registered cm.

If she doesn't pay you what happens when you want to go out? You would pay for her kids treats.

Just practise saying no sorry its just too much of a commitment for us as we may be going away last minute depending upon the weather.

If she doesn't like it then what have you lost here.

GetOrf · 25/02/2013 19:07

I agree with expat and others.

And I have always worked FT and wouldn't have dreamed of asking this of a friend. I wouldn't be so cheeky.

Tryharder · 25/02/2013 19:07

It is a big ask, but disagree with those saying your friend is being cheeky or taking the piss. Helping your friend out is ......being a friend, isn't it?

I can understand you not wanting to commit to every week but personally would see no harm in 1-2 days per week.

JenaiMorris · 25/02/2013 19:12

I dunno, I think I'd have offered. I totally get the time alone with your children thing, but there are a lot of holidays, you'll get plenty of that.

Maybe I'm thinking this because my son is older so whilst family time is important he's more inclined to do his own thing, so it's rarer through choice.

Also (and significantly I suspect) he's an only, so we'd both get more out of such an arrangement.