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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not look after my friends children, just because i dont want to?

123 replies

The45King · 25/02/2013 15:28

I retrained a few years ago. A major driving force was that my new career is term time only and I could be around for/wit the kids during the school holidays. The training was a real hard slog and my children are in before and after school childcare. The pay off being that we get to spend all the holidays together.

My friend has asked if I can help her out with child care during the school holidays. She works part time all year round. We are both SPs and have a boy and a girl each. Shes asked if I wold consider the 4 days of the week that she works for a full week, or possibly a day each week..or anything really so that her children dont have to spend so much time in formal/paid child care.

The kids get on OK and like each other. I know what a PITA/struggle/stress holiday childcare is, but I just dont want to do it.

WIBU to just say no, for no good reason?

OP posts:
MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 25/02/2013 15:52

I think you should just say something like this...

I've thought about it, but I can't, I'm sorry. If we wake up and fancy a camping trip, I dont want to have to not do it because i agreed to have B & G for you during the time we'd like to be away - I wouldn't want to let you down. This is the reason that I endured the training and tolerate having DD & DS in afterschool childcare so we can have total flexibility in the holidays

diddl · 25/02/2013 15:52

I'd be willing to help in an emergency, but wouldnt want the responsibility/restriction of regularly looking after someone else's children.

SirEdmundFrillary · 25/02/2013 15:52

If you don't want to, don't. I know it's more complicated than that but that's the gist.

missnevermind · 25/02/2013 15:53

Tell her you are not able to commit to anything in advance and that it would be unfair on her if you said yes now and had to change it at a later date.

Of course you will be able to / might like to take them for the odd day if you can plan it but it would be short notice and a treat / playdate type thing

Will she be paying you? No thought not.

FeckOffCup · 25/02/2013 15:53

YANBU it's not your responsibility to worry about her childcare. I have a friend who looks after her niece while her SIL works part time, she is stressed from having an extra child as well as her own 2 (they are all toddlers/babies) and the SIL never pays her expenses as promised for taking the niece out to soft play, toddler groups etc. I don't know how she hasn't got fed up with it by now and told her to get paid childcare instead.

TheSecondComing · 25/02/2013 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 15:55

It's not helping out, it's providing regular childcare at the expense of her own family.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 25/02/2013 15:55

If it were me I'd agree to do it for a few set dates, maybe once a fortnight. The children get on so it would be variety for them and that's not a huge commitment.
I totally get why you don't want to do it and I think its a bit cheeky to ask you to do it for all the days but presumably there is a reciprocal element to it, so she mgiht take your DCs to school one day or look after them if there is an inset day or such like?

persimmon · 25/02/2013 15:56

I don't think you are BU at all. I don't think she should have asked; it's a massive commitment that would really affect your time with your kids at home.

Feelingood · 25/02/2013 15:57

I would have said YNBU followed by but don't you want your dc to have someone else to play with, especially towards end when you run out of ideas/tired/kids bored....but I've just had a guest here for a sleep over and I've mithered about it but his behaviour along with so of my own day spoilt a day out.

So if you looking forward to relaxing and spending time with your own dc's, pyjamas days, special planned stuff I would now say YDNBU!

Feelingood · 25/02/2013 15:57

Fwiw I would never ask and never have when we have been stuck inc when dd was born.

tallulah · 25/02/2013 15:57

If she is PT all year does she have your DC before and after school? I suspect not, as you say they are in childcare. That being the case why should you have hers in your time off?

I work every day and this half term my DD has been at a holiday club. She'll be at a different one for a week at easter and 2 weeks of the summer. That is life when you have to work.

If you don't want the commitment, say no (but do it now so she'll still have time to get the discounts on the holiday clubs). And no, YANBU.

MrsMelons · 25/02/2013 15:58

If I had every day off in the summer holidays I would have no issue with offering a day a week. I would also feel pretty comfortable having pyjama days with all the kids so that would be fine if we fancied doing nothing on those days. I have to work 2 days a week in the holidays and I still look after other peoples children.

It isn't unreasonable for you to say no though as it is your choice and you only need to say you are not comfortable committing so far in advance as you are considering going away or something and want the flexibility.

OrangePetals · 25/02/2013 15:58

What about suggesting she return the favour on one of the three days she doesn't work?

comingintomyown · 25/02/2013 15:58

Never get where people find the nerve to make requests like this

I understand what you mean by wanting to fly by the seat of your pants in the holidays and not have childminding a friends DC booked in

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 15:59

Don't apologise or justify! Why should you? She wants you to commit to regular, free childcare. That's a pisstake. You did what you did to have that flexibility and spontaneity. You don't owe her anything but an answer, 'That doesn't work for us. My answer is no.'

Dogsmom · 25/02/2013 16:00

Yanbu, it's cheeky of your friend to ask but I do understand how it's put you on the spot, if you feel like this now imagine how you'll feel if you did agree because you felt pressured.

DragonMamma · 25/02/2013 16:01

YANBU

I think it's a big ask - she's clearly trying to avoid forking out paying for 2 sets of childcare over the holidays by calling in favours.

I wouldn't do it because there are lots of school holidays and I wouldn't want to feel obliged to have them for a day or two a week over the summer holidays.

I am a sahm and my DD asks to go to holiday club, as her friends go so I'm in the reverse position in that I have to pay for 2 days a week childcare that I don't need to, so she can see her friends...

MrsMelons · 25/02/2013 16:02

I didn't think about the fact she is part time and clearly hasn't helped you out - maybe I would not be so keen. The friends I help out often help me out too.

purpleroses · 25/02/2013 16:02

You don't have to help her if you don't want to - but it might be worth remembering that it can be very useful to have people who owe you a favour or two, especially as a SP. Teacher training days, a slighly ill child (too ill for school, but OK for slobbing round your friend's house), your two DCs needing collecting from different places at the same time, a DC in hospital, needing you with them.....

Working term time won't guaruntee you won't ever need someone to do you a favour. So I'd offer what I could if I were you - even if that's just one or two days at the start of the holidays, or whatever you think would work and still give you the freedom you want for most of it.

slatternlymother · 25/02/2013 16:02

YANBU. I do think it's cheeky of her tbh; looking after her kids now and then is one thing.

What's she going to do if you can't look after them? Pay for childcare, that's what.

She's trying to get a freebie out of you. Cheeky caaah! Wink

DontmindifIdo · 25/02/2013 16:03

So your DCs go to the after school club but hers don't because she can pick them up, but she doesn't offer to take yours so you don't have to pay?

If she couldn't find a childminder or had been let down at the last minute, then ok, or if she said she had a childminder who was going to be away one week of the holidays as she was asking you to cover that, then again, that would be ok. But she's asking you instead of paying when she's not offered you the same when she could quite easily have done.

Don't feel bad about saying no.

DeepRedBetty · 25/02/2013 16:04

As another person who dumped old career for something that was termtime only for less money, there's no way I'd take on a commitment during those precious weeks. Yanbu.

BlatantLies · 25/02/2013 16:04

She was not being U to ask. a bit cheeky though
YANBU to decline.
YANBU not to give a reason.

I would really dislike looking after someone else's DC's.

DeepRedBetty · 25/02/2013 16:06

To clarify, if a mate rang the day before in a panic because something's gone wrong, or even that morning, of course I'd help if I could. But not planned weeks in advance!