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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not look after my friends children, just because i dont want to?

123 replies

The45King · 25/02/2013 15:28

I retrained a few years ago. A major driving force was that my new career is term time only and I could be around for/wit the kids during the school holidays. The training was a real hard slog and my children are in before and after school childcare. The pay off being that we get to spend all the holidays together.

My friend has asked if I can help her out with child care during the school holidays. She works part time all year round. We are both SPs and have a boy and a girl each. Shes asked if I wold consider the 4 days of the week that she works for a full week, or possibly a day each week..or anything really so that her children dont have to spend so much time in formal/paid child care.

The kids get on OK and like each other. I know what a PITA/struggle/stress holiday childcare is, but I just dont want to do it.

WIBU to just say no, for no good reason?

OP posts:
adeucalione · 25/02/2013 15:30

YWNBU - I think she's a bit cheeky to have asked you, and am sure that - as a friend - she will have understood your perfectly understandable reasons.

Zaphiro · 25/02/2013 15:32

You wouldn't be U to refuse. However it might be nice to offer to take them for a pre-agreed couple of days, as a kind gesture and because the children would like it. Couple of picnics/park trips wouldn't hurt.

ChasedByBees · 25/02/2013 15:32

It sounds like a perfectly good reason. YANBU.

LahleeMooloo · 25/02/2013 15:33

I work full time all year round and wouldn't dream of imposing on my friend like that who works only term time. We are both lps.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 15:33

YANBU! Do not apologise. 'That doesn't work for us. It's going to have to be a no.'

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 25/02/2013 15:36

YANBU but maybe a little less kind than you could be. You get all of the holidays off, not many jobs allow you to do that. I know you retrained etc, but still...

Wont you consider it for a day a week or something? I can see why you wouldn't want them all week or if your kids didn't like them - but they all get on, would one day a week be such a hardship to give them a bit of a break from formal childcare?

If they wanted to come I'd have them the night before for a sleep over too so they get a break from having to get up and rush about.

You don't have to tell her why not? But... why not?

mrsjay · 25/02/2013 15:37

Yanbu I did it years ago for a friend she worked 2 till 8 and I had her son over dinner time he didnt like this or that or the next thing always wanted tow atch HIS PROGRAMMES , dd and him got on ok but it was stressful I did it over easter and said NO at summer time , dont do it you dont need to give a reason

plum100 · 25/02/2013 15:38

YANBU - you have planned your career around your chikdren/ homelife - youve taken rexponsibilty for your own family - as she should do .

thezebrawearspurple · 25/02/2013 15:38

Say no, it was wrong of her to ask you, nobody's so deluded they believe you want to look after their kids for free, she's relying on you to say yes out of guilt or fear of causing offence. I'd be pissed off with such an arrogant request tbh.

Say no as bluntly as she asked. If she asks for an explanation 'I don't want to' is truthful and to the point, nobody can argue with that.

Original poster
The45King · 25/02/2013 15:39

oh phew! I thought you were all going to come and say I was being mean/a terrible friend!!

zaphiro i agree in theory, and have considered that. But she obviously needs to get her child care arrangements all organised in advance. I dont want to be committed to anybody else. I want to be able to be spontaneous. If we wake up and fancy a camping trip, I dont want to have to not do it because i agreed to take her children out for the day in the middle of that week for example. Or if we wake up and want a lazy pyjama day etc etc... I know its selfish.. But this is the reason that I endured the training and tolerate having my kids in afterschool childcare

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 15:40

'You don't have to tell her why not? But... why not?'

Because she doesn't want to. She retrained to have time with her family, not be a childminder.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 15:41

It's not selfish at all. You did this to have that spontaneity. So tell her, 'That doesn't work for us. No, can't do it.'

PearlyWhites · 25/02/2013 15:42

I disagree surely you could help your friend out one day a week isn't part of being a friend is going out of your way for each other?

Original poster
The45King · 25/02/2013 15:43

i dont think its cheeky of her to ask. Ive looked after her children before, and she has looked after mine. I dont mind having them at weekends

I do KNOW it is selfish really i suppose. Im probably looking for yous to say that its ok to be selfish Grin

Explaining why will be hard.

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 25/02/2013 15:44

YANBU and I wouldn't be pressurised into thinking you should do one day a week in order to be a little more kind.
Like you say, you have retrained and reorganised to do what's best for your family. You shouldn't feel bad that you don't want to accommodate someone else's.
I'm really amazed that she's asked you to be honest. I think it's a bloody cheek.

Groovee · 25/02/2013 15:46

I looked after a friend's dd when she went back to work and had a childcare issue. It was only one afternoon but it was a PITA.

Last summer I had a friends 2 children 2 days a week. They are the same age as my 2 and it went fine and I would do it again.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 25/02/2013 15:46

45 - well fair enough :) if you have that much flexibility that you can just go camping at the drop of a tent peg, it would be a shame to lose that just to help her kids out.

I guess you could still take her kids out or have them around at yours if you are going to be around though, she's looking for them to have a break from the childcare situation, so it doesn't matter if she's paid for the week and they only go four days or whatever.

expatinscotland · 25/02/2013 15:48

It's a commitment you didn't want, don't want and worked hard to avoid. So don't.

Branleuse · 25/02/2013 15:48

you're not being unreasonable but it'd be nice if you offered something even if you said you don't want it to be every week

BackforGood · 25/02/2013 15:49

YANBU to say no, if you really don't want to, but I think my answer would depend a lot on the age and temprement of the dc. A lot of dc get quite bored in the school hols, and would welcome some friends round (as you say, it's a 'part time' day, not a 10 hour day), and would then entertain each other, if they are in the 6 - 12 age range. However if they are 5 and under, then it falls upon you to play with them / look after them a lot more, and that's a totally different story. Ultimately, I try to help folk out if I can - particularly if it's not really going to be any skin off my nose - so I probably would say yes to one day a week or something. Over the years, lots of people have helped me out when they could, and I try to do the same for others.

Corygal · 25/02/2013 15:49

YANBU. She's probably tried it on with everyone. Your kids, your time, your holidays. Say no and don't apologise.

The only other reasonable answer is say yes to 1 day a week if she tells her nanny to take your kids for another day a week. Bet she won't say yes to that....

pigletmania · 25/02/2013 15:50

Yanbu that is a big ask and se shoud therefore e prepared for the possibility you will say no.

Zaphiro · 25/02/2013 15:51

The45King fair enough Smile. I quite like planning ahead but can understand you like the freedom.

Spookey80 · 25/02/2013 15:51

I also don't like being tied to any kind of arrangements if I can possibly hate it.
Yanbu, I would feel the same, hard to explain, but just wouldn't want to feel restricted.

BalloonSlayer · 25/02/2013 15:51

I think the clue is in that she wants them to go to you instead of to "formal/paid childcare."

In other words, she is trying it on.