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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with my pil and to think its up to me. to discipline my children

117 replies

chocoholic05 · 25/02/2013 14:32

Yesterday afternoon my pil came round. Ds1 was playing up and I removed him from the room when he came back in he became aggressive towards his brother again. This happened a number of times he's normally a good boy but yesterday he was not he's 7. To cut along story short after ds hit his brother again fil got hold of him pulled his trousers and pants down and was about to smack him! I screamed (extremely unlike me) no fil he's my child and you don't touch him!!! He then made out he wasn't really going to do it and mil then said its a pity you don't smack him he'd probably be a lot better behaved! Sooo angry shaking now just thinking about yesterday!

OP posts:
WobblyHalo · 25/02/2013 14:35

Wow! I usually don't mind if other people tell my children off if they deserve it, but my god, I would've screamed too!! Smacking him?!

I don't actually know what to say. YANBU.

HecateWhoopass · 25/02/2013 14:37

He pulled his underwear down? that is totally out of order.

you don't humiliate a child like that. And it's not his place to decide to hit your child, even if he thought you weren't dealing with the matter 'properly'. (i'm not saying you weren't, I'm speculating how he may have viewed it)

you weren't allowing him to be aggressive without consequence. You removed him from the room, he came back in and started again, you were doing something about it. ok, after a few times it would have become apparent that something else needed to be done because he wasn't responding to simply being made to leave the room for a few minutes, but there's no need to hit someone in order to deal with their behaviour!

And hitting someone in order to teach them that being aggressive is wrong is laughable! Bloody laughable.

TotallyEggFlipped · 25/02/2013 14:37

FIL telling him off sternly would have been appropriate. Smacking or threatening to smack definitely is not. YANBU.

landofsoapandglory · 25/02/2013 14:39

It would be a cold day in hell before they were welcome in my house again!

YADNBU!

Flisspaps · 25/02/2013 14:44

I agree with landofsoapandglory.

To help with appropriate discipline (telling off if you're not in the room and the DC are misbehaving, for example) is fine

To pull down the trousers and pants of a child, with the intention of humiliating and smacking them, is not OK.

I hope your DP is backing you up?

BambieO · 25/02/2013 14:49

My DS is too young for any of this just yet but YANBU at all!!! I would have gone mad if anyone tried to lay a finger on my DS and agree about the underwear coming down, even more despicable

JuliaScurr · 25/02/2013 14:49

The appropriate thing is to remind the child that his/her parent has told them to ... not to take over

Blahdy liberdy!

TotallyBursar · 25/02/2013 14:56

YANBU - agree with Hecate entirely.

Not only was there no need to smack, it was not his place anyway.

Whether or not they were getting frustrated as removal was not working is immaterial. In that situation I would have been happy for GPs to be stern or to express their disappointment (in the behaviour, not my child) but shouting, smacking or any other aggression - no, absolutely not.

Off they can jolly well fuck and they won't be getting over the threashold into the place my dcs should feel safest anytime soon.

Rosa · 25/02/2013 15:05

Agree he did not do the right thing however if you could see he was having a bad day and I usually can see if there is going to be further violence then you should have been watching him like a hawk and you should have intervened there and then... As sending him out of the room obviously diddn't work.

NopeStillNothing · 25/02/2013 15:11

Ofcourse your PIL was BU. There is absolutely no excuse for that. However, at the risk of being very unpopular, after you had removed DS, he returned, continued to be aggresive, hit his brother again, and FIL had time to go to him, pull his pants down and raise his hand before you intervened? Are you sure you were paying adequate attention to your sons aggresive behaviour?

Please dont get me wrong, Pil was 100% in the wrong and in your shoes I would be fuming, but if I had already disciplined my son and he returned into the room to hit his brother again he would be in alot of trouble and there would have been no opportunity for pil to try to 'take over' iyswim.

Roseformeplease · 25/02/2013 15:14

How does hitting a child teach that child not to hit? That would be the line I would take with FiL, in addition to your totally understandable outrage at his taking over.

thezebrawearspurple · 25/02/2013 15:27

How did your fil have that much time to get his pants down and why hadn't you already intervened before he had a chance to? Sounds like he thought if he doesn't do something nobody will, at least not before his other grandchild was seriously hurt.

yabu, if you were as protective of your other son from your elder sons violence as you are of anyone else dealing with it (however wrongly), then this wouldn't have happened.

KellyElly · 25/02/2013 15:56

That is awful! Pulling down a child's pants is completely humiliating and I would have gone absolutely mad.

HDEE · 25/02/2013 16:05

Welcome to Mumsnet, OP.

chocolatetester1 · 25/02/2013 16:48

Yanbu.
It takes less than 1 sec to pull down pants, we're currently potty training so that I know.
Only thing smacking teaches is that it's ok for bigger people to hit smaller people. Def yanbu.

lookingfoxy · 25/02/2013 16:52

Wow thats definetly out of order.
At 7 your ds would have been humiliated.
I wouldn't have minded fil telling them off as well, but that was definetly a step too far.

firawla · 25/02/2013 16:55

if anyone pulled my dcs trousers and pants down they would be having a fking smack themselves pil or not!!!!
they are out of order, your poor ds. yanbu whatsoever.

TidyDancer · 25/02/2013 16:58

It is appropriate for FIL to discipline your DS, but it is not okay for him to be violent with him!

I would never leave my DCs alone with people that would be willing to do such a horrific thing.

TidyDancer · 25/02/2013 16:58

YANBU btw.

OhTheConfusion · 25/02/2013 17:07

I am disgusted at your FIL's behavior. You don't humiliate and hurt children regardless of the situation. What did your DH say? I would be worried PIL treat the kids like this and they would NEVER be alone with my children again!

PessaryPam · 25/02/2013 17:20

LTB.

scaredbutexcited · 25/02/2013 17:25

That's horrendous! YANBU. I wouldn't want him alone with my children for quite some time. YANBU!!!

MammaTJ · 25/02/2013 17:28

YANBU!! I hope they don't do any child care for you!

How does your DP/DH view this?

anonymosity · 25/02/2013 17:30

YANBU and he's proposing to break the law now with smacking, isn't he? Did you point that out too - I wouldn't be afraid to say I'd call the police if anyone ever dared do this to either of my children.

ENormaSnob · 25/02/2013 17:34

Yanbu

I would be furious.