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AIBU?

to be furious with my pil and to think its up to me. to discipline my children

117 replies

chocoholic05 · 25/02/2013 14:32

Yesterday afternoon my pil came round. Ds1 was playing up and I removed him from the room when he came back in he became aggressive towards his brother again. This happened a number of times he's normally a good boy but yesterday he was not he's 7. To cut along story short after ds hit his brother again fil got hold of him pulled his trousers and pants down and was about to smack him! I screamed (extremely unlike me) no fil he's my child and you don't touch him!!! He then made out he wasn't really going to do it and mil then said its a pity you don't smack him he'd probably be a lot better behaved! Sooo angry shaking now just thinking about yesterday!

OP posts:

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coralanne · 27/02/2013 10:13

Ummabby. I entirely understand what you are saying.

However there is never any justification for smacking or hitting.

There is a trend at the moment for "king hitting". Usually late at night when different people (usually youths after a big night out) get into an altercation with someone else.

There have been reports of deaths eventuating from these king hits.

I'm sure these acts of king hitting weren't premediated but the results were devestating.

Greensleeves · 27/02/2013 10:19

I posted on this yesterday and still feel completely revolted by it

my stepfather used to do exactly what your FIL was about to do OP. I remember the humiliation, the shock and pain. So does my brother. Stepfather was a perv as well as a bully.

Definitely agree you shouldn't ever let him take your dc out unsupervised.

Have you checked with your children that this hasn't happened before?

abbyfromoz · 27/02/2013 10:20

Um carol... Sad....but I see no relevance. i feel no more desire to justify what i have said either... Kind of digressing from the main point of the OP. All the best.

coralanne · 27/02/2013 22:48

Thanks abby. It is coral though.

Yes it is a very emotional subject. I think the OP reacted in exactly the same way as 99.9% of people would. (including me)

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 27/02/2013 22:56

YANBU FIL has done it to dn when she was 10. She's now 12 & he still smacks, through clothes. The family set up is v different & sil (his dd) is lazy very passive. I don't object to smacking in certain, extreme cases, but never accompanied by pants down, never in response to a hitting incident & NEVER EVER by another adult if me or dh is present.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 27/02/2013 23:00

anonymosity smacking per se isn't illegal actually...
Obviously not commenting on OP's situation but only on that limited point.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 27/02/2013 23:02

Well said flatbread

babiesinslingsgetcoveredinfood · 27/02/2013 23:03

True smacking is not illegal. Urban myth that. Beating shit out of them is frowned upon...

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/02/2013 23:06

It is in Scotland with children under a certain age and it is a crime in England if any mark is left even if the mark is very temporary and fades quickly.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 23:07

UGH. I feel ill just reading about that. How horrible. Of course Yanbu. Your fil was totally out of order.

anonymosity · 27/02/2013 23:48

So it is illegal Sockretuningpixie? I remember reading it was in the UK press in about 2007 or 2008

cory · 27/02/2013 23:51

Only illegal if it leaves a mark anonymosity. There have been proposals to make it illegal but nothing has happened so far.

However, most people (and I suspect SS) would look very askance at a man who pulled down a 7yos trousers to administer punishment; that would be seen as inappropriate for his age group and borderline pervy. If the boy were to tell this story at school it could trigger an investigation.

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/02/2013 23:58

Incidently the mark could be as minor as a slight blush that disappears within minutes.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/02/2013 00:02

Oh and if no mark is left its only considered to be reasonable chastisement if its done by a person with PR,if you don't have or its automatically assault.

Someone with pr cannot just say that they said it was ok to do as you cannot give consent for an assault.

So its fairly safe to say its almost as good as being illegal

SirBoobAlot · 28/02/2013 00:14

Don't care if it leaves a mark or not, hitting a child is wrong.

And if someone else hit my child, went to hit my child, or suggested that they should be hit, it would be a snowballs chance in hell that they would ever go anywhere near them again. Seeing as your DH was in the room, your FIL obviously does not give a shit about either of your opinions, or respect you in the slightest.

Fucking hell, I'm furious for you OP.

Lueji · 28/02/2013 08:03

mil then said its a pity you don't smack him he'd probably be a lot better behaved!

And maybe if you punched them, they won't even consider smacking your child again without your permission and with pants down.

Totally on your side on this one.

However, BTW, you may want to revisit your disciplining and parenting strategies, though, if your child did behave like that, including hitting his brother more than once. Don't let it go away just because of what happened with PIL.
At 7 he should not be hitting his siblings repeatedly.

whiteflame · 28/02/2013 09:04

I am with Flatbread. Agree that FIL was out of line, but everyone is up in arms because he almost hit DS1, when the younger sibling was actually hit, twice.

Goldmandra · 28/02/2013 09:52

but everyone is up in arms because he almost hit DS1

That is because the OP has posted asking for opinions on how to deal with another adult behaving extremely inappropriately.

Dealing with a child hitting his brother is an important issue but also a whole different thread.

In the meantime let's credit her with the good sense to deal with it appropriately because we have no reason to suppose she isn't doing this and concentrate on the question she has asked.

whiteflame · 28/02/2013 15:49

I disagree that my comment is not relevant. Of course the reasonableness of someone's behaviour is dependent on the circumstances.

To put it another way, YANBU to be annoyed about the method that FIL used. But, I rather think he has a point about your DSs behaviour in this instance.

chocoholic05 · 03/03/2013 21:52

Using this thread as I'm too lazy to go through the details again! Basically mil suggested today about having the boys over Easter weekend at their caravan for two or three nights. It's about fifty miles away by the sea they have never stayed over at pil for so much as a night before even though they only live up the road. I said no for a number of reasons distance and it being time I wanted with the family etcetc! Mil not happy!

OP posts:

SanityClause · 03/03/2013 21:54

Well, unfortunately they have lost your trust, and are going to have to gain it back before you let them be in sole charge of your DC.

chocoholic05 · 03/03/2013 21:59

Exactly and why make the first sleepover such a distance away? Why have they never suggested a sleepover before?

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pigletmania · 03/03/2013 22:04

Smacking aside, it's an swfully long way without your children.

chocoholic05 · 03/03/2013 22:12

Thats how I feel it is a very long way. Also this is the first time dh has ever had the whole of. Easter off since the dc were born as previously he has always had to work either the Saturday or good Friday or Easter Sunday orMonday but as he has recently changed jobs that is nolonger the case! Mil knows this so I was a bit taken aback tbh!

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 03/03/2013 22:44

I don't think you have a choice about this. You can't send them away without all of you having had a frank discussion about the incident which started this thread.

They need an opportunity to express their views about your parenting and you need to show that you are hearing what they say but do not agree that their choice of discipline is better. You then need to make it very clear that you won't tolerate them ever using any sort of corporal punishment on your children and they need to acknowledge this and agree to abide by your wishes.

Until this conversation happens they will continue to believe that you just need to be shown how to discipline children properly and you will never be able to trust them alone with your children.

Aside from this issue you still have every right to say no. Your children aren't use to being away overnight and you would like to spend Easter together as a family. That is a very reasonable position to take.

Do you think this is them trying to make amends or them deciding to take your children away so they can 'sort them out'?

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