to be furious with my pil and to think its up to me. to discipline my children

[chocoholic05]

Yesterday afternoon my pil came round. Ds1 was playing up and I removed him from the room when he came back in he became aggressive towards his brother again. This happened a number of times he's normally a good boy but yesterday he was not he's 7. To cut along story short after ds hit his brother again fil got hold of him pulled his trousers and pants down and was about to smack him! I screamed (extremely unlike me) no fil he's my child and you don't touch him!!! He then made out he wasn't really going to do it and mil then said its a pity you don't smack him he'd probably be a lot better behaved! Sooo angry shaking now just thinking about yesterday!

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Saggy it is against the law if the child is under a certain age in Scotland

And in England if a mark is left the mark does not have to be long lasting.

[Babybeesmama]

YADNBU! I'd of been livid! X

[saggyhairyarse]

Actually, it is not against the law for parents to smack their children but it is against the law for grandparents to do. He stepped over the line :(

[Greensleeves]

I would use MIL's crazy request as an opportunity to have the discussion you need to have about discipline and PIL's boundaries around the boys. You need to raise it with them anyway and this provides a platform.

I would want to meet PIL face to face, with dh, and make it absolutely clear that what he did to your son was totally unacceptable and if it happens again you will call the police. Don't let them trivialise it. It was assault.

I wouldn't allow them to have my children unsupervised at all, simple as that. And I'd make sure they knew why.

Your son must have felt so humiliated and scared.

[chocoholic05]

Oh and mil.is unbelievably easily offended. Last week was the first time I'd ever stood up to them. They do tend to take over especially if were visiting them things like making the dc fold their arms whilst waiting for food to be dished up. Odd stuff like that!

[chocoholic05]

Meant less than one day! Obviously haha!!!

[chocoholic05]

Ds2 has only ever stayed over my parents once for only one night. It was less than one nught! He's quite clingy by nnature and he even told me off for going out on Saturday night with friends! Didn't stop me though! :)

[Lueji]

There's only on answer to that and it's
You have got to be kidding!
I don't trust you alone with my children.

[Goldmandra]

Why thank you, Sockreturningpixie

Actually, when I pressed post I was thinking I hadn't expressed it very well at all but didn't have time to edit it

[zipzap]

I think a simple 'no, you know we already have plans for easter' is fine. (and repeat it lots if she says that you weren't going away anywhere - planning to be alone at home for a whole Easter long weekend sounds a fab plan and is perfectly valid as a plan).

Then follow it with a 'I'm sure we can sort out a different time for the boys to have a sleepover with you once they (and I) are ready for it when hell freezes over maybe august 5th 2029 would be good?'

And then if they push for anything sooner than that, you need to have the talk and say that you are not prepared toilet them look after your dc until they buck up their ideas etc. Other posters are right - they are just going to see you as a childthat doesn't know how to parent 'properly' - ie their way - until you can impresson them that they are your children, you get to choose how they are parented and that their ways are now outdated and potentially illegal and that there is no way on earth you are prepared to leave your dc unaccompanied with them when you are in the same house let alone with a long distance between you.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Fair point well presented.

I concur with that assessment. ( and it must have been very reasonable because I never concur with anything)

[Goldmandra]

Why does she have to listen to there views on her parenting and why does the op have to show she's heard them?

It isn't because I think their views are at all valid. It's because I think that people find it easier to let things like this go once they feel they have been listened to. The PILs think that their method of discipline is the only way and that the OP just won't give it a go. By allowing them to have their say and then putting her (and her DH's) views across they should all be able to move forward more positively.

What the FIL did was totally unacceptable and must never happen again but this whole family has to find a way to rebuild their relationships. Allowing others to have their say, even if you don't agree is a good way to start that process.

Letting them know the consequences if they try it again and saying no to the Easter trip should happen too of course.

[Yfronts]

I think IL's are totally out of order - he was wanting to hit a child for hitting another child. How crazy to use violence to stop child using violence. Very backwards. A a bad example too. Call the police next time.

BUT there are obviously some things that need ironing out with your DC. I agree with time out for hitting. You also need to work out why your son is hitting your other child? Does he need more attention form you? Can you watch and see what the underlying problem is. How can you encourage him to solve things through talking? Can you all sit down and work out a way forward?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Gold.

Why does she have to listen to there views on her parenting and why does the op have to show she's heard them?

I would have thought a simple " you remove my child's clothes again and either smack o attempt to smack him and I will call the police, and no to the going away" would be more than acceptable

[HorryIsUpduffed]

MIL is insane if she thinks that's a reasonable first sleepover even under normal circumstances.

[chocoholic05]

I honesty don't know what mil was thinking gold!!!

[chocoholic05]

they have been away before gold with my parents always local and never both boys together just never with my pil. My parents always maintain that having them one at a time is better because if I am honest they do have their moments and individually that situation just doesn't occur and they get loads of individual one to one attention! The boys really like that too! :)

[Goldmandra]

I don't think you have a choice about this. You can't send them away without all of you having had a frank discussion about the incident which started this thread.

They need an opportunity to express their views about your parenting and you need to show that you are hearing what they say but do not agree that their choice of discipline is better. You then need to make it very clear that you won't tolerate them ever using any sort of corporal punishment on your children and they need to acknowledge this and agree to abide by your wishes.

Until this conversation happens they will continue to believe that you just need to be shown how to discipline children properly and you will never be able to trust them alone with your children.

Aside from this issue you still have every right to say no. Your children aren't use to being away overnight and you would like to spend Easter together as a family. That is a very reasonable position to take.

Do you think this is them trying to make amends or them deciding to take your children away so they can 'sort them out'?

[chocoholic05]

Thats how I feel it is a very long way. Also this is the first time dh has ever had the whole of. Easter off since the dc were born as previously he has always had to work either the Saturday or good Friday or Easter Sunday orMonday but as he has recently changed jobs that is nolonger the case! Mil knows this so I was a bit taken aback tbh!

[pigletmania]

Smacking aside, it's an swfully long way without your children.

[chocoholic05]

Exactly and why make the first sleepover such a distance away? Why have they never suggested a sleepover before?

[SanityClause]

Well, unfortunately they have lost your trust, and are going to have to gain it back before you let them be in sole charge of your DC.

[chocoholic05]

Using this thread as I'm too lazy to go through the details again! Basically mil suggested today about having the boys over Easter weekend at their caravan for two or three nights. It's about fifty miles away by the sea they have never stayed over at pil for so much as a night before even though they only live up the road. I said no for a number of reasons distance and it being time I wanted with the family etcetc! Mil not happy!

[whiteflame]

I disagree that my comment is not relevant. Of course the reasonableness of someone's behaviour is dependent on the circumstances.

To put it another way, YANBU to be annoyed about the method that FIL used. But, I rather think he has a point about your DSs behaviour in this instance.

[Goldmandra]

but everyone is up in arms because he almost hit DS1

That is because the OP has posted asking for opinions on how to deal with another adult behaving extremely inappropriately.

Dealing with a child hitting his brother is an important issue but also a whole different thread.

In the meantime let's credit her with the good sense to deal with it appropriately because we have no reason to suppose she isn't doing this and concentrate on the question she has asked.