to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

[alisunshine29]

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

means he'd never have a night out or. Weekend to himself again as he'd be working or have the kids - that's hardly selfish.

Are you fucking kidding me? He hasn't seen his kids for sixteen months because he's worried he might not get the occasional night out? Are you seriously fucking kidding me? It's called being a PARENT!!!! He should be willing to give up everything to want to spend what little time he can with his children. Fuck his career, fuck his nights at the pub. He's a lazy, arrogrant arsehole, and you're enabling his behaviour. Just don't come crying on this forum when he turns around and does the same thing to you. Because he will.

OP - it's not your fault, you are right - however you are letting him think his behaviour is acceptable by not regularly confronting it. That is your fault. By letting him think this is ok, you are risking him doing the same with your DC.

As it's been said up thread, book him a solicitor's appointment. Point out even if he is certain his request for flexible working pattern is rejected, he needs to formally ask for it to prove to a court it's not an option.

But most of all look at him again, his behaviour suggests he doesn't actually love his DCs. Be very, very careful about letting yourself plan your future around a man who's so shallow he doesn't love his own children.

Line.

I've had one of those court hearings as well it was laughable, in the same hearing where ex wouldn't agree to any type of contact order as he couldn't possibly manage his work to make sure he could be available even once a month despite actually owning the company. The wanker then asked for full residency the exact words the judge said were

"Mr xreturningpixie you've just said in front of me that you cannot even arrange your work to accommodate contact for 24 hours once every month, do you really want to ask me for residency?"

Op all your excuses make him sound even worse,now he's such a great parent he has left his children with an abuser.

If your dh was a woman who was not prepared to at the very least make arrangements to see her children twice a month under the same circumstances I would think she had no right to refer to herself as a parent.

Contact works likes this,its regular to meet the children's needs and the parent who is due to have them accommodates there needs during the time they are due to have them inc making themselves available

Should you break up he's going to apply exactly the same reasoning to you and your children and be calling you the same names making the same excuses will they sound so reasonable to you then?

I expect his excuses and requirements will get even worse then, he will only want to have his child with you when he has the others as that's going to be easier for him.oh and he will have some other woman to pander to him and agree with his pathetic excuses and add weight to them. And he can get further sympathy points for being so distressed.

Also, I'm confused, does he not think you and he can not still book a babysitter and go out for dinner on the nights he has his DCs, or does that not currently happen? Is what currently happens is he has nights out leaving you with the DC you have together? Do people who have DCs who live together never manage a night out together in your world?

(Am I the only one who really, really wants to know what the OP's DP does for a living? I'm really struggling to think of something other than an oil rig worker where it would be impossible to get a shift pattern that gives you weekends off for a 6 week period, but she keeps saying it's a 'career not job' so am thinking something professional...)

Dontmind - I've been wondering that too. Could be an engineer on an oil rig perhaps?

She probably won't say because its utter bollocks and if she does say then we will know its utter bollocks

YASNBU. Of course it was. I only read through the first couple of pages, as the more I read about this man, the more upsetting I found it :(.

Pah, anything genuine like that would have been said up thread and banged on about and highlighted at every oppertunity because it would be the only legit reason for part of his conduct.

How did he manage this glittering career when he had 70% access???

Let's put it this way - if your DH wants any chance of a relationship with is children, then he has to prove that he did everything humanly possible to see them or contact them. Even if he loses the court case or if ExW puts up every barrier going, he has to be able to look them in eye and say with all honesty, he did everything he could. Including birthday/Christmas/well done on school cards, presents or if he thinks they won't get them, put the letters in a box and out the present money in a small bank account for each.

Even if ExW is as bad as you say, she is still with them, looking after them, despite the various affairs. In this scenario, there are no winners a d the children lose out when they are the innocents in this.

Hmm, he could work as a firefighter or in a medical setting and think he can't get a weekend off for 6 weeks, but in both cases, I know people of different levels who have had shift pattern changes to allow for DCs (although granted they've always asked). I also know policemen/women who've got set shifts even though they are supposed to be on a rotation after having DCs...

It can't be something military because they rarely have set 6 week patterns, unless it's something like rescue helicopter, but again, they'd be able to work round a flexible request.

Lighthouse keeper?

OP- if you won't say, will you give us a clue, does he go away for the 6 week period or just go to his place of work and come home every night/morning (if night shifts). Anything where he's not sent away will be able to accomodate a flexible request, assuming he's prepared to ask...

i think the story is he works every weekend for 6 weeks and then has every weekend off for a period of time.

Am I the only one who really, really wants to know what the OP's DP does for a living?

Probably works at McDonald's. The recruitment sign at our local one says "More than just a job, we offer you a real career".

his proposal for contact means he'd never have a night out or. Weekend to himself again as he'd be working or have the kids - that's hardly selfish.

You're as bad as he is. Of course that's selfish! Never getting time off is part and parcel of being a parent! Parents who are together never get weekends or nights off, because their children are with them 100% of the time. Single parents even more so.

Not having a night out or a weekend to myself is what I've had for 95% of the past decade, since ExH walked out.

I work, and I am a parent.

It's what you do when you give a shit.

He's selfish and you're making excuses for him. You are both BU.

Being a parent means you have to change your life, to accommodate your DC's, if you cant do that or moan about not having a social life, then you shouldnt have kids.

SwallowedFly - I know, but she doesn't seem to think that it's possible at all for that shift pattern to change. While that's a quite believable shift pattern, what I'm struggling with is working out what sort of job where you'd have that pattern and it's not possible at all for them to do alternative patterns if you go to the bother of putting in a flexible request due to childcare commitments. Every job I can think of that could have a pattern like this could be flexible to accomodate parents, with the exception of oil rig worker (once you're on it, your on for 6 weeks) or lighthouse keeper.

Oh wait, thought of another one! Does he work on Cruise ships? Once at sea, you're at sea until the ship docks! But otherwise, companies are able to make allowances for parents, even if everyone else are stuck on these shift patterns.

The OP mentioned the possibility of him having them over for tea on a week night so I assume that he's not on an oil rig or a cruise during the period he's working 6 weekends straight.

oh so he could ask for an alternative shift pattern then? But hasn't because...

I don't think its an alternative shift pattern but you would have to think that he wouldn't be working 7 days a week. If he's working at the weekends, he would at least get one or two nights off during the week.

OP, your DP is doing exactly what he wants to do. Parenting is too much trouble for him. He would rather hide from his children than have to seen his ex FIL, because he knows he's in the wrong. He can't even be bothered to ask his employer to alter his shifts, let alone look for another job where he could actually see his children!

And if the ex is such a bitch and an unfit mother, why has he not been fighting for custody since he left? Why has he not insisted on DNA testing if fatherhood is in doubt?

If the ex is such a drunken, cock-hungry slut, why would she not be happy with the previous arrangement? She can still go out and get drunk in that instance. Could it be that she was actually trying to set boundaries and give her children some level of consistancy, rather than be fucked around with the "oh, well, we might have the kids this week, but it might not be for 3 weeks" kind of bollocks.

I would LOVE to hear her side of this. I bet we'd hear a very different story. But even from your bias, he's clearly a total failure as a father and as a man.

Whatever his 'career' is, it involves working 4 days on/4 off and 3 on/5 off - so not an oil rig worker, or on cruise ships. And He works shifts and is often off on school days, so the only reason that he can't go and see his children midweek is because his wife moved 40 ish miles away so DP says that's too far for midweek contact.

Sigh. I searched OP's other threads, I was looking for the one I vaguely remembered and had posted on. I found it, and was reminded of all the rest of this man's unbe-fucking-lievable twattishness .

So - as at 31-Jan-13 -
"... At present we do not live together, though we have been together for 3 years. I love him and trust him and have around £10,000 in savings - he works away and lives in work accomodation (free) so that he can pay off his debts. If I paid the ones accruing interest [around £10,000, wiping out OP's savings] for him then we could move in together and would be very happy. ... He has never once suggested that I pay them for him. I just feel a bit of a meanie that I could pay them for him, but am not even though it is keeping us from living together which I very much want to do. AIBU?"
So, they're not 'living together' because 'he works away and lives in work accomodation (free)' - but he seems to be staying over at OP's whenever he's not away. I am really wondering if this translates into OP paying for everything while he cocklodges because he can always argue that they aren't living together. I really hope I have got that wrong, I really do. But since she has also said (11-Jan-13) "I'm not financially reliant on him", I'm not sure that I am.

And his ex is not his ex-wife, because they are still fucking married!

(11-Jan-13) "He has made a start to the divorce as it's his new years resolution to become divorced but doubt it'll be finalised this year as he doesn't know where his wife is etc and she's likely to make it difficult." Who, FFS, makes getting divorced a New Year's Resolution?!? And there's an excuse we haven't seen yet on this thread, he can't see his kids since he doesn't know where they are.

He does naff-all when he is at the OP's (02-Feb-13). OP is 'on' 24/7 with her youngest (HIS DD) who is a bit of a velcro baby. This DD will settle with him as long as OP is out of sight, so what does he do? Well, as an example - "I would like time to go to the gym while elder daughter is at school and DP said he'll have baby but he'd stay at gym and wait (I.e keep walking in to see me, then baby gets upset etc)."

It gets worse.

(11-Feb-13) - "We would both like one, perhaps two, more babies ... in an ideal world I would like to be home with baby until they are at least 2.5/3 years old. DP would not be willing to support me financially to do this ... I was considering that we could try for one now/soon and so be at home with them while I complete my degree, then do my PGCE when they are 2.5/3 years old. I have enough savings to be able to support myself to be able to do this. DP puts in little input about what he thinks we should do; he agrees that ideally I'd be home with baby til 2.5/3 years but isn't willing to support me in doing so."

"I think the problem is he pretty much sees the childcare as my problem/expense and whether I stay home for 2.5/3 years or pay full-time nursery fees then either way it's bloody expensive!" (so I'm presuming OP would be paying the nursery fees herself. And I imagine he sees the childcare for his other children as his wife's problem, hence his lack of effort to see them.).

" I would also be happy to work if he could be a sahd but his career is very important to him - and also makes it impossible to support me in mine."

I wouldn't normally gather quotes from several threads like this, but I really think that there's a need for 'the big picture' here. His awful behaviour to his children by his wife is only one aspect of this man, there is also his awful behaviour to his DD by the OP, and his awful behaviour to the OP herself. He's just all-round awful.

alisunshine29, you have got such a lot on your plate right now. You are studying for a degree, working part-time, have a 5 year old and a demanding 8 month old. You do all the domestic chores, are woken repeatedly in the night by your baby, and IIRC there are problems with the plumbing in your flat which causes you extra hours of cleaning up. There are not enough hours in the day right now and you must be exhausted. Is this why this man's awfulness has managed to sneak under your twat-radar?

Oh, and as a cynical thought - timewise, his stopping seeing his older children must pretty much coincide with you becoming pregnant by him. Cynical me wonders if, having you tied to him by pregnancy, he felt he no longer needed to keep up the pretense of being a good dad.