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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this waa an awful way to behave? re: estranged DSC

281 replies

alisunshine29 · 23/02/2013 12:35

DP has two children with ex wife. When we first met he had lots of contact, his ex moved 50 miles away and contact gradually reduced because of that and starting school etc. His shift meant he could only have them for weekends every six weeks or so but then it could be several in a row plus plenty of annual leave in school holidays to have them. His ex insisted he have them alternate weekends which he couldn't do so she said he'd have to take her to court to formally sort contact. This was 16 months ago and he's done nothing to resolve contact. I have encouraged and supported but he is burying his head in the sand big time and actually believes the kids will grow up and decide to live with us.
Anyway,yesterday we were at an ice skating/swimming pool venue with my elder DD and the DD we have together when DP saw his exes dad, making it very likely his children were there with him. DP wanted to leave, despite having travelled sixty miles to get there. I didn't know what to do for the best but in the end I took my children swimming while DP pretty much hid. It just left me thinking how awful it would've been if DSC had seen DP from a distance playing happy families with our children, or wondering what he'd do if he/we did bump into them and whether his children would even recognise him. I could see him physically relax as we drove away and it makes me so sad for his children :-( his parents live between us and where DSC live so bumping into them at local events is always going to have the potential to happen. AIBU to think it's an awful situation that needs resolving for all involved sake, obviously particularly the children.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 24/02/2013 21:40

Although it is possible that your radar is starting to twitch, alisunshine29.

LineRunner · 24/02/2013 21:42

Oh God, OP, you poor thing.

I don't normally like the 'previous thread' thing, but in laying it all out, WhereYouleftIt has done you a favour.

You need to draw breath and draw away from this.

cory · 24/02/2013 21:43

thank you Dontmind for drawing our attention to this post:

alisunshine29 Wed 16-Jan-13 13:50:14
"Ex wants DP to have normal contact (midweek and every other weekend) but he works shifts which will not change and has 3 weekends off in a row about every 6 weeks. She moved 40 ish miles away so DP says that's too far for midweek contact."

My 12yo ds who has a chronic joint condition and suffers pain from sitting still in a car will happily travel twice that distance and back in an afternoon to cheer up his grandma in her nursing home- and yet a grown man can't do half the distance in order to keep in contact with his own children!

OP, you are just being used by this man, like his children are being used. It is not your fault, but at the point where you excuse and enable his behaviour it does become your responsibility.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 24/02/2013 21:47

WOW, What a prize catch this guy is......he sounds like a complete arsehole, who jumps from woman to woman, taking what he can get.

Dozer · 24/02/2013 21:55

He sounded bad enough from the OP, but Shock at the info and analysis from whereyouleftit.

Wake up OP, and LTB!

swallowedAfly · 24/02/2013 22:03

oh god that is tragic to read!

he's just a total cocklodger - walked out on one lot of kids, got another woman pregnant and yet refuses to 'live' with her re: pay bills or share responsibilities yet cocklodges there whenever he is off work.

he is a vile, misogynistic, selfish toad of a man.

please god wake up and do not get pregnant again by this man and get him the hell away from your dd. where is father no.1 in all of this btw?

how old are you OP?

swallowedAfly · 24/02/2013 22:05

and please god tell me you haven't paid this man's debts off!

that'd be the last you'd see of him once you were totally wiped out.

Sunnywithshowers · 24/02/2013 22:05

Another one here saying LTB, sunshine.

He sounds like a real prize, as a partner and a dad.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 24/02/2013 22:09

He is the kind of person who flits around giving people the sob sorry, guilting people to help him, he makes children and then finds excuses not to see them.

He is a total waste of space!!!!

Spero · 24/02/2013 22:11

O god. This is just awful, awful. What a waste of the op's life. How do these men just get away with it over, and over again?

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 24/02/2013 22:16

Spero Because they are so damn charming and convincing, women think they couldnt possibly lie and its gotta be someone elses fault. Hes a sociopath, hes charming, convincing, now the OP is starting to wonder, but she kinda doesnt wanna believe it, because believing it, means shes been sucked in.

swallowedAfly · 24/02/2013 22:17

the op's and her first child's life sadly.

that little girl's home has turned into a cocklodgers stopover pad. not to mention her getting 'used' during the luring op in stage by getting all the kids to hang out together Sad

the 'never had an argument' thing is so deeply tragic - all of this shit behaviour and lack of contribution and all the rest of it and the OP has never once disagreed with him or voiced her concerns. probably instinctively she knows not to argue because he'd just fuck off.

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 24/02/2013 22:18

Hi,OP back for further slating...

He is a firefighter, to answer your question. He says he asked for flexible working but whether it's true or not I'm not sure after hearing you all insist he'd get it. My eldest has regular contact with her father for whoever asked that, though I'm not sure why that's relevant. No I haven't paid his debts off for him.
Have had to grit my teeth massively in front of the kids tonight - youngest DD was laughing at elder one being silly and he said 'please let Me always be their dad.' Just felt screaming that no one is stopping him being his first children's dad, he just needs to get off his arsed and do something!

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 24/02/2013 22:22

Ali Scream it, because the only one that stops him, is himself, men go through hell to see there kids, because they cant live without them, you DP just doesnt have that passion.

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 24/02/2013 22:22

Please don't paint me to be a tragic, needy walkover - I am far from it. I would, and indeed do, cope just fine without him. It's me who has said he isn't moving in til he's sorted his kids/divorce/debts.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 24/02/2013 22:24

Firefighter - he can ask for shifts that allow him to see his DCs on a regular timetable.

His mates at work would back him up.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/02/2013 22:24

alisunshine29, I am absolutely NOT going to slate you! Having read all your threads, my heart goes out to you. You are working so hard for your children and for their future, and it is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT that he is what he is. But you have been heartlessly conned by a despicable person. I am so sorry Sad.

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 24/02/2013 22:27

I can't talk about it in front of DD as if I mention them then she'll be upset and keep asking when we can see them. What he also doesn't seem to understand is that his not seeing his first children will also impact on his relationship with my/our children - they'll have little if any respect for him and resent not having sibling relationships because of him.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 24/02/2013 22:28

WhereYouLeftIt thanks for bringing the OP's other posts to our attention.

It's at this point where I feel I need to apologise to you OP, as I've been quite harsh. I still agree that your DP is a twat with regard to his behaviour towards his kids but after reading WYLI's copy and paste of your previous threads, I have to say that things are a lot more complex than you stated in your OP. Your DP seriously is a twat of the highest order - not only does he ignore his eldest two kids but he doesn't live with you, is still married, doesn't pull his weight when he stays with you, expects you to do all the child care, housework etc, is mean to your 5yo DD, refuses to support you while you train and won't contribute to child care costs so you can work.

I totally agree with the poster who called him a cocklodger - that's exactly what he is. However I think that you're so used to this situation and scared wary of bringing it up, that it just continues. Kind of like a version of Stockholm Syndrome. You don't want him to 'leave' (in inverted commas as you don't live together) and treat you the same way as he treats his ex and their kids, so you just put up and shut up. You vilify his ex in order to try and convince yourself that he left her because she's a slag/drunk/bitch and you're none of those things so he won't leave you.

The sad thing is, you'd actually be better off on your own. He'd pay maintenance and you wouldn't have to put up with his cocklodging or shockingly unsupportive attitude but you know full well he wouldn't make the effort to see your DC.

Personally I'd say you need to LTB, and I don't say that lightly. But whatever you do, don't have another baby with this 'man'. This will not end well, sorry.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/02/2013 22:32

And you are not a tragic needy walkover. The sort of person who does what he has done are devious and able to find the correct buttons to push on their target. In your case, he pushed the 'I am a good dad' button (among others no doubt). They are clever and plausible in their excuses, so that you are left feeling as if you are unreasonable to question what they say/do. But it's hard to keep up the pretense forever, and after 4 years his mask is starting to slip, possibly because he thinks it's not needed any more, he's hooked and landed you Sad. IT IS ALL HIS FAULT. But a part of you knew that already, it was just kept pushed under by his lies and reassurances.

marfisa · 24/02/2013 22:33

I have a lot of sympathy for you now too, OP. But I still think your love for him is blinding you, and making you minimise what a shit he is being to his first two DC, and what a shit he is being to you.

Please don't paint me to be a tragic, needy walkover - I am far from it. I would, and indeed do, cope just fine without him. It's me who has said he isn't moving in til he's sorted his kids/divorce/debts.

But what are you getting from him, OP? You're the mother of his child. He should be helping to support her and you financially, and doing a MUCH bigger share of the childcare than he is currently doing, especially since you are studying for a degree.

I can see what he's getting from you: free part-time room and board, and free childcare. What you're getting from him is much less clear.

marfisa · 24/02/2013 22:34

Maybe you should think about moving this thread to Relationships, where you'll get better support, and less harshness than on AIBU.

Spero · 24/02/2013 22:36

Please don't have any more children with him. For yours and their sake.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/02/2013 22:37

And I think part of his leaving everything for you to do is also deliberate, not just laziness. It keeps you on the point of exhaustion, where it is very difficult to summon the strength to question anything, or even see it at all.

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/02/2013 22:37

Great catch you've got there.

All he needs to do is have his kids every other weekend but I expect after 16 months of nothing the mother of these children won't be keen on that happening without some serious effort on his behalf

And it will be his own fault, but I expect he will find many excuses to not take responsibility for his own actions. With people like that its always everybody else's fault.

Next time he try's to use his own failings to guilt you try actually telling him that he's in the predicament he's in now because of his own piss poor behaviour. Parents who act like parents get treated like parents ones who can't do that don't and they are the only people who can change that not the parent who gets left to pick up the pieces they leave in there wake.

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